Advice on parenting an 18 yo

[Restaurantcritic]

Help! Me and DD have had a difficult few years but she turned 18 this month and we seem to have come to a better place. A little anyway.

Shes not really a ‘wild child’ but I know she’s lied to me in past about going to all nighters and drinking, smoking etc. so I don’t trust her tbh. However she’s worked hard at sixth form and due to start a degree in uni in September.

Now she’s 18 I know she can pretty much do what she likes (within limits) and I have to accept that. My struggle is how do I manage this? I was a bit of a wild child myself, out at raves all night doing drugs etc. I survived unscathed and look back at the time as a bit of a right of passage. My parents had no idea where I was because I made up plausible lies.

I don’t expect DD to tell me everything going on in her life but other than tell her to stay safe etc and be ‘there’ if she needs me…. Not sure what else I can do? She’s going clubbing then to ‘stay with college mates’ at their house in the next town tonight, I don’t know the friends, don’t know where she’ll be staying etc.

What is reasonable for me to ask? Address for emergencies? Her to text me to let me know she’s ok? Nothing.,,let her live her life?

She may well be at a friends house tonight but then again she could be anywhere?!

what is reasonable? No idea on boundaries now she’s an adult.

help!!! this is all new territory for me.

My son is 20 so been through this.
If they’re staying the night away I tend to ask for some info, just incase.
we also both have life 360 (a tracking device on our phones which he’s happy with and was his suggestion) but I get not everyone would be happy with that.
I just let him know I’m there for him, won’t judge or tell him off and try to be a listening and guiding ear.

She won’t do the tracking thing.

I might ask for a text. Then hope for the best!

thanks for reply.

I would just ask for a text saying I'm here all okay. Saves you worrying too much x

At 18 they are an adult and responsible for themselves. My son was working at 18 whilst living at home. The only thing we asked from him was that he let us know if he was going to be home for tea. We just treated him the same as any other adult, were there if he asked us advice and he always knew that if he was out and about he could call us at any time to come and get him.

He moved into a flat with his friend at 19 and we have absolutely no idea where he is and what he's up to on a day to day basis.

Your daughter will be leaving home to go to uni shortly. You just have to trust that you have done a good enough job bringing them up, you absolutely have no control over there where abouts. Keep lines of communication open and support from a distance.

@Dreamlight you are right. It’s just hard to switch to suddenly seeing your child as an adult. I realise the teenage years are a long slow ‘letting go’ but it’s not easy. Seems like 5 minutes since I was driving her to play dates!

It isn't easy - they're becoming adults but it really isn't an instant thing - but from their point of view, they are an adult and want the independence and choices that it brings (not so keen on the responsibilities though).

It's a negotiated thing that is going to be different for everyone but we ask for the courtesies that we would expect from our partner - let them know when we will be home roughly, if we need food/don't need food etc. We don't ask where they are going though or who with.

We've explained it's about making sure the house is secure/locked up and that we're not waiting up for someone worrying - that's it's a matter of security and communication, not judgment on their activities.

If she is living at home then there are courtesies she needs to observe .... e.g. telling you if she is not going to be home for a meal, letting you know if she will be late back, coming in quietly, helping with chores etc. .... same as any other adult family member.
And tell her you love her ... and stand back and hope!!
I had 3 DDs, now adult, so have been there!

The vast, overwhelming majority of teens come through these years unscathed. You've just got to let her get it out of her system. She's 18 and allowed to behave like an adult.

What @Mischance says.
She's an adult, but she still needs to respect you, your home and your rules. As long as the rules relate to her as an adult. It's just courteous to let someone know your comings and goings when you are living under your roof.

We have a family WhatsApp group where we just text our location if somewhere unexpected or solo. No one uses it for chat and I always did it with my parents as I like outdoor activities and going off to the middle of nowhere and it's good practise so I modelled that with DD.
She's not 18 yet but she is used to just texting where she is if she changes location beach/park/X house so I'd just ask her to do that, there's no chat so it's not intrusive

I think you also need to discuss boundaries at home and expectations, when she's off at uni she'll be used to getting up when she likes, cooking as late as she likes,playing music when she likes, eating in her room etc so laying some adult ground rules and expectations for the things that are important to you like no cooking after 9pm, no food/crockery in rooms eating downstairs, no guests without notice etc

It's tricky but the fact is that at 18 they aren't fully adults and can make unwise choices.
Only recently DS now 28 admitted that he felt he was somewhat reckless up to around 24 and then something changed. It's said the brain isn't fully developed until 25 so maybe there's something in it.

At 18 you should already have made sure she understands about drugs, alcohol and consent. Not much more you can do apart from keep talking. Once at uni you have no clue what they are up to. That can be nerve wracking but actually not as bad as waking up at 4am and realising they aren't home yet.
One of mine was happy with tracking but not the other.

It's hard at first but I did eventually manage to stop waking up every hour or so to see if they were back. For eldest it wasn't an issue as they didn't go out clubbing and to all night parties etc but youngest did. I emphasised staying with friends and answering if I texted - but I avoided texting so as not to seem irritating. Youngest is good at texting generally - only once rang their friend as they weren't answering my messages or calls. In a relationship now and not interested in lots of late nights any more....