DS19 has a drink problem

[yesthisagain]

I don't really have the energy for details right now, but my son frequently drinks to excess and becomes someone I don't recognise.

He is risking every aspect of his life.

I know he won't yet accept that the problem lies with him. I don't know what the underlying issue is, but I have had concerns for his mental health in the past. We got him counselling a couple of years ago, but he seems to resent the fact we did that.

Where can I get advice on how to help him?

Anyone?

Hey, speak to your GP. My fiance is a binge alcoholic, doesn't drink every day but on a weekend starts and doesn't stop. He's on all sorts of heart medication cos he has an alcohol induced heart condition cos he's been doing it from being your sons age (according to his Dad, no early intervention from him unfortunately)
He sees a therapist every fortnight and they've put him on all sorts of medications to counter the effects of the drink and one to stop him wanting to drink.
It's a long, dark road for him ahead if he continues. Mental health is a huge factor in alcoholism so I very strongly suggest you start there x

He's 40 now by the way, and had a heart attack at 39. I can send you a list of everything he regrets in his life that's all down to drink if you'd like to read it to your son but it's very depressing, haha

@rosegarden13 not meaning to derail OP’s thread…. But why on earth are you planning on marrying such a car crash of a human?

Hahaha, I literally don't know 😂

No he's working on it and I'll be leaving if he drinks again, I use the term fiancé lightly. He was good for the first few years but circumstances made him drop off again and it's midway getting sorted but you're right yeah. There's no wedding plans I just wear the ring out of habit

Why is he your fiancé surely your not going to marry him?

Don't marry him @rosegarden13 your life will be a misery. At least unmarried you can walk away without fuss when you've finally had enough. Fingers crossed for him he can manage to quit.

OP you can't help your son, not really. You can tell his GP, but if he doesn't want help he won't receive it. Reporting him for drunk driving (if he is) may be the wake-up call he needs.

Mainly you need to save yourself. He can live elsewhere. You can join Al-Anon (it's for the families not the drinker). You can be there to listen and support if he ever tries to get his life back together and quit. Ultimately though, living with or regularly socialising with someone who has a drink problem is a one way ticket to misery. They're touchy about it and liable to kick off if you mention it or suggest they've had enough or try to stop them driving under the influence. Lots become more volatile and inclined to row with strangers over an negativity, whether real or perceived. When they're not pissed, they're either hung over moody fuckers who do nothing useful due to that. Or craving it and working out when they can next have some, even if they're holding off until the weekend/after work/after 8pm or whatever their own personal rules are, they're still thinking about it. It'll be the most important thing in their lives, coming higher in priority above their loved ones, housemates, sense of decency, responsibility towards others etc. Not all abusive people are alcoholics but IME all alcoholics are abusive, it goes with the addiction due to the effects it has on them/their lives even if their basic personality isn't abusive. Don't get caught up in it. If he's mentally ill there's nothing stopping him from going to the doctor about that. It's not an excuse for drinking.

Thanks for the replies.

@rosegarden13 I hope your partner manages to overcome his issues and that things work out as you hope.

@Snowflake2 he is abusive when drunk, absolutely. Abusive, aggressive, victim mentality. He doesn't drive yet, but is about to sit his test. I'm supposed to be paying £3k towards car costs and I am on the verge of telling him it's not happening, not because I think he'll drink drive (but who knows), more because I'm just sick of his shit and would rather spend the money on therapy or whatever.

I want to tell him he has one month to engage with some sort of help, or he has to move out, but I know if it came to it, i couldn't. I did already have him stay with his dad a while back for something he did when drunk, (that was more a boundary he crossed after a few drunken weekends and I just snapped) I don't think his dad would tolerate it again. Now he also thinks I should just tell him to find somewhere else to live. I'd be worried sick about what he was doing every day then because he'd see it as rejection.

The thing is, when sober, he is great. I've always considered myself so unbelievably lucky as he was growing up because he was such a lovely, well behaved kid. I never saw this coming.

