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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Help any advice re: off the rails teenager 16yrs old

16 replies

Leenie · 14/04/2008 13:20

Hi, is anyone else out there having big probs with their teen, my daughter, done well at school, passed all of her GCSE's and went on to study her A-levels, she has now decided that she doesnt want to continue, and has dropped out of college, i kind of accepted this as she had had a few personal probs, ie: she was robbed by a group of girls last yr, and that caused her problems as , we pressed charges and some of these scumbags friends attended the same college, and she was being intimidated by them tring to get her to drop charges, however, we diddnt back down, but by this time my Daughter had gotten behind in her coursework, so it all got too much, Nows the bit i cant cope with, i explained that although i would support her decision, it meant that if she left college she would have to get a job or do an apprentiship , a month later, she still is doing nothing,she lies about looking for work, saying she is going out to hand out CV's but i come home from work and she is usually just lazing around and listening to music in her room, we have now started to fight continually over this, when i have tried to sit her down and talk,she has total attitude, i tell her that i cannot afford to just keep her for free, i am a single parent and her father doesnot support her, to this she has told me dont bother she will go hungry, she has turned from a lovely well spoken girl to a rude little hood rat, i just want my beautiful loving enthusiastic daughter back...

OP posts:
motherhurdicure · 14/04/2008 13:31

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dippymother · 14/04/2008 15:08

My son also got very lazy/lethargic like this when he was 16 (18 now). School not going well (he couldn't see the point) although decided to stay on for A levels but not much enthusiasm. Spent a lot of time in his room with his computer games and TV. I encouraged him to get a part-time job though he wasn't keen. I wrote his CV out for him, made him take it round the local shops (no luck there), then I picked up an application form from McDonalds. Made him fill it out and then I posted it. I would have preferred it if he had made the effort but I didn't want to keep nagging. Imagine his shock when McDonald's phoned him to ask him to come to an interview! I drove him there and waited. He got the job. My husband thought he would last no longer than 2 weeks but to our surprise, he is still there having made some wonderful friends, still at college doing the A levels (slightly more enthusiasm, not as much as we would like), but now has a great social life and money in his pocket. It has also done his self-esteem and confidence the world of good. I am not sure what he will do once the A levels finish this summer - maybe work in McDonald's full-time, not what we would have hoped for him but if it makes him happy....

Don't know if this will help your situation, and I am really sorry for the problems your daughter has had with the girls at college. How awful for her (and you).

Best of luck.

dolally · 14/04/2008 22:39

so sorry for what you're daughter's been thru, and you too of course.

Two comments jump to mind.

One, like dippymother above, would strongly suggest that you see if you can help out with the job business, ...without winding dd up of course. Teenagers are notoriously lethargic ...and also don't really have the confidence. When I was 18 and at college I saw an ad for part-time bar staff, my mum asked me if I was going to go round to the pub or phone them...I kept saying yeah yeah later. My mum said right, I'll give you a lift. Before I knew it I was in the pub being interviewed I got the job and found loads of friends and fun times.

So take dippy's advice.

Two, any chance of her moving to a different college and continuing where she left off? Sounds like the bullying and intimidation at the old college really was too much to bear.

Am trying to get my dd 16 organised into a summer job this year. She wants one but, left to her own devices I don't think she'd EVER get round to it!

Good luck!

cory · 15/04/2008 08:05

Just wanted to chime in with previous posters. Attitude in teenagers is so often about covering up a lack of confidence, and that seems to be very much the case here. It's a big scary thing to have to start handing out CVs and selling yourself, particularly if you've just been through something that feels like failure.

Any practical help you can give her, either with job hunting or finding a new college? Please don't let her feel the situation is her fault.

AbbeyA · 15/04/2008 08:16

I agree with the other posters, she sounds as if she has had a hard time and a big knock to her confidence, it isn't easy to sell yourself with a CV. My DS is the same age and trying to get a part time job, but so far he has a list of rejections.
Have you thought of getting some outside advice? My DS and I have got an appointment today to see an advisor at Connexions because he has vague ideas of what he wants to do after school but we are not sure of the best way of going about it.I am hoping they can help. I will let you know later whether I would recommend it or not.

iloatheironing · 15/04/2008 09:45

Connexions were great with my ds too.

