DD 15 behaviour

[connie26]

DD 15's behaviour is frequently awful, mostly to me and her slightly older sister. She cannot cope when things go wrong, flies into a rage easily and never shows remorse for her behaviour. Everything is someone else's fault. The whole family will frequently be on eggshells. She can be violent and verbally savage, especially to her sister who will try her best to stay calm. This isn't a new thing, it's been going on for years. No major issues at school although academically, she struggles and predicted grades aren't great. Homework and revision are done to the bare minimum. She has lots of friends, so no issues socialising and she's polite with others. A few years ago, I had her see a psychologist who said no ADD but signs of autism. She hasn't been tested for this as getting her to that appointment was hell, so not sure if I'd manage another. She spends hours on her phone. Her diet is of poor variety - she's a very picky eater and likes the same foods. Eating out in restaurants is tricky as inevitably, there will be something about her meal that she doesn't like. Currently on a city break and last night she stormed off on the streets after another strop. We eventually found her. Even though she knew I was upset, she smirked and laughed. Honestly, she makes me ill! Any advice would be appreciated.

No advice but I'm dreading it as a 12 year old is bad enough. Does she talk to you or just get angry.

I'm sorry but I'm gonna call you out here, a professional tells you that your child possibly is autistic and because it's hard work you don't push for further support or help. Instead you're blaming her because of your lack of parenting and getting her support. To me it's clear she's demonstrating autistic traits and yes I've the qualifications to back that up to say so. Get her the help and support she needs and just maybe life would be easier for you both! Be a parent!

Week4, yes, she does get very angry. Trying to reason with her is impossible. She won't listen, will shout and answer back. I end up losing it or mostly walking away.

Fairymary87, thanks for your honest view. With your qualifications, do you have some advice on how to get help because I've tried in the past and no one wants to listen? I had health visitors come to the house years ago and I never heard from them again. Tried to ring, still didn't get anywhere. I paid £1300 for her last test and will find the money again but how do I get an angry teenager who thinks there's nothing wrong, to attend another intensive test? I worry about making her mental health worse. I would appreciate any advice.

I just wanted to say you are not alone I am going through the same with my dd. In fact when i was reading your post i could have written it. I am in the same position and have my suspicions she is autistic. It’s ok other posters saying get help but where from? The waiting list where I am is at least 2yrs to be assessed and how the hell would I even get her to agree to go to an assessment! Its bloody hard dealing with it

I don't think a genuine health professional would say its clear she's demonstrating traits, you would not be able to tell this from one post. alot of what op said also happens in children who are not autistic but it's fair to say op needs professional advice which again if you were familiar with the process you'd know that's not easy.

@connie26 Op I would seek help from your GP to place you on the correct pathway as your daughters whole history needs to be looked at . No one here can advise as we are not trained professionals. I'm confident on the correct pathway you'll find the correct diagnosis what ever that may be, even if it's just a phase. You'll both get through this. I think that the fact she has friends and is polite to others is very positive... and be sure to mention this to the health professionals. Sending you hugs. X

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. It's very hard to deal with isn't it? I'm always trying to keep the peace at home. At school and elsewhere she hides it well which apparently, is common in girls. Last time I spoke to the GP, they said unless severe, there's nothing they can do. She was absolutely furious with me when I made her go to the private psychologist.

Thank you so much x The GP was no help whatsoever last time. I might try the nurse practitioner as they are sometimes a bit more helpful I think.

What does school say?
I'd say, another GP and ask to be referred to a paediatrician, stand firm. I'd also ask to see the SENDCO at school. If and when they fob you off saying all is well at school stand firm again and tell them that all is not well at home with her behaviour. Its not unusual for a child to be wonderful in school and a nightmare at home. It's also not unusual for school to blame the parents so be ready for this, and again stand firm.
Professionals should be 'observing' your daughter not cornering her in a room for a grilling

Let's say she does meet the criteria for a diagnosis. What then? There is nothing to stop you treating her like she is on the spectrum. You could seek a therapist who might be able to help her. However there really isn't any magic wand that will change her behaviour. I live with autistic people. It is hard. If she does not want to engage with the idea that her behaviour is due to asd then there is little chance that she will seek help. Even if she does accept a diagnosis that doesn't necessarily mean she can or would want to respond differently. I think people put a lot of faith in diagnosis and adaptations at school to somehow make life easier at home. I think the benefit of a diagnosis is that it gives the people around a choice to disengage and to have lower expectations which takes the pressure off to some degree.

