Lazy teens - I've become a real nag of a mum!

[Remmy123]

I have a 15 and 13 year old

15 year old just started puberty and is growing rapidly which is great but that comes with the moods!

they are both lazy, if I ask them to empty dishwasher this is met with resistance

around the dinner table they start messing around and once last bite is taken they run off leaving plates on the side (until I shout for them to come back)

walking around phone scrolling etc making toast with one hand - drives me crazy

my son has said I've turned into an angry nag which I have - we used to have a laugh but I can't take this level of laziness I've explained this to him but no changes

my husband said it's my own fault and I've let them get away with the bear minimum for years - maybe true but I work full time so make sure everything is organised before I head off

I have turned into a nagging frustrated angry women and I hate it

I used to consider myself a great mum but feel like I'm no good at teen stuff

any tips how to deal with lazy teens?

I even have to nag them to brush thier teeth All morning it's v draining

any tips welcome! Thanks

Work out what is important to you. Don't sweat the small stuff and have proper routines in place.

They don't get to run off from the dinner table, either they sit and wait for everyone to finish, or they take their crockery and cutlery out and wash up / load the dishwasher.

You need to communicate with them before though so they know what to expect instead of springing it on them.

Agreed chores list. If its not done, the wifi goes off until it is.

I think some things are OK some things aren't. So separate the two and clarify your expectations. Wandering around with their phone making toast - annoying but pretty typical teen behaviour. Running off from table without helping or moaning about loading dishwasher - completely unacceptable at their age. They are part of the household and have responsibilities. You need to make it clear helping out and being an active family member is a non-negotiable. If they don't load dishwasher and wander off after dinner without helping, they get one warning and then it's losing their allowance for that week -- or whatever privileges you have. Also a massive lecture about shared responsibility in a home. They will soon get bored and realise it's easier to just load the dishwasher. I would also make sure they are clear on their responsibilities so you don't have to nag. So maybe their job is to clean kitchen (and whoever doesn't cook out of you and DH can help maybe) and load dishwasher each night. It's also their responsibility to keep their room tidy and put their washing away etc.

And if my son called me a nag he'd be getting a very forceful telling off about the misogyny of the word nag and the way it's rarely used for men. And he'd be getting additional responsibilities at home.

Why is it just you doing the nagging....why is your husband commenting that you have let them get away with this for too long? Where was he while this has happened? Have you fallen into the pattern of being the bad cop while he gets to play good cop and judge you for it? Maybe he needs to do some of the reminding and parenting.

Why hasn't your husband contributed to their upbringing?

There's no discipline and no consequences. Everyone chps in as you all live together, your husband needs to get onboard.

Organise a chore list and start instilling routines. Your children don't respect you.

What's your husband doing about disciplining them? Or does one of you discipline them and the other undermines the discipline by being soft? Without giving them solid parenting where they've been learning to grow up and be self sufficient - you've both now set them up to behave like overgrown babies that you have to chase around after.

You'll have to grow a spine and start enforcing consequences for not helping around the house. Consistency in tasks - start with getting them to clean up their plates straight after meals - get them to hang their own laundry, no going out unless they've tidied their room once a week.

What chores are you doing for them now? I've got kids this age and they are fully sufficient just because for years I've given them little tasks to do to build their domestic skills - socks to hang on the dryer at first when they were following me around as five year olds, putting cutlery away, putting a pillowcase on.
Now at the same age as yours they change their own duvets, hoover, cook and clean up after etc without being asked.
You have to build the skills over time but it sounds like you are starting from scratch. Start with three easy and manageable tasks a week that they have to do and consistently build on these. You are raising them to be adults, who can take care of themselves and also live with others - it's actually kind to give them the respect of being able to be self sufficient by being firm with them.

If your son is calling you a nag that is hugely disrespectful and shows he's got a massive dose of male privilege right there to say this about his own mother when he's asked to contribute. What a great husband he's going to be one day 🙄
Has he learned that from your husband?

Also don't bribe them to do chores with pocket money etc - they do chores because all family members are meant to contribute to the family. End of.

Regular chores list so they know what they are doing and when.

If you are just deciding to ask them to clear the dishwasher as and when it will be met with resistance.

At one point we had a tick sheet for the dishwasher and the person who emptied it lost got a wispa. (This was after my ExH said the kids were lay so we recorded who emptied the dishwasher and it turned out he never did it..,.)

Thanks this is so helpful

I think I have brought this on myself I am highly organised impatient person I end up doing it all as I can't leave it. (My mother was the same)

correction he didn't call me a nag think he said nagging but same thing I guess...

my husband asks them to lay the table - think he wants a gold medal for this minor input as he says 'well I'm the only one that asks them to lay the table' but I'm the one that does the cooking food shop etc - we live in a blame culture, he blames me for most things (son did terrible in year 10 exams but it's my fault)

i gave my eldest a bit of a pass as he got diognosed with a condition which causes fatigue but think I ended up babying him too much

they don't have chores : I ask them to make thier beds (rarely done), hang uniform (mostly done), wash plates and put in dishwasher (never done or done whilst huffing)

none of this is sounding good so yes I think I'm staring from scratch here..,

Ok, starting from scratch - what are some task you absolutely need them to do every week?

