Advice please

[Liz79k]

So my dd is 17 who seems to be struggling quite a bit socially. She only has a couple of close friends but doesn't see them very often. I know she chats online to people but to me this isn't the same has having friends to hang out with in person.
She goes to college but hasn't really made any firm friendships. She has a sporting hobby which she is very dedicated to and has social connections there but they never hang outside of the hobby.
She was feeling very lonely so I suggested she get a part-time job to open up her social opportunities. She got a job at a fast food chain, loads of people her age work there who she said were friendly. She did one 8hr shift and already wants to quit because she doesn't like the work. She said it was very loud with alot going on. I'm despairing!
I've obviously advised her to give it a bit longer but I can see that her next shift in a few days is causing her anxiety. I hate to see her worried and upset but I know at the same time I need to help her build resilience. I'm also starting to wonder if she is ASD which she was able mask very well in her primary school years as she thrived. Problems started around year 8 in secondary which also coincided with the first Lockdown.
Anyone else struggling with older teens and similar issues?
Thanks.

Mines 18. She’s similar, including school refusal.

We had her assessed. She was AUDHD. The medication was life changing.

Did you go through your GP for this? Thanks for responding.

We did for ASD.

Then she seemed very depressed and we paid to see an adolescent psychiatrist. She started her on fluoxetine which failed dismally. Then a chance comment made her realise she might have adhd (which we never ever even suspected) we were pretty suprised when she was diagnosed.

Started her on Ritalin. She was changed girl in 6 weeks. Dramatically different. Wanting to seize life instead of hiding.

To be honest I’d hate working in a fast food restaurant and I think it would cause me anxiety and I’m neurotypical and quite a resilient person.
Perhaps it’s just not the right environment for her.

My daughter sounds similar and her issues also started around lockdown.
i also wonder if she is neuro diverse but I really saw no signs of anything until she hit puberty. She was quietly confident in social situations, didn’t have difficulties with change or routine, didn’t have melt downs or behaviour issues. She played with toys imaginatively and was a joy to have around. I remember watching her on stage singing and thinking how wonderful that we had raised a confident and happy child.
unfortunately one of her best friends turned against her when she was 11 and managed to leave her socially isolated and she doesn’t seem to have really recovered her self confidence socially since then. She also developed bad acne which didn’t help her self confidence.
she seems to fear rejection and always moves away before others reject her first. She has improved loads after help from a counsellor and we can see small glimpses of the happy, confident girl she was. The psychologist said she had low self esteem and social anxiety.
I agree that a busy fast food place might not be the best environment for an anxious person- perhaps a quieter coffee shop might be better.

If it’s any help, when we saw the Ed pysch as part of her EHCP in December last year, he said he’d been overwhelmed with teen girls like this. So many of them.

And if you’re thinking ND any of you. Please consider ADHD as well as ASD. We had no idea. Muteness, social anxiety, overwhelm all symptoms of ASD, but also ADHD.

All gone in 6 weeks.

Thanks for responding. My daughters circumstances sound so much like your daughters! And yes by the end of primary school I was so happy and proud of how confident she was. I really thought I'd done enough to equip her for the challenges of teenage life. She also had friendship issues early on in secondary school and she was probably too loyal to the wrong people which left her with a very small friendship circle. She doesn't understand why girls have to b**ch so much. She gets on much better with boys which is fine until the boy then wants to become her boyfriend or said boy gets a girlfriend who then doesn't like the friendship with my daughter.
I just hate seeing her struggle and I hate even more that I can't fix any of this for her I can only advise her.

Has your daughter seen a counsellor or psychologist?

Mine was identical to both of yours at primary and as a little girl.

The wheels start to come off at secondary. Lockdown did for mine too. She was 13 at lockdown. She’s now just turned 18 and finally coming round.

She had a few sessions with a mental health nurse provided by her school which did help for a while.

I totally get you and my dd has good friendships with boys but it does make it hard socially to go out as everyone then thinks they are dating.
My friend has a daughter who was diagnosed with autism while at uni and I’ve a friend myself from a levels who was diagnosed at 40 but with them the diagnosis wasn’t a shock. I do feel that a diagnosis for my dd would be a huge shock for many. I do feel that the trauma of friendship issues and covid lockdown have given our children a dreadful mental health issue and believe that one day they will overcome it.
anyway we are having a positive weekend and I’m soaking up all the happiness right now! Hope things are ok for you as well and just know that you aren’t alone in your journey and if you ever want to send me a pm I’m right here.

Totally agree about the lockdown having a huge impact on their mental health. I also believe it impeded her social development with her peers. Those social interactions that would usually happen naturally within that age group couldn't because of the lockdowns and probably caused some physical effect in their brain development (I'm no expert in this area just my middle of the night thinking!)

Yes an ASD diagnosis would come as a huge shock in regards to my daughter too.

Continue to enjoy your positive weekend and thank you for your offer of support. Likewise.

My dd was like this a year ago op, very few friends and suffering anxiety. It affected her A'level results and she managed to scrape onto a foundation course at Uni and moving on start a degree course in September. You now would not recognize her as the same young person. She has made loads of friends at Uni, gone off to America for the summer etc, things that would be unthinkable a year ago. I would continue to encourage your dd to stick at the job for a bit longer but if it's really not for her then don't make her stay, she will find other things in time.

Thank you,
this is reassuring to read. Mine turns 18 next summer.

Thanks for responding, this is so reassuring to read.

What was the diagnostic process like? I have a 17yo who has very similar challenges (socially, focussing) to those in this thread and I'm increasingly thinking ADD. I imagine at 17 she'd need to take herself to the GP. I'm not sure where to go to get her assessed...