Dd 18 a bit lost...

[piscofrisco]

Dd has had a bit of an odd year. She caught glandular fever in March and it really knocked her school attendance off. She did her a levels but after having been a high flyer academically her whole life, feels she did badly. We find out next Thursday but she is already stropping at any conversation about it so I'm dreading it tbh.
She did have plans to go travelling for the year before applying for degree apprenticeships. The friend she was going with has let her down and now can't go and dd won't go alone. She therefore has no plan for the upcoming year. She says she doesn't want to go to uni, (though she did get accepted and deferred for next year as a back up-but I don't think she will get the grades). She doesn't want to go through clearing.

She has no clear plan.

She is spending her time working shifts (3 a week at a hotel), seeing her boyfriend, and other than that Loafing around the house (and tbh getting on my nerves. She doesn't help and doesn't clear up her own mess and comes in at all hours etc).

I actually think she may be a bit depressed-but she won't hear of going to the dr (she 'doesn't believe') in mental health issues.

Everything I suggest is rejected out of hand. Dh offered to get her some really great work experience. She couldn't be arsed. She was meant to be updating her cv to apply for full time entry level work. So far nothing has been done on this.

I really don't know what to do with her at all. Any suggestions gratefully received!

If she doesn’t do as well as she could have done, the best thing to do would to resit and she can get the grades she would have done if she hadn’t been ill.

Could she start applying for degree apprenticeships now? Why wait a year if she's not going travelling?

Glandular fever can knock you for six and can leave you feeling lethargic for a lot longer than you expect. Is it worth getting get bloods done to check they’re back to normal?

Theres nothing stopping her applying for degree apprenticeships starting next years.

Can you make a plan such as working for six months then going on a working holiday, either uk abroad, so she still gets her travel in. There’s lots of organisations that arrange holidays for teens etc. - conservation, tall ships, working with animals etc

It’s still the summer holidays. Let her rest then start again in September to make plans.

I would leave her alone until she gets her results as they will make a difference to her plans.

The choices I would have then been given at that age would have been:

part time work continues alongside revision then resits- further plans made once these results are in
organise a year of travelling/ volunteering and a deadline given for this
full time work applied for and clear deadlines given
start uni asap even if it is not exactly the course she wanted to do

I would also have a chat about her boyfriend and babies because my friend, at that age, became a bit lost and decided a baby would be an option. I would make it clear what support you would be prepared to offer, if that situation occurred.

I would try to stay sympathetic about the possibility of depression, but still be businesslike about options whilst giving her some space to make her own choices out of those listed.

Oh I sympathise massively, this just happen a bit sooner. DD17 was at college, a very serious event and she absolutely needed to leave. It shook her trust in people and also led to her not wanting to go back to college, give up her interests etc. Same here, she says she is not depressed and doesn't want to talk to the Dr. Has a boyfriend she sees and they seem to have a nice time and she's meeting some new people through that. But I am so worried about what's next. My DH keeps trying to remind her we have to let her find her way, because she wants to make decisions for herself but its so hard when things didn't pan out as you were hoping for them.

I am just trying to stay optimistic that everyone's journey is different and it will work out, but its easier said than done when it feels like everyone having fun at college, planning for Uni, got their apprenticeships etc. Of course you know the reality is everyone has their ups and downs, hidden challenges etc but just wanted to post so you know you are really not alone and its such a tough time as a parent. The stakes feel much higher at this age and I know personally this stage is a real struggle on my emotions

I would leave her until at least her results.
My own DD is the same age and is also refusing to engage with anything future related. Even though in her case she should at least get her insurance university offer, so she is pretty definitely going to university.

If she still is unsure about her future (and the results may shape this) I would then gently say that she can have the rest of August as a summer break, but then you expect her to either work (voluntary also counts), undertake further study, or make some other concrete plan (e.g. travelling).

My DS was similarly uncertain at this stage, we found that by mid September when a lot of his peers were starting jobs or going off to uni, that he started thinking a bit more concretely.

I agree with letting her just get on with it until she gets her results, then it will be easier to make some definite decisions. DS is starting a degree apprenticeship in September, he started applying last October and was applying continuously up until March this year when he got an offer. So depending on what she is looking at she might want to start looking early so it may work out better if she can no longer go travelling with her friend.

Make sure the CV is filled out with lots of extra curricular things, examples of team work or any leadership roles are always really great. I'm not sure what she wants to do but relevant short courses, volunteering, work experience, her own project work etc are all really important to impress on a cv and then talk about at interview.

If she can still get the work experience you mentioned though then I would try and get her to motivate herself to do it as that is exactly the sort of thing they will be looking for - DS found the stuff he did outside his A-levels was more important than his A-levels.

My thoughts were to await the results and then give her to til end of August to mooch about, and come September she must be prepared to start applying for work/apprenticeships/doing the work experience etc.
Even that as a conversation will get my head bitten off however so I need to choose my moment. It's like living with a time bomb at the moment. Annoying when she was 14, but at 18 I'm finding it harder to bite my tongue.

Good luck, OP! Please come back and let us know how she gets on. Fingers crossed for her (and you)!

I guess they’re all a bit tetchy leafing up to exam results.

For what its worth if she does decide to go to uni - a lot of admissions tutors are actually quite understanding that not every 6th former's life goes to plan and glandular fever is not that unusual so they will have come across cases before and know how it can mess A levels up. My DD dropped 2 grades in an A level as she missed quite a bit due to a spinal fracture and spent quite a lot of one paper lying on the floor in pain. So she missed her deferred place offer and that uni was unaccommodating. However she looked at other unis of a similar ranking and emailed the admissions tutors and explained and 3 made her unconditional offers in the next UCAS round- these are all good RG unis. In her case needing major surgery meant that she couldn't resit but no one seemed bothered by that.

I agree with cutting her some slack until end of August. Results day might just be pleasantly surprising!

And I’d approach the ‘seeing the doctor’ thing along the lines of a follow up after having glandular fever, see the GP for a
chat, maybe asking for a blood test.

After that, come September, personally I’d be making it clear that if there are no plans for further education or travel then a job earning enough for a financial contribution towards the household is required. As well as that here are some house rules including cleaning, tidying, general respect for the shared areas, and overall contributing to the smooth running of the household. Welcome to adulthood.

Agree, no conversations needed until after results

Dd was off a lot through 6th form - 7 lots of tonsillitis, one with glandular fever at the same time (hospitalised)

Not sure how she's done

She's got some uni offers, but has decided categorically she doesn't want to go so has been applying for apprenticeships (degree and lower ones)

She now has 3 job options, but waiting to see results to see if she can take up the preferred degree one

I would give her a clear 'let's not even think about it until after results' then see what she comes to you with in the following couple of weeks

If nothing, say you need to sit down and look at options together

Meanwhile, check out apprenticeship vacancies on the govt website to see if there is anything you think she would consider

I knooow, Mum! 😉Her behaviour is not about you, mums are soft targets. She is probably quite frustrated and worried. If she is stinky, be extra kind; the penny will drop, eventually.
Don't be too hard on her, she's doing well. Glandular fever is atrocious, as someone said upthread, it takes a while to fully recover. She had a plan and has been knocked sideways, let her regroup, without pressuring her.

@piscofrisco Degree apprenticeships are very competitive. Start looking at the next level down. Is she up for multiple applications? How do dc get to be 18 and be so rude? Tough love in Sept I think.