So while there may be issues with autism, she is still a teenager. 15 is the worst age at the best of times, without the additional behaviour.

As you know, there are triggers. But that’s why the house walks on eggshells, because you know what they are and sometimes the change. It’s hard to predict.

will go over the things that help with us.

So the diet. Well like everything else….novelty works. So you may get a few days/maybe weeks out of a smoothie machine. You can get the smoothie cups online and get cool straws. Buy lots of fruit/some veg.
Having a nutritionist speak to her about diet and drawing something up for her. She probably won’t listen to you.

One thing we have found with behaviour, is the more we let go, the more relaxed and less likely to cause drama…BUT …left to their own devices they wouldn’t do anything!!! So we don’t care about what clothing they wear, haircuts they want etc, we have to reserve our energy for the confrontations about homework, a decent bed time and a tidy room.
The early bedtime and tidy room are a must because their behaviour deteriorates if tired and things are messy.
Work out what you can let go and what you need to reeve your energy for

• reserve your energy for

Take advantage of spending so much time on her phone, novelty healthy trends are worth a shot and might be the way for you and you other daughter to engage with your 15 yo in a way she doesn't feel is confrontational.

It's also a good way for you to make sure that there isn't something else going on with the excessive phone use, especially if she's fine at school socially speaking.

You might have the qualifications but you obviously don't have the lived experience of dealing with a highly disruptive, oppositional and often violent teenager. Have you ever tried getting one to an appointment (or anywhere) when they categorically refuse to move? When no amount of talking, soothing or pleading works. Do you suggest phsysically dragging them? My 13 year old son stabbed me and knocked my front teeth out when I tried to get him to an appointment with an NHS psychiatrist, so I know exactly what I'm talking about.

Apart from all of that, you make it sound as though getting an assessment (or any form of psychiatric help) is as easy as picking up the phone. If you are remotely qualified in this area, you should know better.

OP, I can really relate. My 15 year old can be a challenge and so much of what you wrote resonated with me.
Out of interest, how is your daughter's hygiene? I still have to nag mine to brush her teeth. And she is incredibly messy too.
Oh, and does yours ever refuse school?

She has a pupil profile following recommendations from the psychiatrist and I have spoken to the SENDCO several times about behaviour at home. I don't feel that they have taken much notice of her pupil profile, for example, her English teacher says that she shows that she ,'doesn't want to be there' in class (she's failing badly with this subject but this is the only teacher who she cries to me about at home and says she feels he doesn't like her).

All of those things - showering is fine but teeth brushing needs a lot of nagging. Bedroom is a tip. She leaves cabinet doors open every single time in the bathroom with stuff on the sink. Loo not flushed. School refusal in the past when things have become a bit too much for her. We're frequently late in a morning even though we live close by. She is very concerned about ensuring make up is done to perfection before leaving the house which is what slows us down.

Thank you. She won't drink smoothies (especially if there's bits!) She does like fruit though, so will have a bowl of fresh fruit every day. If left to her own devices, it would be cereal, chicken nuggets and fries, chicken super noodles most days..

@connie26

Good god woman, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear we share the same child!
Actually, it is uncanny.

Your last sentence is the reason why I think it would help. As a family, we need to understand her better so that we can hopefully all manage it and be less stressed. I've watched my older DD break down in tears many times as a result of DD2. I can cope with it myself (just about) but seeing how it affects my older daughter is heartbreaking at times. DH has found shuttling himself off from her when she's at her worst is his only way of coping.

It helps to know we're not alone! Have you managed to get a diagnosis or any support?

I mean, it's identical. Right down the treatment of her older sister (and older sister's reaction to it, as she's the more sensitive one). Have to say though, they were extremely close growing up.

My ex husband can be a difficult man. He is in complete denial. I may have to fund a private diagnosis on my own.
Oldest daughter (I have 3, and the daughter in question is my youngest) was diagnosed with high functioning autism at the age of 16, so that definitely increases A's chances.
I definitely think she's more ADHD though, as amongst other things, she completely lacks focus at school and has a fairly shambolic approach to life in general! Her friends are extremely important to her too.

She only joined her current school two weeks before the end of term. We took her out of her previous school at her own request, as she wasn't coping with it. It was a private school with a longer day and she's not an academic child.
So it's a bit early to know what school can do for us.
Tell you what though, I am DREADING it going back. Every day is a battle.

I'm dreading it too. I just want her to pass her GCSEs enough to be able to enrol at college for something that she's interested in. I do worry a lot about her future. Hopefully she will prove me wrong!

My feelings exactly.