How can I help DD 16 get over crippling anxiety?

[hidinginthegarden]

Especially when she doesn't want to do anything!!

My bright, beautiful and clever DD (16) didn't get on well at school and was on a reduced timetable and we're hoping she'll scrape through her GCSEs to get to college. Her anxiety has exploded since Covid and I hate seeing her in such agony and not being brave enough to do things that most girls her age are doing.

Her mental health's not 'bad' enough for CAMHS to get involved and she doesn't want to see a counsellor. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging but it's hard when she's upset and crying and saying that she feels sick, about doing really simple things (that I know she can do).

Any encouraging stories of daughters growing out of it or any ideas what I can do to help her get through it?

I'm despairing that she just wants to sit in her room all day of the summer holidays and am terrified that she won't actually be brave enough to go to college in September.

Please be kind - I'm at the end of my tether and it's affecting my own mental health too.

See if you can get her to the doctor about the acne. Mine got some stuff that cleared hers up in a second and I felt guilty I didn’t take her before.

It is so difficult to get the balance right between being firm enough and not too firm, like walking on a constant knife edge where you might make things worse if you get it wrong, and you don’t know what getting it right or wrong even looks like.

Would she go to the GP if you sell it as an appointment just for acne meds? If that goes well she might be more open to going back to the GP later.

Like a PP said don’t worry about the summer job, lots of teenagers that age don’t have them and she’s got plenty of time to work when she feels better.

My dd was like this

We got a psychologist to talk to her .. weekly sessions

Saw a psychiatrist who prescribed medication

Was also diagnosed as autistic at 18 .. (absolutely no issues until puberty )

Struggled with social anxiety and general anxiety

Have tried a few anti depressants.. has one that helps now .

She is at uni , still struggles but much better than her early teens

Aside from if she is autistic or not get her to see people . Camhs won't do anything and paying is the only option. I could afford but also prioritised her therapy over everything to help her .

The GP is fobbing you off badly. I'd politely insist on referral. To camhs, or ASD or counselling or however it works ok your area. Politely insist to gp.

Talk to dd and tell her, say you feel you have to do something.

I'd also politely insist to gp on acne. She could be referred and put on Roaccutane, but there's loads of things gp could be trying first.

Attack it all from all sides. Email hoy. Talk to that old helpful teacher if you can track her down.

(I learnt very early on to snail, phone, chase, chase again, and follow up. On all sides. So I had about 6 different 'attacks' going on at the same time. )

Tell dd it is your parental duty to do something because you can't just let her suffer unnecessarily.

Could you find out who the consultant is at local hospital, and ask for an nhs referral, but pay to see them privately first. This can be very effective.

In a very similar situation with teen 2-3 years ago very shut off due to Covid and very withdrawn. So worried about them, online school a disaster.
i just tried to engage with them on their level and watched tv programs they were interested in, learnt their computer game they loved and played with them, regular walks each day with an ice cream or hot chocolate stop. Then managed to get them into volunteering, similar to the dance class, went with them and built up to them going themselves. Moved onto a little job, made a couple of friends not at school. Able then to access some counselling, then they blew me away by signing up to volunteer abroad for a couple of months and did then go off to college.
I just tried to be with them and support and love them and it was really really hard and draining. I was never sure I was doing the right thing. I’m not sure what the turning point was but it did improve step by step. The only way they opened up really was by me talking about my anxieties, telling them about friends who had struggled with mental health, relating experiences of family members who were all brilliant at opening up about there feelings and I think that the realisation that anxiety is normal , it’s okay to access support and everyone isn’t always great mentally all of the time was helpful too.

I was just like your DD and my own daughter went through similar at 15-16. Turns out we both have ADHD and the right medication made an enormous difference. The overwhelm experienced when you can't filter out stimuli can be absolutely crippling. She needs to see the GP even if she won't see a counsellor.

I'm a psychologist specialising in ADHD and I think a lot of girls with ADHD and autism used to go undiagnosed, and at about 25+ when the pre frontal cortex matures they would become more emotionally stable and drift along unnoticed after a very challenging adolescence. However, online school and cell phones have really highlighted executive function deficits in this group in a way that didn't show up in a traditional classroom.

