14 year old daughter hates me

[BeQuaintRubyMember]

OMG. My 14 year old daughter just screamed at me and told me I was ruining her life and she hates school, she can’t trust people and it’s all my fault. She listed all my weaknesses. I did my best to own up but she wanted to scream and fight. On and on. I cowered away but it was hard to get her to separate. She hates me. What do I do? It’s awful.

Hi op, I'm sure she doesn't truly hate you. She's a teenager, she's learning to deal with hormones, emotions, and all other teenage things we'll never truly understand as parents.

Have you considered taking her to the GP for a referral for emotional/mental health support? Could school signpost you for support for her? We have kooth here and some other services

Let her get it all out. Even if she says the most hurtful things, and even though she most probably can't appreciate the big picture, reasons why you parent the way you do etc.

It doesn't matter if what she accuses you of is true or not, reasonable or not, just let her say it. Once she's said it all, however one sided it is, thank her for letting you know how she feels.
Then, in your own time, think over what she has said and see what it is that you could do to improve your relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to, or can change anything big, but sometimes you can make small changes that will make you closer over time.

Don't take it too personally, or feel like a failure. It's normal for teens to want to push away their parents in order to gain independence and be their own person rather than an extension of you.

Tell her to behave herself and stop being so rude. If she has a genuine concern that is not character assassination tell her to send you a text outlining the issue and that you will discuss it calmly in a few hours.
Have a shower, a cold drink and a snack, and a short snooze. Then refreshed consider her gripe and come to a solution.

I think the right way to deal with these things is to make fun of them a bit

Like yeah it is your fault she exists but it's done now🤣

I’d strongly advise never making fun of someone having that kind of meltdown. My dad once reacted to my teenage frustration by mimicking a high-pitched ‘female’ voice and repeating everything I said. That left me feeling I could never get heard by him ever (sadly it proved true). No, you don’t have to take abuse, but taking the flying shrapnel of teenage overwhelm is sadly part of the deal. She’s lost it with you precisely because you are a safe person in her world. Cup of tea. Breathe. Give her space then try and open up dialogue when things are calmer. Doing that whilst doing something else together helps (painting nails, baking etc).

I’ve seen this book recommended on here before. Just listened to it on audiobook and it’s really helpful.
’Get Out of My Life (but first take me and Alex into town)’
I highly recommend. I feel a lot better already!

I’m probably not the best person to answer as there is no way on earth I would have ever tolerated my kids screaming at me, then again they never did, maybe because they knew I wouldn’t tolerate it.

I think the most important thing is to stay calm, tell your daughter you won’t engage with her when she is shouting at you and remove yourself from the situation. If she tries to follow tell her one of you is leaving the room - happy for it to be her but she does not get to call the shots. Tell her you will have a conversation when she calms down.

it is a cliche but true that kids act out most with the people they feel safe with. It sounds like there is a lot going on for her and it has just come to a head and she can’t manage her emotions. The “Get out of my life….” book is worth a read. Remember, she doesn’t hate you but she does need you to step up and be an adult. Too many parents these days are too afraid of their teens to do their job.

Thank you, for your feedback and words of wisdom mamas. I feel less alone. Xx

This 💯