Blaming myself for older teen DC detaching from me

[wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone]

But steadily getting close to their (mostly absent, totally irresponsible but very laid-back ) father, whom I'm divorced from as of 8 years ago.

When DC were young, they were very attached and because I was reliably and consistently there throughout their lives (19&17) they really loved me.

But I was a mess. Grew up with trauma and abuse in my own childhood, formed deep attachments to relationships, displayed anger thanks to erratic hormones and control due to extreme fear of losing anyone including DC.
The last couple of years were exceptionally difficult, I've had a chronic health condition, several deaths in my immediate family and huge financial loss. I've supported them both through A levels, GCSEs, problems, everything but they've generally only ever experienced a very anxious mother.

They've been with their father for the past fortnight and every summer they stay at his place for two weeks. The rest of the year, they barely see him. They are cool and detached. I can tell they don't wish to return or are wary.

I feel gutted but completely understand, how much fun can it be to return to a home in which you're nagged, reminded, watching an often tearful mum.
Is there any chance of regaining their love ? I have therapy and emotional support but it doesn't necessarily help the perpetual feeling of overwhelm, exhaustion at always doing all the parenting entirely alone whilst unwell.
I also hate sounding like a victim and am aware that's how I come across.
Thanks for listening

I should add that my greatest fear is some sort of estrangement in the long run. I think it'd destroy me and it seems to becoming more prevalent

I think you’re being quite hard on yourself. You’re asking if there’s “any chance of regaining their love” but I really don’t think you’ve lost it. It’s great that you have access to therapy and support because honestly, I think the most important thing you can do is look after yourself, model self-care to them and keep doing what you’re doing in terms of being a reliable, available and present parent.

They will be less reliable and consistent than you because they’re kids, but it’s your job to just be there for them anyway. If you can take care of yourself, invest in yourself and your own interests, and continue to be there for them, they will appreciate knowing that you are still there for them. Sending love to you.

It's not a zero sum game. They can get to know their father better but still be close to their mum.

As for being cool and detached, that's not that they don't love you any more, it's adolescence, isn't it?

Is the therapy you're getting making you overthink ordinary things and therefore counterproductive? I've seen this a lot in some of my friends who receive therapy

Thanks for the replies, interesting point - maybe therapy can be causing some over analysis.
I found your advice to be so helpful LBA40

Yes I agree with others, I’m sure they love you. Just because they want to stay longer at fathers house don’t mean they don’t love you.

Definely get counselling and maybe even family counselling with both your children.

Might help all with perspective

OP keep working on yourself, and your relationships with your children will inevitably strengthen. To the person who said that therapy increases "over thinking" - I disagree. I think the best thing we can do for our children is to understand our past and how it informs the present. You have good insight and awareness of yourself and accountability for your actions. Which puts you far and beyond most many sh*tty parents out there. Good luck.

To the person who said that therapy increases "over thinking" - I disagree

I didn't say in all cases, that's clearly nonsense. But in some cases, perhaps including op. In my opinion

Glad to be of help.

Having spent years in therapy I would agree that it can be counter productive at times, depending on what sort of therapist you’re seeing and what they are like. From a personal perspective, looking back I wish I had not spent the years and money on two different psychoanalytic therapists. After a break from therapy, I later had eight months with a wonderful, kind and empathic gestalt therapist, and felt with her “wow, this is what therapy can be like”! I don’t really have the spare money for therapy now, but if I did I would go back to her. I think it’s the relationship with the therapist that heals, so make sure you feel that your therapist empathises with you and is kind. I tend to see a five element acupuncturist these days on an ad hoc basis, and my anxiety is massively reduced thanks to that. I would definitely recommend acupuncture as another avenue of self care if you haven’t tried it before!

Thanks again everyone, I have found a good family integrated therapist and I do other things too. Never heard of five element accupuncture, will look it up!