Of course, it may not be neurodiversity at all, but the timing fits the template I see every day and it should be considered.

And don't worry about work yet - she's doing enough trying to keep her head above water. I would never have succeeded in a 9-5 working for someone else's agenda (I continuously burned out in the most basic jobs, unable to say no to anyone and ignoring my own needs) but I run a thriving private practice now that I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie and am passionate about my work. Her path may not look like anyone else's but it still exists.

It is so difficult to get the balance right between being firm enough and not too firm, like walking on a constant knife edge where you might make things worse if you get it wrong, and you don’t know what getting it right or wrong even looks like

I think you've summed up so much of what happens her in one succinct paragraph

@Oblomov24 camhs is too over subscribed . They wouldn't help us and as far as I could tell wouldn't help anyone unless they were literally on deaths door .
IME private is thr only way to get them help

IME private is thr only way to get them help

There may be a third way. DD's GP told us about a local charity that offers counselling and support for young people. Unfortunately DD was unable to engage due to her not being able to express how she's feeling.

It’s so so hard. I’m sorry.

one left field thing I would do (and have done for mine) is a Medichecks test for vitamin D levels, B12 and full iron panel (including ferritin). Being low or even low normal in these things can be very detrimental to mental health.

@brainexplorer
Thank you for the hope!
I have a DD diagnosed with audhd at 16 and our world changed rapidly in a few months and outlook for her future looks so scary.
I want to stay hopeful so I can give her hope. At the moment, she sees no reason to live and thinks she has nothing going on for her.
She does see a counsellor who helps but she would benefit from a adhd specialist. Can you suggest what i should look for in a adhd psychologist? I do troll through ukcp and bacp websites and they all say they specialise in ND but I am wary of changing to a new person
DD doesn't like the idea of starting over with someone new either

(Sorry OP for hijacking your post)

I would echo this.
DD was low in iron just before covid, but once she finished the tablets there was no followup and she wouldn't have coped with a blood test anyway by then.
Have recently gone back (4 years later ) and yes she is low in iron and vitamin D and folic acid so back on supplements. Hopefully they will kick in and give her more oomph for returning to college.

Thank you everyone. To gad to switch off a bit last night as I realised that burying my head in the sand isn't going to work. I dread the fight I'm going to have with her over going to the gp and then trying to actually get an appointment.
To the people who are going through this too - I'm so sorry you are suffering or have suffered with this. It's totally overwhelming!

This was me at 16 (decades before phones or covid). As an adult I find propanalol amazing. It takes away the physical symptoms of anxiety which made me feel paralysed by fear. I also had a cd with a relaxation / hypnosis session and that really worked to reduce the physical symptoms. Your dd is very lucky to have a parent like you who is supporting her.

Can I give a warning - as Ive sadly ploughed through the CAhms/ child mental health support pipeline - I just think people need to know the reality.

There is almost no - and I really mean no - meaningful NHS mental health support for children and teenagers in many parts of the Uk

My child has been waiting 2 years - and is a significantly more serious case than you describe.

We hae been offered very very crap counseling of a few sessions and other than that constantly told her needs are too complex and other waiting lists suggested. At one point our GP told us to go private as otherwise we would wait several years.

I would not waste a minute if you can afford it go to a clinical psychologist who is properly trained and can work with you as a family.
its expensie but I regret the years wasted waiting for NHS help.

If you want antidepressants for an under 18, you need a clinical psychiatrist, who can prescribe, not a psycholgist.
The GP should take over repeat prescriptions once stable, but private followups may still be needed.

Our GP prescribed Sertraline once DD reached 16.

This was me at her age too. Consider if her hormones may be playing a part, are some days of her cycle worse than others. Also if there is any neurodivergence going on.
As someone who had zero support from my family, I just wanted to say you sound an amazing mum and although she may not understand it now, she is really lucky to have you and your effort in trying to access her support.

I know in Ireland of a few services offered to her age by online chat, text or CBT online exercises. Self directed no interaction required. Perhaps this may assist her in taking a step towards reducing her anxiety.