18 year old… how would you handle this.

[MK1980]

I am having a lot of issues with my 18 year old DS with his sense of entitlement and I’m not sure how to handle it.
He left school in May after receiving unconditional Uni offers and he starts uni in September. He has a job in a local cafe and makes approx £200 a week. DS is from a previous relationship and he stays between the two homes and really comes and goes as he pleases. I have difficulty with him letting me know whether he is coming home or not, I only ask for a text so I know to lock the door and won’t worry.
DH (stepdad since he was 3) and I pay his mobile phone bill and pay half his car payments along with his dad.
We don’t take any money off him for his keep so his money is his own. On Saturday he “demanded” I pay £70 for his university DBS check as he has no money.

He bought a £65 baseball cap last week so when I tried to talk to him about managing his money I got a load of abuse and he left the house and shouted that I haven’t bought him as much as a pair of shorts this year! We are only 3 weeks home from a 16 night Florida holiday which was all paid for!

I haven’t heard from him since and I’m wondering if it’s time to administer some tough love?
How would you handle this?

I would b let it go. He’s earning money, so if he wants to spend it on a sixty five cap, then let him. We are all young (and foolish) once.

The DBS fee I wouldn’t begrudge paying as I’d consider that as part of his education.

It’s good to have a money talk, but I wonder if you were a little passive aggressive about it, hence his reaction, or you just picked the wrong time.

i would handle this by not doing anything. It’s a strange time for them, between ending school and starting uni. In many ways, he’s being a normal teen.

At 18, why does he not have his own key?
I would pay the DBS but would be dialling back covering any unessentials.

My door, if you lock it from the inside, no one else can unlock it from outside. I also tend to slide the bolt before I go to bed. I have similar issues with my 18 year old not letting me know if he will be back. I just reiterate that it doesn't matter if he is staying out, but for the security of the house, I will slide the bolt when I go up to bed, at which point my phone is on silent and he will have to sleep in his car. I wouldn't really do it, but since I have 'threatened' it, he has got a lot better at letting me know.

I would pay the DBS as part of his education, but at 18, with his own income, buying his clothes is up to him

My dd's have been paying their own phone's since heny got part time jobs. At 16...
He has no respect for you.

He should be paying his own mobile phone bill whilst earning that kind of money. I'd also be making him put some money away for spends during the year in uni, as I would be giving a carefully budgeted amount to cover essentials only if he isn't working whilst at uni. I agree with others that I would pay the DBS fee now.

He should be saving. University is expensive.

He should also be polite and considerate. It doesn't take much to send a message saying he will or won't be home on a particular day.

It's fairly normal for parents to cover some uni costs but "demanding" would get short shrift from me.

Oops, forgot to say that I'd be sitting him down for a discussion about respect and entitlement, and hopefully you can ensure that his father is on the same page too - he wouldn't learn any lessons if he just holds the hand out to his dad and gets whatever he asks for.

I hope he's moving away for university. I would let him spend the summer at his dad's - see if he behaves himself there. He's completely out of order talking to you like that.

Can you afford to pay for the DBS? He’s just left school, about to go to university, I think it’s reasonable to expect a parent to pay for expenses like that, if you can.

however, the way he spoke to you/drama-llama-ed out of the house is simply not okay.

He’s working and off to university in September, I would pull him up on being so rude but otherwise couldn’t get too stressed.

He’ll soon learn about budgeting when he goes to uni- just make a plan for how much you plan to bail him out when he blows the first student loan payment! It’s a rite of passage really to learn how to manage money, hopefully he’ll get it together at university.

I'd pay the DBS, in the same way that I'd pay a school trip or a text book. I'd also pay for family holidays if I wanted him to come. If he's buying his own clothes he can buy what he likes.

He needs to let you know if he's coming home and be polite, but it does sound like he might be right to feel you begrudge him things.

My Dad, now 80 and always a stickler for manners and good behaviour, often reminds me that being a teenage boy is really hard.

In teen speak ATM =Ask Thy Mother... Time to change that op.