You say you can't afford to keep her for free. Is she getting jobseekers? If so don't you ask her to conribute towards her keep? Even if you don't need it put it in a bank account for her so she has some savings behind her for when she gets over this stage and wants to move out/ go back to college or whatever.
IMO it is important for them to realise that there is no such thing as a free lunch. My ds moans about what I take off him but I've told him that if he can find somewhere that will put a roof over his head, feed him, do all his laundry, keep him warm, provide tv, internet, telephone and a taxi service for what I charge him then ask them if they have room for one more cause I want to move in too!!!!
You dd sounds all to familiar to me fairly typical of some teenagers I'm afraid! I have two and an 11 year old who is well on her way to becoming the same! Your dds experience at school must have been awful but I would try not to let her develope a victim mentality iyswim. That incident has marred her first experience of college but it is up to her not to let it spoil her future.
In your situation I would be firm about the money thing and then offer her all the help I could to either get back to college if the reasons she dropped out can be addressed, or find a job.
good luck

AbbeyA · 15/04/2008 16:59

My DS and I had a very worthwhile session with an advisor at Connexions.
this page.
I just phoned up yesterday and we went this afternoon and were there for about an hour with no sense of rush. We wrote down questions before we went and now have a much clearer picture of the direction to take and some useful advice. She even gave him some firms wanting weekend workers so he has about 5 leads to follow up. I would look at the link and find your local branch and phone up.
Have a good chat with your DD first to see what she wants to do. You could see if she wanted to try A'levels elsewhere or a different course entirely or go straight into work. It sounds as if she could do with some help.

Leenie · 15/04/2008 21:26

thanks for all your advice and experiences, i sat down and had a good talk with DD.we discussed her going back to college and continuing her a-levels , but she is adamant that she does not want to for now, she promises me that she will find a job asap she spent this eve circling jobs, i think our talk has gotten somewhere as it hasnt resulted in an argument, the issue of her being mugged is a hard one to approach she becomes very defensive, she dont like to talk because she says she feels ashamed that a group of girls who it turns out were younger than her managed to rob and intimidate her, it hurts to think that she feels emarrassed,
but it shouldnt stop her being who she is, i am going to try and be more positive with her,instead of critisizing her, will also try connexions .. thanx

OP posts:
motherhurdicure · 15/04/2008 22:09

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AbbeyA · 15/04/2008 22:25

I think that Connexions would be very helpful with finding a job. My DS only wants a Saturday job and now has 5 places to try tomorrow, if he doesn't get one he can drop in at any time for updates. They would help her with things like CVs as well.

mumeeee · 15/04/2008 22:56

She is not off the rails but just having a few problems. I agree with other posters that she may have just lost confidence, It is good you have had a talk with her and are bieng positive.

missingtheaction · 15/04/2008 22:58

my ds was also completely lethargic about finding a job until I worked out that he neede much more practical help than I realised - had never seen a CV, never been to a jobcentre, never been to an interview. I helped him do his cv (I found models on the internet, reworked them for him, made him type them and print them); took him to Connexions; told him what to say (literally gave him the opening lines) when he phoned up about jobs; did he same when he went to job agencies (and the bank to open an account). The most helpful thing was the 'scripts' - literally, 'ask to speak to the manager' 'say "i am interested in working for you and wondered if you have any vacancies at the moment"', and so on.

worked wonders. Built confidence, soon he was up and running by himself.

Bit like learning to ride a bike really - hold on and push them at first, then gradually let them go until they whizz off faster than you can keep up

missingtheaction · 15/04/2008 22:59

my ds was also completely lethargic about finding a job until I worked out that he neede much more practical help than I realised - had never seen a CV, never been to a jobcentre, never been to an interview. I helped him do his cv (I found models on the internet, reworked them for him, made him type them and print them); took him to Connexions; told him what to say (literally gave him the opening lines) when he phoned up about jobs; did he same when he went to job agencies (and the bank to open an account). The most helpful thing was the 'scripts' - literally, 'ask to speak to the manager' 'say "i am interested in working for you and wondered if you have any vacancies at the moment"', and so on.

worked wonders. Built confidence, soon he was up and running by himself.

Bit like learning to ride a bike really - hold on and push them at first, then gradually let them go until they whizz off faster than you can keep up

Leenie · 16/04/2008 13:46

WOW !! my DS just called me at work, she has an interview this afternoon !!!

i wish i was at home with her,now to help. its funny i ironed one of her 'smart' blouses last night, although she was adamant i needn't bother as she wouldnt be wearing it any time soon, and i laughed telling her it was there hung up for when she finally got interviews ! good thing i did !lol... will let you all know the outcome

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 16/04/2008 16:29

Good luck-hope it goes well.

dolally · 17/04/2008 21:21

so glad leenie, really hope it goes well and that she gets the job (if she wants it) - even if she doesn't get it - is still good interview experience so don't let her get demotivated!

Poor thing that awful mugging experience and the aftermath must have been terrible. You are doing a great job and with your support she'll get her confidence back.

When's the interview?

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