Activities to entice hostile distant 16yo DD

[BumBumCream]

its a long story but things not great with DD & I am seeking connection. It’s hard to get her to do anything with me - can get her to go to the gym, sometimes she will come out of her room to watch a film/Olympics but she’ll sit on her phone scrolling really…

what does your 16yo like to do with you?

Bake?

Time is the best healer. She will come round eventually. Don’t push her too much to be with you as it could end up having the opposite effect, allow things to happen organically. DD and I had a very hostile relationship when she was that age for lots of reasons - now aged 20 and she’s honestly like one of my best friends, she’s very open with me and we genuinely enjoy each others company. We happily go out for lunch, trips to the theatre, walks, girly weekend breaks etc together.

Enlist her to help prepare dinners

Stop forcing things, it's perfectly natural and normal for a 16 year old not to want to spend loads of time with you. DS was like this at 16 but much more willing to chat age 18 and actually asked to come on holiday wiyh us this summer - although seemed to get bored of our company pretty fast .

Therapy, either for her or you or both?

My DM hated me when I was that age.

It’s normal at this age for a 16yo to not want to do much or go out with parents. It’s emotional distancing to prepare them for next step of going off to live as an adult outside the home.

Mine was up for dinner together the evenings they are not out and once a week play a video game or board game after dinner.

Rest of the time, they preferred the company of their friends

Hang on I don’t hate her (although she is in therapy!) and I’m not forcing her! But ‘come for a dog walk’ doesn’t always cut it…

she doesn’t have friends to do things with so it’s also nice to give her experiences outside of the house/her phone.

What are her interests?
DD will happily come with me to the theatre, her favourite food place, ,, local walks but tends now to go with friends to cinema and general shopping (which she doesn't like with them either!)

I had a strained relationship with my DPs as a teen though I'd say 16-18 it was a lot better than at 13-15 in fairness.

Things I can remember enjoying sometimes with my own DM at around that age were:

• Lunches out - I loved Pizza Hut at the time and some local independent cafes so enjoyed that.
• Watching certain TV shows together (I don't really remember what tbh).
• Theatre
• Exhibitions at the local art gallery, she had a membership at the time

I have a tricky 16 year old DD too. She also has ASD which brings other challenges.

What do you think about writing a list of possible things to do and asking her to see if she'd like to choose a couple of things to do? My DD joins in much better if she has had some control in choosing what to do but that's probably more an ASD thing.

An activity is also generally better than doing something like lunch that involves lots of talking which may be strained.

Obviously it depends on your budget and what you like to do but here's some things we've done over the years - cinema, theatre, stand up paddle boarding, donutting on a ski slope, laser quest, swimming, cycling, bowling, go ape. I also want to try a climbing wall but haven't done so yet.

I hope you find something that allows you to have fun together. It's natural at this age to not want to spend time with parents but I do think having some fun together helps keep the connection there.

Sounds similar to us..

Nipping out to superdrug to.top.up eyeliner / mascara / nail varnish

And / or g get a drive thru starbucks etc but take a long drive out... 80% time dc sits there with earphones in but sometimes they do start to chat.

Good luck op

'Come for a dog walk' and then 'we will go for coffee and cake'??

Or whatever she likes such as mcDs or costa etc.

Great way to talk is side by side when walking or in the car then they are not making direct eye contact.

Low key suggestions work here…
ideas include Starbucks drink, hobby craft to buy supplies, offer lifts to dd and friends

hosting ‘gatherings’ - rarely say no to reasonable requests it is her home too.

payday lunch - offer to take her somewhere within budget. Cosy club was popular

Starbucks/Costa/Wagamama's would definitely get my teen out!

Does she sit in the lounge to watch TV at all? Mine does, then I sit and mindlessly scroll my phone next to her.

Sending reels from Instagram seems to be my teen's new hobby so I send some back.

We have also got some of the packs from Game City. We chat whilst playing.

My 18 year old DS never turns down going out for dinner

Went through similar when my DD was 14/15 and nothing we tried worked and I'd end up spending money on stuff to entertain her and feel like I'd wasted my time and money. Gradually she came back to me and now responds better.

She's now 16 and loves to shop - she likes a trip to London to look around shops like Brandy Melville or Subdued and a cosmetics shop in Covent Garden that she loves but I can't remember the name of it.

Anywhere with a craft style market that sells inexpensive jewellery is good too. We have lunch together or just go for a coffee ( or an iced frappe for her) Last week I booked to get our nails done together and she loved that.

I also suggest baking and occasionally she will either just do it on her own without my involvement or we will do something more complicated together.

One thing we did when she was really struggling with her mental health was book a holiday cottage in the middle of nowhere that had a hot tub. She suffers from anxiety and she says that she felt so totally relaxed that week and we sat and chatted in the hot tub every evening. During that week we went for a walk in a pine forest next to a lovely beach and she still talks about how lovely and relaxed she felt walking through the trees.

We've come through the other side with DD now but ages 13/14/15 were incredibly challenging. She's now finished her GCSEs ( which we were not sure she would manage ) and she has just secured a weekend job in a large and busy cafe ( something I'd not have believed possible a year ago)

Despite all the FB and insta posts telling you otherwise, this is actually very very common OP. 15-17 was the trickiest age with my DDs, they're lovely now. Hang in there. Suggest things but don't try and force it. Keep talking even if you only get a grunt and an eye roll back.

So hard, I remember thinking if I had a partner behaving like that I'd bloody leave, but we obv have to hang in there with our DCs.

Dogs. Walk dogs together.