Anyone else been through similar at this young age?

My son became addicted to alcohol at a young age and as a parent you desperately want to help them however he has to want to change himself no intervention or ultimatums you put in will work unless he accepts he has a problem and wants to stop drinking. I made all the mistakes going as I thought I could fix things.

There is a very good book “understanding and helping an addict” by Andrew Proulx he is a doctor with a previous alcohol and drug addiction himself.

The key things I know now are

you cannot fix this for him although you can obviously support him.

don’t issue ultimatums unless you are prepared to carry them through (I made that mistake too)

you need to be able to have constructive and calm discussions with him about his drinking and the book above gives some very good advice about this, and much harder to do when you are upset and frustrated.

finally you need to protect yourself and your own mental health , again something else I failed at spectacularly.

I really can empathise with what is happening and for my son drinking was a form of self medication for problems with mental health

There's nothing you can do except find support for yourself.

There's Al anon which is for the families of alcoholics.

You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation for advice regarding his abusive behaviour.

You could put the 3k down as a deposit and rent in advance for a house share and let him get on with it.

You can phone a helpline such as Drinkline or Drink Aware for advice.

You could also try and get him to go to the GP for a check up and advice. The GP would know about support groups in the area.

Thank you both for this advice.

I'll order that book and I've looked up my local Al Anon meetings and will consider that next week.

I'm going to speak to him today. I know I'll get wrong, whatever I say, but I can't let it go on like this.

@rosegarden13 i think you might benefit from starting your own thread

good luck op with your son

How often is he drinking a week? I've got a 19 year old and there's so much drinking and drugs with her age group. This week she drank Friday and Saturday, she doesn't take drugs anymore (did previously) as she is training to be a mental health nurse and realises the negative effects but basically all her friends, and there's alot of them, take cocaine, mdma, ket, is it possible he's taking something like this also? Cocaine can make you pretty aggressive.

Please take no offence OP but don't most 19 year olds have a drink problem? DS certainly did at that age if drinking till you are comatose or smashing up the garden or walking along railway lines are anything to go by. So did all his friends, the uni friends, the girl friends, the school friends... Because they have no responsibilities it's the perfect age for it.
Now of course ten years later, they all have jobs to get up for, all drive, have mortgages and a smattering of children. And none of them have a drink problem. They haven't the time or the money for it.
There was nothing I could do to have stopped him at the time, but thank god they all survived okay.

It's not the amount of times he drinks, but how much he consumes when he does. He actually goes out less midweek drinking than he used to as his job means he can't.

As for drugs, I don't know. He goes to raves quite often and when he comes home from those, he always seems fine. There's not many of them go, and often one will drive.

But when he is just out at pubs, local clubs, etc he can be drinking for anything between 5 and 13 hours and that's the nights I dread the most.

I'm a recovering alcoholic OP. I've been sober since 2010. I'm now 35, have a serious career and a child and am very happy. My drinking was also binge drinking, only weekends/ a few days a week etc sometimes less but once I started I couldn't stop. I had issues from childhood and have an addictive personality. I haven't had mental health problems during my 14 years of sobriety though. My family were supportive and helped me get to AA where I got sober. I suggest trialling that or taking him to the GP if he will Co operate. You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic, its an insidious disease. I'd like to point out I never stole nor was I ever abusive whilst drinking, MN have a hatred towards addicts and believe we're all evil people and can never change which isn't true at all. It's a disease not a choice.

Sorry forgot to say I was a similar age, started serious binges from the age of 17

Thank you @LemonPeonies I'm glad to read your are happy and managing a successful recovery.

He's never stolen from me. But he has been verbally abusive to me, many times, and I've seen him be the same way with others. He's squared up to me, been in fights, kicked out of the pub, urinated over my house, been brought home practically unconscious. Often with no recollection.

Other times, he comes home without much drama, as long as I tread on eggshells and watch what I say.

That behaviour is unacceptable, sorry you're dealing with that. I would give him some harsh consequences, he's an adult and needs to act like it or he finds somewhere else to live.

