Almost 13 year old won’t leave his room

[Sunshineandsparklesforever]

Hi, I know there is a lot of threads about this but I just wanted some advice from other parents in the same situation. My almost 13 year old loves his own space in his bedroom, he seems happy enough but getting him to go out anywhere for even a couple of hours is impossible, no amount of bribing or turning off the internet/removing his phone helps. It’s how the summer holidays and lovely weather and he just wants to sit in his room.

Background/family situation: me and his dad are divorced, have been for several years now, live separately but within 5 mins drive from each other, neither are in another relationship so family dynamics are just me and my son at home and same for his dad, no other siblings.

Friendships: has a couple of friends he meets now and again (when I say now and again I mean within the last school year he’s met them say several times), started well, met them in year 7 then it got a bit rocky some fallings out then back to talking then seeing them occasionally, he does have online friends too who he plays Fortnite or Roblox with.

Ive took 2 separate weeks holidays from work to spend time with him, his dad has done the same so we have 4 out of 6 weeks covered, I have family that help and they have a day or two activity booked for him, I’ve suggested weekends away, day trips, a couple of hours shopping but nothing. This morning he said there’s no point in doing anything with me (his mum) as I annoy him and we will end up arguing and won’t enjoy it. I am trying so hard not to take it personally but I’ve given up asking and feel like I’m just wasting my annual leave.

On an evening he comes to life at like 11pm and starts getting all affectionate, acting silly, joking about which is fine and lovely but it feels like time is being wasted and all I want to do I make some memories. Maybe as he goes into adulthood he will take me up on the offers.

Thanks for any advice/ insight into others experience.

Unfortunately this sounds like typical teen behaviour. I work in a secondary and on the last day asked some students if they’d got plans over the summer and almost all said yep staying in their bedroom watching YouTube, playing Xbox or gaming

When you say turning internet off doesn't work....how has that been done ?

Does he actually chill read in his room or it's tried briefly and there is a big row and it gies on again?

What about saying x amount of time outdoors daily or x amount of being social or seeing friends...or helping cook dinner walkg dog ..go for bike ride.or there is no gaming?

My son is same age and to be honest I wouldn't expect him to want to hang out with me unless we were away somewhere on holiday and he had no choice!!
However I absolutely do expect him to be physically active almost every day and either make plans with friends or go to football club holiday camp locally etc

I've worked hard to keep devices apart from music out of their bedrooms but we are lucky enough to have space for a second tv downstairs and I appreciate not everyone has this. We also limit xbox screen time, it just cuts off when the screen limit is done.

At a similar age my ds could be coaxed into spending time with me to watch a netflix show like Alex Ryder or to go and do (things I am terrified of) like climbing and mountain biking.

Also at 13 they can be a bit weird about organising catching up with their mates so it might be worth organising things with some other Mum's.

Another 13 yr old bedroom dweller here, for the most part I leave him to it. He has been out a few times with his friends, football practice is still on, been out on his bike to the local shop etc. We have a few outings planned and we'll go abroad for 10 days in August so I think there's a reasonable blend.

I think you also have to adjust your expectations.
He's not a little boy anymore and finds different things to you interesting.
Online is how many kids socialise.
What does he like doing? You say he is more engaged in the evening, why don't you do something in the evening? Go to the cinema, make a fire (if you have a garden) go for a walk in the dark, go to a drive through and get some food?

Back in the day when I was having my early teen miserable phases, my mum would ask me if I wanted to go on day trips etc, I'd say absolutely no way, then she'd just say well you're coming anyway whether you like it or not. Safe to say I always ended up enjoying myself. Do we give kids too much choice and say these days? I think so...

I try to create errands that I need my teen to come on. Eg. I need you to come to b and q to buy a shelf. And then I need the teen to help me put up the shelf. Then I need them to help me move pots of plants in the garden or bake a cake or whatever.

It makes them join in and feel useful without the pressure of 'fun'. I even pay them to wash the car with me sometimes. Or reward them with an ice cream in the garden.

I think there is a mix of two things here - it's absolutely normal at 12 to not look forward to a day out with mum.

but - I do think kids now are given far too much choice about gaming for hours on end - I rely on it myself a lot when we are at home etc so Im not being judgemental (ie. I let my own kids have a lot of screen time) but it has to be balanced with outdoor/social time - and I do enforce that.

Mine has just appeared. It’s 1pm in Europe and sunny. He’ll go online for a bit but he does chat to his friends. I can coax him out bout 2-3 times a week. But he says he’s tired, He also had a massive 2 inch growth spurt this time last year so I suspect he will have another

Sounds normal for a young teenage boy.

Mine will do things when pressed but when we're at home he does prefer to be in his room alone, door shut, watching shit on his phone. I try not to take it too personally. It's his downtime and it's not a bad thing that he enjoys his own company.
However I couldn't have it day in day out all summer long. I think you'll just have to tell him rather than ask. Would he go to the cinema with you? A day out shopping if he had a bit of money to splurge?