15 yo daughter lying? Sex and friendship issues

[LimeTiger]

There are two stories / issues here but they may be connected. We have recently moved DD 15 (just!) to a friendly, small private school due to her anxiety and reluctance to attend last school. There was also a newish female friend at that school who we weren’t comfortable with eg DD’s mood was lower, she was more withdrawn and isolated herself from us when she had spent time with this friend. (We are a very close, tight unit usually). This friend has a troubled family dynamic with SA accusations flying around and a hostile attitude to men eg told my daughter it makes her uncomfortable and feel sick when she sees my husband hug my daughter. (WTAF! We have calmly discussed all this as a family but it is upsetting to DH and self).

The new school has really helped and things much better with her mental health. We hoped the friendship would die away and it was doing so, with new friendships being made. But the summer hols have seen it ramp up again. She almost grooms DD eg sends long messages about how much she cares for her and needs her etc.

Daughter has a boyfriend, 16 at the new school. He’s lovely. First relationship for both of them and clearly quite intense and I’m worried about things moving quickly!! She says they have agreed not to have sex and we discuss openly and regularly
BUT
i have always insisted on access to my kids phones. She’s changed password and isn’t aware I can still access it, though did last night. There is a lot of messaging with troublesome friend. In it she says they nearly had sex but didn’t have a condom and the friend says she will giver her some.
She’s told me that this friend has caused drama with other friends 3 or 4 times in recent weeks, sharing her private info on WhatsApp groups and stirring up against the new boyfriend etc. She gets upset with her but can’t seem to pull away.

While I’d love to bar her from seeing her I worry this may be counterproductive

• is it reasonable to tell DD I’ve read these messages and discuss the sex with boyfriend issue, hoping for honesty? Not sure where the truth lies at the moment!
• is it fair to restrict her phone use as a way of reducing contact with this girl?
• how do I address the lying aspect? Ignore it and tackle the reasons?

I don’t think you should do any of those things. It sounds like you have an open line of communication with your DD at the moment (she is telling you about the friend causing drama etc). If you admit to snooping through her phone, because let’s be clear here, that is what you have done, you will most likely damage the trust and communication your DD has in and with you.

Why would you restrict her phone? That seems like you are punishing her but for what? What has she actually done wrong? You say she is lying about having sex but they didn’t have sex did they? Do you expect her to tell you every little thing the moment she’s done it as that is completely unrealistic. And making the decision not to have unprotected sex is actually a very mature and responsible decision your DD made in the heat of the moment. Isn’t this a good thing?

I think a more sensible approach would be to have a frank and open discussion with DD about contraception and practising safe sex and ask her if you should make an appointment with your GP? Hopefully then she will feel comfortable being honest with you about where things with her boyfriend are heading.

I also don’t think you can prevent her from seeing the friend. If you do then you run the risk of making the friend seem more tempting and it having the opposite affect to that that you intend. Your DD is already confiding in you that the friend has caused drama so hopefully she will realise herself and take her own steps to reduce contact with her.

I know it comes from a good place but I think you seem a little over involved. DD is at an age now where you would hope she could start to manage her own relationships, with guidance and support from you of course. Is it worth stepping back a little and giving your DD the space to deal with these issues herself? It sounds to me like she might surprise you and be capable of coming to the right decisions without you?

I would initiate a conversation with your DD about consent and contraception - the TVP video is very good as a topic ice breaker

I would also tell your daughter that whatever happens between her and her BF it is private, she shouldn't be sharing the information (let alone videos), and to be very careful of sharing where the toxic friend can stir up things and spoil what appears to be a lovely relationship (I'm assuming the boy is a nice lad). It's all to easy for social media to ruin a reputation.

I would also buy some condoms, and tell your daughter where they are kept, and explain it's not because you want to encourage her but you want her to be safe.
Better she does it safely in your home then not so safely elsewhere.

I know it’s tempting but I don’t think you should be reading her phone. Would you read her diary or pick up the landline extension to eavesdrop?

I think you should talk about contraception & consent with DD, and leave the friend out of it.

First stop- contraception. Buy condoms so she has access to them ASAP. Discuss other forms of contraception and support her to access them also. I imagine your local authority provides free condoms to young people somewhere, but this might take a while to organise.
It's going to happen, so best she does it safely.
I wouldn't tell her you have access to her messages. However I would drive home the point that this stuff is private and mention this "friend" in particular.
Then find some good online resources about nude pictures being shared online and consequences And link it to other personal info being shared.
Ultimately you can't choose her friends, but you can talk to her about what positive friendships are like. Not long until schools go back, and then the influence of this less desirable friend will be diluted.