Make a list now whilst you have it in your mind.

You need to sit with some pain, and by that I mean when they don’t clear the table, don’t clear it for them. Then calmly walk to the Wi-Fi modem and turn it off have a book or something that you can read or do something you want to do, but this is Grade A psychological warfare and you need to up your game.

You might also try: not making them supper, or just giving them a pile of chopped carrots and celery as that minimises washing up? I hope you’re not doing their laundry either?!

They will soon reappear when they find they can’t Snapchat their mates. But you need to hold really firm boundaries.

Just remember though, nagging doesn’t work so why continue doing that?!

And as long as you do things for them when you’ve asked them to do them, they will know you have no resolve

Teenagers don't do chores. Once you accept this you will all be happier.

Family meeting - point out things that you do for them and ask them what they think are reasonable expectations for what they should do.

Based on your posts this sounds like it might be laying the table, clearing the table and emptying the dishwasher. That's not much. And is even less if they alternate these tasks.

Agree expectations. If they forget, politely remind them. Keep reminding (not nagging) until it's done.

Also pick your battles. I'm not sure precisely why looking at their phone while making toast is a particular problem. And if they don't want to make their beds, why does that impact anyone but them?

Is this a case of you were used to doing everything when they were younger, and therefore expecting to have things done the way you wanted, but now have to adapt to realise that your way is not the only way?

Got a 17yo and 14yo...they have daily chores or pocket money is stopped if they don't get those chores completed.

Dog walking and recycling, helping with supermarket shop. Carrying the shopping in from vehicle to the house. Eldest currently applying for part time jobs at the moment to earn his own money if possible. They sometimes have to help with recycling centre trips too. Or fence painting and gardening for relatives who are disabled.

14yo often complains but he gets his phone monthly bundle paid for and other treats. They're hardly hard done by. They keep getting reminded of this!

There needs to be consequences for not completing agreed tasks. But this really ought to start from young children, not that you can change that. I'd sit down all together and agree shared tasks between the whole family, your DH needs to pull his weight to, particularly with a son it's so important they don't internalise that only women should do housework. Set punishments for not doing agreed tasks, like no allowance or you'll change the Wifi password.

Really feel for you. It’s so hard.
mine are now 20 and 17 and it’s so much better now - tho all the sleeping and phone scrolling still drains my energy!
there is some great advice on here.
i think still having some fun, playing games, movies and keeping the bond is essential it can’t be all nag especially at 13 and 15 - even watching their favourite YouTube vids together and really engaging with them helps communication mean something. They hear you better!
pick your battles and then also say how sad and disapointed you are that after the fun time / trip/ pocket money, they aren’t helping you a bit when you’re tired etc.
someone else has said this but IMO it’s the most important thing - I like to set out what i expected my teens to do when you’re getting on well, discuss it, and ensure they understand what it means and know how to do the chore well, this is easier than springing it on them.
these things should help- especially all done in tandem. Good luck xx

Thanks everyone for your v helpful input - started to make changes already .. slowly but surely!

You have no authority. Why are they not doing what you say?

I’d buy the teenage book of how to talk. It’s very good, if a bit American - I use it professionally too How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber (28-Jul-2006) Paperback amzn.eu/d/4Y1oRFP

Think dumping the word lazy and focussing a on positives may do the trick. You don't need the stress and they don't deserve it. Chill for goodness sake.

Really sympathise! My eldest two were very good and besides the usual teenage moans they generally helped around the house. There is a big age gap between them and my younger two and my ex dh (long story) goes mad if I even ask my youngest (dd16) to rinse out her glass! Ds21 is naturally clean and tidy and I often find the bathroom or the kitchen sparkling when he's home from university.
I've already bought my gs (aged 2) a duster and a few other items to get him used to doing his bit.

They do if they’ve been brought up to do them from early childhood.

Not your fault. One left at home, fairly lazy. Just take a few days away. See how it is when u return. Stop doing extras, ask for washing to be brought down. Mine don't sit at the table any more, pointless but 10 year old might like it.

Work out what is really important to you & what you can let go of.

for example, teeth brushing. Yes, dental hygiene matters but it won’t cause all their teeth to fall out if they leave it a week and then one of their mates will tell them that they stink and that will have more impact than you nagging them every day.

Wandering around with a phone while making toast, is that really something to get worked up about? Maybe for you it is but maybe it’s more important that they clear up after dinner. Pick your battles & try to let some of it go.

It does get better, there will be moments you want to scream but it does get better.

Good luck.

look at consequences.

I'd stop using the word 'nag' for a start, and I'd blow my top at anyone accusing me of it. That word belittles and demeans women.

You have a DH problem by the way. He should be backing you up, not telling you it's your fault for letting them get away with things before. They are his kids too.