Isolated and disengaged teen

[Motheringlikeapelican]

DS is 16, and we are struggling. He has become more and more passive, disconnected and self sabotaging in many areas of his life, hes lost confidence in himself, he is lonely and not happy with his daily life, has no real friends or contacts outside the family but will not do anything about it and (consciously or unconsciously, we aren't sure) sabotages any of our attempts to help by disengaging from any situation that he is not in control of or that might provoke any discomfort or stress. He wants to be good at things and have exactly the daily life he wants without putting in any effort at all and gets very angry/frustrated when he is not instantly capable at or best at anything.
He will not ask for help when he struggles or tell us anything unless it somehow reaches a crisis point where he will be tearful, angry/throw things and eventually tell us what has been going on. He will not ask teachers or others for help and isn't in contact with any sort of peer group. We have probably been a bit lenient and soft with him, in that hes been having a hard time and we thought a online contact/friendships and gaming would be useful/safe for him but he seems to have shut down most other interests and activities and would if given a choice spend all his time online. Hes not on social media and I cant see anything particulary dodgy in his online use but its all really passive predigested review videos commenting on games, films and programs. He keeps to a routine, goes to his classes but sits quietly and does the bare minimum work, isolates at breaktime, never joins groups for projects, eats, sleeps, good with extended family, goes to a single sport with DH, is mostly pleasant as long as you don't demand anything more from him but will not make any sustained effort with anything and has no plans or ambitions, and his response to pretty much any new suggestion is an automatic No.

I would really appreciate any advice from other parents of teens how to help him out of this self defeating isolating phase and help him build some confidence and resilience again

Do you eat as a family or watch any tv together? Would he like to maybe go out somewhere as a family? Out for a meal? Bowling, crazy golf, cinema? I realise you can't talk in the cinema, but it might create conversation after the film.

Having meal times together may help to have conversations, which in turn over time can help to build connections and give you both time and space to talk about things and he might open up about things on his mind or anything that has happened during the day.

Is he the only child? Has he always been quiet or has this changed over time?

No advice OP other than a hand hold. This is a tough age. Would moving schools be a possibility? Also I would count your blessings that he goes to a sport with DH, attends school, is 'generally pleasant' and engaged with family - things could always be worse. I hope you get good advice here.

Sounds v similar to my son. He cannot connect the dots between being good at something and putting in work to get there...other than on X box games 🙄. I concur with a pp that try to create as much social time as I can with him and for him with a few family friends. I sit through absolute shite I'm not interested in so that he's not just alone in his room and frequently bribe him with treats to watch a film with me to try and broaden his horizons. No real advice I'm afraid but you're not alone.

Sounds similar to my son (apart from the fact he just lies in bed for hours rather than gaming).

Family meals don’t help as he hates them and gives one word answers that then annoys DH. I’ve noticed he basically doesn’t quite be rude so you can pull him up on it but he just won’t engage.

He does have ADD (not suggesting your son does but I don’t think this helps things).

I personally think most of it comes from a big lack of confidence. He doesn’t try because he’s scared of failing. He didn’t want a tutor ‘because it won’t make a difference’. Then he does badly at school, this fuels the lack of confidence and can lead to frustration and anger.

He does do sport so that’s one thing.

He has a few friends at school but never arranges to see them in the school holidays. He does have a girlfriend who he insists is just a friend.

Sorry I don’t have much advice only sympathy. I focus on the positives - he’s not out drinking and doing drugs, he goes to school every day. He likes his sport. DH says I have very low standards but this helps me. And hoping once he gets a bit older and matured things will improve.

Thanks so much for the messages and sympathy - DS is my eldest (have a tween DD) so Im still fairly new to the teenage stuff. Hes always been on the quieter side, not a showman and a bit quirky, but when younger had no problem making friends/playing with other kids, but moving schools, countries, languages and of course the corona homeschooling/isolation has been challenging for him and certainly affected him, i think he feels a bit uncertain as to where he belongs.
We have always eaten a family meal together, whether its me or DH that is at home in the evening and it is screen free (for all of us ) so there is a semblance of conversation, mostly silly & lighthearted stuff, though he often wants to bolt his food and get back to gaming. We still try and do stuff like bowling, crazy golf, he goes to the gym with either of us when we have a chance, and we try and get him involved in watching films/series with us. He will help cook if pressed, and we try and keep him tied into everyday life as much as possible. He is also really good at family events, will slope off with his phone but always spends some time engaged with grandparents and so on, is polite and can converse. If anything its his own age group he struggles with more - I recognise him in your description Delatron - its a lack of confidence that he masks by pretending not to care/being defensively detatched. But you are right, there are great positives eg sport, hes mostly cooperative, not acting out or behaving badly, not interested in drink/drugs/the wrong crowd,

He has just changed schools, having aged out of our local one - which could be good for him if he would engage with it, but he seems too scared and blocked to try, which is why I am on here stressing....

So it continues - DS tried his new school (resident weeks, home for weekends, sport focus, visited and chosen by him) and struggled immensely, panic attack on the day of starting, tried for a day or 2 then declared it boring, rebuffed all social and friendly overtures, alienated all his housemates, wouldn't talk with teachers or support staff, disengaged from everything, refused to eat the food provided but despite many options made no effort to get food any other way (eg shops, order pizza etc).