I agree with @LemonPeonies it is a disease, unfortunately my son was an abusive drunk and caused havoc at times. If you can try not to get into discussion or confrontation when he has been drinking and just remove yourself if possible. It is very difficult to step back when you are in the midst of this but you are more use to him if you protect yourself

I'm supposed to be paying £3k towards car costs

Please don't help him get on the road OP. The world doesn't need another drunk driver. Don't forget he'll still be over the limit the morning after the night before. You already know he's not a considerate person because of all the things he could have done about whatever is the reason he drinks, he chose drinking. Every day, he chooses not to get help for his out of control drinking despite the effects it has on himself and those around him. He prefers to remain a drunk rather than seek help to stop abusing his own mother. He is not going to choose to keep others safe by only driving sober.

want to tell him he has one month to engage with some sort of help, or he has to move out, but I know if it came to it, i couldn't. I did already have him stay with his dad a while back for something he did when drunk, (that was more a boundary he crossed after a few drunken weekends and I just snapped) I don't think his dad would tolerate it again. Now he also thinks I should just tell him to find somewhere else to live. I'd be worried sick about what he was doing every day then because he'd see it as rejection.

His dad can make his own decisions, you can't decide your son lives there.

Son needs to be rejected for this behaviour. Otherwise you're condoning it and giving him the message it's ok to do it. You'll just have to explain clearly it's the behaviour and not him that you're rejecting. He takes it however he takes it. You're not responsible for his emotions OP and you can't live your whole life pandering to them.

You can't manage your anxiety over his life choices by trying to manage (ie control) him, it won't work. Ultimatums to get help "or else" won't result in him engaging fully with help and getting sober. An addict can't change for someone else they have to want to do it for themselves.

Step off the path you're on and get your life back. Spend the car money on therapy for yourself, shore yourself up so you can support him if the time comes that he wants it.

The thing is, when sober, he is great.

The thing is, he isn't sober. That's not who he is now. However much you want him to be. You can't will it to happen. You can't love him into sobriety. Only he can get sober, by himself. Nobody can do it for him.

You need to face reality OP. Look up the Cycle Of Abuse, every time they get away with something it'll be something worse happen next time. Doesn't matter that it's due to alcohol, doesn't matter that he's not your partner. It's the same cycle. You'll walk on eggshells constantly, waiting for the next time he erupts, minimising yourself until you're no longer you just to try to prevent it happening. It won't even work. Every crumb of not-nastiness will start to take on a golden hue and you'll start to view ordinary behaviour as something exceptionally wonderful, such is the relief of a moment in which you're not being abused. By this point you can't even tell how bad it is any more, you're in so deep, because your mind has altered itself to enable you to survive your existence. There's only two ways out of an abusive relationship OP. Either in a coffin at some point (whether that's at their hands or not), after being utterly destroyed by them your entire life, or you walk away and live.

You can't save him. You can save yourself.

It's so hard if he doesn't recognise it as a problem. One thing I would add is to consider if there are any underlying factors? It is not unusual, for example, for people with undiagnosed ADHD to gravitate towards drink and drugs as an attempt to self medicate.

I might be way of beam, but if it's a possibility, that £3000 could pay for an assessment & treatment.

Tonight I'm apparently the only person who doesn't "give a fuck" about him. The only person doesn't give him a hug. The only person who doesn't care about his feelings. The only person who has told him to fuck off and go away. This did not happen.

All I've done these past few months is try and check in with him, talk to him, encourage him to speak to his friends, if not me, hug him when he cries.

I think he was on the verge of a panic attack at one one point tonight, telling me he couldn't breathe.

Still refuses to talk to anyone, and is furious that I "think he's mentally ill".

And likely won't remember this tomorrow.

It's all just the drink / addiction / his mental health talking. Nothing more. You need to get yourself some support to help you put boundaries in place to deal with his behaviour. Al anon are a great resource for the families of alcoholics.