Hi,
My teenage daughter seems to be spiralling out of control somewhat and I don’t know how to help. She has a history of self harm and takes anxiety/depression meds. Signed up to talking therapy recently.
We had a night away in March for a special occasion and told her she could enjoy having her girlfriends round, but needed to be mindful her brother was also home. We came back to an absolute mess, glasses had been smashed, a door punched, the fridge dented, shoe rack broken, drink spillages everywhere. She’d made a half hearted attempt to tidy but went to bed and left me to it. I spent the whole day cleaning. It was obvious this wasn’t just girls so I pushed and pushed and she admitted to having boys in and it got out of hand but would never open up and tell me anything. I did get annoyed which she then says is why she doesn’t tell me anything, because I shout.
We came through this and things have been ok but she’s still quite unpredictable, disrespectful and drinks way too much. Like has no clue what she’s doing. Regularly doesn’t make it to work and it’s definitely alcohol related. If I try to talk to her I’m moaned at for lecturing.
Went on holiday last week. She didn’t come. We categorically told her she wasn’t allowed more than 2 people in the house at a time. She asked for 2 friends one night, said fine but no more and don’t drink and get carried away. Arrive back from holiday and it’s obvious something has gone on. Not as bad as before but things out of place, sticky floor and sides, marks on walls, beer gone out of fridge. Ask her repeatedly to be told no, no one else has been in. She goes out because she “cba” with us not trusting her and looking for faults. The neighbours speak with DH later and advise there was a load of commotion the first night of our holiday and one neighbour ended up in our house for an hour as she told some lads to leave and they wouldn’t. Many texts later she’s still not admitting to anything, she didn’t let them in apparently. She doesn’t come home. In the morning I’m contacted by her friend who is concerned as she’s cut herself and it’s deep and still bleeding. Go and collect her and take her to the walk in centre. They steri strip it, she refuses to talk saying that I shout. Get home and she falls asleep so I look at her phone. Find some messages to a friends mum detailing the whole evening and the fact she’s lied to me over and over again, they were in the house and she had a fight with her friend who got annoyed when she chucked them out. The police were called.
I am livid that she continuously lies to my face and instead of owning up and apologising, excuses the behaviour and shifts the blame somehow to me by saying she doesn’t tell me anything cos I get annoyed. She just keeps going on about how I should be supporting her self harming not talking about this. But to me she’s taking no responsibility for her behaviour and instead expecting it to be forgotten.
Has anyone got any advice how to handle this? She will not be left alone again but that’s not really the answer, she needs to grow up.