The staff were gobsmacked when we came into the meeting before we took him home and he was acting normally, joking, pleasant, and understood why we didn't recognize the behavior they had seen. We brought him home and looked round alternatives with him. He decided he wanted to try another residential school, so with misgivings we set it all up, only for him to disengage and refuse on the day he was due to start, despite it being his choice. Watching him closely he seems to have a lot of behaviors that are typical of pathological demand avoidance (though I don't want to try and diagnose) such as the avoidance/distraction strategies when hes in a stressful situation and need for control, so have focused on communication and trying to get him seen by a professional.

So we arrange plan C - a small private school with a small class, academic focus but he will be living at home, with the provisos that he needs to be engaging at school and stop refusing any help, and that we will be helping him find a psychologist/mental health support, as even he is starting to see his behavior is extreme and limiting him. Took him to see our doctor who has been very good, helped him make a call to a local teen support service. With his agreement he has stopped screen time/gaming and has been much better with everyday home stuff, helping cook and clean, going outside more and reading. Am seeing a mentor myself for a bit of a fresh perspective, and communication, parenting advice.

First day of the new school today and hes come home already declaring its boring, he doesn't want to go on a trip next week and he cant see the point, already starting to mutter that he wont see the psychologist. I feel we are running out of options and its just so sad to see him like this - not happy, but actively sabotaging himself

Can you maybe go and see z psychologist on your own regarding your son's behaviour? Maybe there's some other approach you haven't tried yet?

I was just going to say it sounded like he could be autistic with a PDA profile, and trying his hardest to mask.

We are certainly open to the idea that he is ND, but didn't want to try and diagnose him/pathologise him, and these behaviours are pretty extreme and recent, and only really come up in the last 4-6 months at most. Hes also fairly like his father in temperament so its never been a day to day problem.
Ive noticed that he started labeling himself with various (really random) things when it helps him avoid dealing with stuff (eg 'well im an introvert so..., My learning style is X so I wont try Y.) so wanted any approach to be through a neutral psychological assessment rather than self diagnosis.
I will speak to the psychologist alone alongside their assessment of him and hes aware we are also seeking advice on parenting and communication (which also shows him that everyone needs help sometimes if things in life are not working)

My son was/ is similar but we’ve started leaning on getting him away from screens and with us more. Tbh it’s like having a toddler again really, bribes to get him out (generally food/ money!) playing board games/ poker/ chess, helping around the house, coming shopping etc. In laws have started asking for him to come over and help with the garden with small manageable jobs and cousins that are his age are going to be coming to visit soon too.

I read a lot/ listen a lot about teens because mine are HOOKED on screens and we battle on because it got to a stage where he had black circles, was blinking etc. They nearly all day letting your kids live in their rooms, their comfort zones, is taking away everything from them, their zest for life, their ability to interact, any chance of something different happening that day!

so have started being ridiculously strict, taking things away etc. and saying an hour or two is fine but then back to us and he’s starting to get back to Percy Jackson books and actually come down to chat to us or watch tv (at the mo slow horses or Kaos or Only Murders in the building) which is huge. Joining new things can be terrifying so I get that, we tried to get our sons to join clubs in school but it was a no go. It’s all step by step. Hugs op x

You seem to be pandering to his every whim. He was grumpy at the first school so instead of letting him settle down, you immediately whipped him out and put him somewhere else, did the same again and now he's in a third school.

All teenagers are difficult and would probably sit around being antisocial and gaming. Children will do whatever they can get away with.

His behaviour has improved because boundaries have been put in place.

I worry about pandering too poppybrite 4, but there have always been boundaries and rules around the home, school and so on, which he sticks to fairly well. Screen time/gaming had crept up and has very firmly been controlled again now. We are also tough enough to push him when he needs it eg study for exams, exercise, housework.

We didn't pander to the first school - we forced him to try it despite his panic attack and resistance to preparing for it, thinking he would get over himself if he gave it a chance, and only took him home after the two weeks because the school asked us to, as they felt he had bigger problems than they could deal with (and he was probably making it a bloody miserable experience for everyone else).
Second school was his idea, he really wanted to go/be in the sports coaching scenario, but it was like watching the first time repeat itself, its a bit more than just grumpy, and I know how to coach someone through a panic attack, but he was shut down in a way we hadn't seen before, and we ended up making the decision to delay the start until we could talk to the doctor. After discussing with them decided not to push the residential school again as its likely the input he needs is best managed when hes at home. The third one is really the only other option and he is going to continue there no matter what crap he comes out with but its difficult to see him repeating this self sabotage behaviour

Following. This has echoes of my 17 year old dd - the self-sabotaging and closing down. Hers stems from trauma, but she just shuts down any suggestion that she get some professional help.

It breaks my heart tbh.

After a week at the new private school he came to us with a proposal that he moves to another residential sports place. He had actually researched it and was a bit more open, discussed that actually, thinking back, there was a lot he had enjoyed at the first school and he wishes he had given it a better try. Hes finding it hard to make friends/contacts in the new place, and he feels hes missing out and screwed up a really good thing.

Slightly positive that hes thinking about things/getting perspective but very frustrating as its way too late. He was not thrilled when we said that we wouldn't be jumping to arrange to move him, as we already had tried to give him that opportunity 2 times and he had wasted a lot of peoples time and shown himself not currently capable of the behavior required. As it is there are no available places at the school he suggested, but hes on their waiting list and we haven't absolutely ruled it out.

In the mean time he has been told that whatever happens he needs to just get on with it at the local place, engage with people/teachers/classes, homework and the psych assessment as any possible move will be judged on how he is dealing with this, and he may end up being there all year anyway. He is more engaged at home, hes accepted the computer and gaming being stopped but I can see that his phone use is creeping up and hes probably substituting this. Hes at a sports competition this weekend so thats at least some exercise and contact with people.