Handling ultimatums and threats

[NSomersetMum]

DH (13) last night told us she has developed a New Rules system for how she is going to live her life, and if we don't agree to them all she will leave. She has been writing this system for a few days, on topics such as screens, money, school etc.

For context she has some SEND characteristics which mean her verbal and non-verbal reasoning, and emotional intelligence, are very high for her age, however her working memory and processing speed are low, which together can show up as a high degree of self confidence and self reliance but a low degree of risk awareness and impulse control.

Back to her New Rules - She says everyone deserves to live with maximum happiness and she isn't going to put up with our bad parenting any more. She completely 100% believes that she knows what's best for herself and can make all her own decisions.

I don't doubt she is taking this extremely seriously- she tends to fixate on projects and they become very consuming for her, and become complete reality to her that what she is creating is going to become true.

And obviously she is feeling not in control enough or too controlled by us and I have discussed with OH about places where we can give her more independence and autonomy to try to top up those feelings more.

I haven't seen all the details because she says she hasnt finished writing all the topics yet. But what I have said so far is that it's clearly very important to her which means it's important to me, I want to talk about all the topics and hear her opinions, and that it sounds like her system is based on threats but I would rather we worked together to find new rules or boundaries where things are bugging her.

How do people handle serious threats from their kids, even young ones?

I want her to feel listened to, but I have to let her know she just can't make all the rules at her age, there will still be some she doesn't like.

OH has suggested a good cop bad cop approach of one parent doing the supportive listening but thr other telling it straight like wake up this is not how the world works. I don't want her to think only one parent cares about her.

I fully believe that to her her threats and ultimatums are real.

I think it is very possible to both (a) listen to your child with respect and compassion and (b) not implement any of their suggested changes.

Just a guess but I assume neither of your children is ND?

First of all, you say that she’s emotionally intelligent. I have to disagree - the very nature of her ‘rules’ and threats of leaving shows a complete lack of EI.
She’s a young teen navigating her way through adolescence, she’s probably being influenced by what she’s reading / seeing online. But at 13, she clearly has no idea about how to live as an independent adult. My response, having 2 now adult DDs who were very tricky as teens, would be to ask her for her list, then compile a list of responses to her new rules, with appropriate reasoning. She may have some good suggestions, but it sounds like her rules will contradict the rules you already parent her by. You need to be clear that where there’s a conflict, as the parent your decision trumps her wishes.

I also don't think this is a "serious threat".

I think it's very serious to her - sure!

But I don't think you should feel threatened by it and change what you think is best because you are frightened you might lose her somewhere.

She is looking for you to be able to contain her anxiety and frustration and anger - not topple over. You can do that kindly and respectfully- you don't have to be punitive.

If you feel frightened of her threat - you're more likely to end up somewhere you don't want to be - either compromising where you don't feel comfortable- or even acting out in retaliation to her as you feel attacked.

Before entering into any negotiation the first step is to understand what's at stake.

So I'd explain we can't begin with her rules or threats until we find out how she's actually going to leave.

What actual plans does she have if you say no.

I also agree with the PP - she is not particularly emotionally intelligent- her use of threats and ultimatums show this.

That's fine - she is only 13! And very young with much to learn yet and much opportunity to develop.

She's showing you she is really not ready to be setting the rules just yet.

This is a great idea,

I have a 12 year old. If he informed me that he had new rules that I now have to follow as a parent I would not be very impressed.

I would listen and perhaps compromise on a few areas if I felt that it was acceptable but I would be making it very clear that as the parent, I would be making the final decision regarding rules in my house.

She reminds me of my 8yo who regularly tells me she thinks I'm a terrible parent and wishes she had a different family. I am dreading her hitting puberty! So watching this thread with interest.

I think it's very possible to listen to her and make her feel heard, but at the same time, explain that her "new rules" won't necessarily work as she lives in a house with other people (people that are also responsible for her safety/food/clothes etc). As previous posters have said, appeal to her logical side. If she wants to go with the stance that everyone deserves maximum happiness, then she needs to realise that her rules and what brings her maximum happiness, won't necessarily contribute to your maximum happiness. That's why we compromise.
Perhaps take one or two of her rules, and see where you can find a happy medium.

I'd be interested to know what her threat and ultimatums are.

Even ND kids need to be parented!

I would tell her I am willing to discuss, as long as there are no threats and ultimatums. So if she drops that, I am willing to look at the list, listen , consider well rounded arguments for any changes and I am willing to compromise. In return , I would offer good arguments on my part too if I have to say no and that I'd be willing to revisit at a later date.

If she wants to be treated more grown up and have more autonomy/independence then she needs to act more grown up so no threats or ultimatums. That's not how grownups or the real world work.

thanks, I like this framework. Yes, we talk similarly in our family - that our first responsibility is her safety and health, and then after that it's our job to help her grow into an adult who can look after themselves and have a good life. We don't really talk about happiness explicitly, maybe this is an opportunity to do so.

This is my instinct too - that the threats and ultimatums have to go first, and then let's discuss.

Thanks, just been saying this to the OH - we have to not waver around just because she's having big feelings. we have to show her that her feelings don't scare us and we can cope with them (even though we might feel like we can't) Also as she is our eldest all of this is new territory.

I agree! love this idea. also because I think a lot of the stuff that she is probably forgetting all the ways she already has control or independence, and just focussing on the frustrations. this would help remind those things too.

Yes, and that is what the OP is asking for help with. The PP’s my way or the highway type approach is unlikely to be helpful in this situation.

@karmakameleon yes they are and so am I.

Thank you for the positivity, it really helps! I actually teared up a bit. I am also trying to feel positive that at least (in her own perhaps not yet so healthy way) she is trying to talk to us about this, rather than withdraw or find other outlets for her frustrations