Would really appreciate your thoughts

[bahari2023]

About 18 months ago, my daughter came home from college saying she wanted to go on an organised tour with college that was to spend 4 weeks in the Far East volunteering in remote villages. It wasn't cheap, but I thought it would be a really interesting, life enhancing and humbling experience for her, so we signed her up. Her then boyfriend also signed up (although I did think at the time that probably wouldn't be the best idea).

Then around 8 months ago she met another boy, split up with boyfriend No.1 and started seeing boyfriend No.2. Their relationship is VERY intense, they are obsessed with each other to the point I think that it's unhealthy (but try telling that to an 18 year old girl who is totally infatuated).

Prior to the trip boyfriend No.2 really did a few things to really try and stop her going on the trip because he was very unhappy boyfriend No. 1 was going, and 2 weeks before she was due to leave she announced she didn't want to go. So I told her that was fine - but I expected every single penny I'd spent to be repaid. Funnily enough, she chose to go, albeit reluctantly.

Fast forward and she's been there two days. And now she's messaging everyone (apart from me) that she hates it and she wants to come home and that she knew she would hate it as soon as she got on the plane. She doesn't say that to me as she knows I will be really disappointed with her.

She doesn't 'hate' it. She hates being away from her boyfriend for so long and as internet access is very limited she can't call/message him every minute of the day. And I've been told he's messaging her that he can't cope without her and he wants her to come home (which is obviously exasperating the situatuion).

Now, my thought process is 'tough love'. This is a once in a lifetime experience and if she chooses to ruin it pining over her boyfriend, then so be it. I'm pretty sure in years to come she'll regret it but that's her choice.

But I'm interested to know what others think - am I being insensitive? I know young love is hard - I've been there. But it's really niggling me and I feel really disappointed that she's wasting an amazing opportunity over a boy, and he if he was 'the one' she's trying to convince me he is, then surely he should be encouraging to live her best life and not being the jealous possessive teenager he's being.

My head is a bit muddled. Please can you help me regain some context. TIA

Not been in your situation, but if my dc commits to something (like a club or doing a job) I expect them to follow it through and at least give their best shot and not give up after a few days. Especially if they've begged to go on it and I've stumped up a lot of money for it. Your dd has gone with the mindset they she'll hate it (even deciding on the plane!) so that's what's happening. She needs to look for the positives. I wouldn't bail her out unless the situation was unsafe, certainly not just because she misses her boyfriend, which tbh at that age probably won't last until Christmas.

I'd be telling her that whether she enjoys herself or hates it is entirely up to her. She will get back what she chooses to put into it. Whatever the case, she is seeing it through. She made the commitment, you've spent the money, and that's that.

I wouldn't give an inch. She has some growing up to do.

She's only been there a few days and it's a 4 week trip. Hopefully she'll start to enjoy it and it will do her the world of good to be away from her boyfriend.
Nothing much you can do otherwise apart from refusing money to come home early!