parenting advice please

[Tibbytab]

I don’t know what to do anymore.

My 13 ds is autistic and has adhd. Apart from that, he does well in school in terms of work. He has a fairly busy life because he likes sports so that means it takes up his time. However, he struggles with friends - school are supporting him but it’s the way he treats others which is the issue. People like him at first and it always goes the same way regardless of how patient the other person might be because eventually everyone has enough. He isn’t kind to his friends and you could even say he is unkind. I know he struggles with his emotions and all these skills but he resists any support or advice offered.

I’m in tears atm in my room because he has pushed me to my limit and beyond today. From the second his eyes woke, answered back, rude and told me: I don’t want to see YOU. It’s been ongoing. He was sent to his room and told to tidy it - hours went by and I went up. He hasn’t done a thing.

Verbally, he’s getting more aggressive. He’s so rude and disrespectful. He’s just screamed the house down, god knows what anyone would think if they walked down and screamed:

YOU have ruined my life
I don’t want to see YOU
I don’t want to talk to YOU

He still hasn’t done his room. The reason he screamed just now is because I told him to come to the supermarket with me. I said he eats the food so he can come and help with the shopping. He was pretty difficult with me while we were there - giving me angry, unpleasant glares and when I put my hand in the trolley he moved it sharply so it dug in.

Recently, he has begun throwing things - he threw a pillow at me. I’m not a soft parent by any stretch and there are consequences for poor behaviour while taking into account he has SEN. I always try to find the balance between accounting for his SEN and giving him boundaries.

At home, the rest of us are happy - he has two brothers, both of which he’s left marks on recently. He has a loving dad and tbh has most things he wants in life. I don’t know which way to turn anymore - is he spoilt? Am I too harsh? Am I too soft? Our relationship is spoiling - in the time where I’m most upset I’ve told myself, “5 more years” aka when he’s old enough to move out. I don’t want that to be the case - I want him to stay for as long as he wants to save a deposit but I can’t keep up with this. Then I feel awful for thinking it. He has so many opportunities that other children would kill for. I’m so tired of the arguing and I always end up crying (which he has laughed about recently too).

Advice? What would you do? Clearly I’m not getting this right.

This is a difficult age without neurodivergence in the mix. My son is neurotypical and could be really horrible to me at a similar age, and I think it was just his way of separating from me, finding his independence and growing up. He is now lovely. I would call his behaviour out but I would also let some things slide to prevent living in constant conflict. Pick the battles.

If other things outside the home are going well then it could be a case of releasing the pent-up stresses of early teen life in a safe space. It shouldn't excuse the behaviour but it's about helping him to identify his emotions and supporting him to express them in a more appropriate way.

Have you read up on low demand parenting? It sounds like a model that could fit your circumstances.

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/low-demand-parenting

I'd also add that of course he needs boundaries but when you're getting constant pushback it could be a sign that some of those boundaries might need to be relaxed to respond to his evolving needs and growing independence as a teenager.

Much of this sounds typical teen behaviour.

How does he behave with his Dad - is he rude or physical with him?

Why did he have to come shopping with you? Sounds it would have been good to have a break from each other.

As others have said, pick your battles. But be firm and consistent with boundaries that really matters.

I often think like young teens need to be treated much the same way as toddlers. It is harder though as you can't physically pick them up when they have a tantrum!

Children with sn can often struggle through the teen years as it often becomes much more obvious to both others and them how different they are.

That having been said a lot of what you describe is within normal limits for teen behaviour.

Some teens don't have any issues (in the same way that some toddlers don't have any tantrums) but a teen saying "I hate you" really
Is a very standard part of parenting.

Ignore ignore ignore.

I work with autistic people and Aspergers, and I'd add to the already excellent advice that many autistic people simply don't feel the need for social interaction and relationships like ND people do. They do their intense interest things and don't need us much. In your case, I would not worry that he has no friends as other things might interest him more, so encourage those and OK the aloneness, and if he expresses upset at what he creates with other people, talk about what he does and whether it works or not, make it logical. 'Try this, don't do so much of that.'

As for behaviour, we say to our guys that yes the police can be called if this carries on, and it's just the natural consequences. The issue of 'can he help it or not, does he know what he is doing, and if so can he change?' always comes up and when you know the person, you can see the areas where they could help it and do know, but there also does have to be an appreciation of what they can't help, which you are aware of from your OP. Good luck tho, and I hope he learns a few things that will help him and that things calm down for you.

Teens with ADHD find it difficult to tidy their room as they don't know where to start. So break it down. Could you bring down any cups/ plates? Can you make your bed?Or make a list he can tick off. Also give him prior warning. So maybe say..on Monday afternoon we will do a job on your room together and write it up someplace.
Also if he has moved to Secondary the stress of all that could be pushing him over the edge so he is taking it out on you. And forget the supermarket.

Good places for teens with autism can be youth clubs who run special interest clubs so he may meet a like minded person or two. I am involved as a volunteer in youth clubs and we do get a lot of k8ds on the edge of friendship groups and it's so lovely to see them connect with others who are experiencing the same. Some churches run good ones.