Time flexibility

[Yeti80]

Hi all
how do you manage issues with time with your teens?
dd is generally great BUT she is always running late. Takes an age to get ready and is always pushing the timings of going out.
this then causes us (dad and I) to get anxious and irritable.
yesterday her dad wanted to take her out for the day as he had an unexpected day off work and they decided to go at 8. She wasn’t ready by 8.15 so he got cross and they ended up not going. I think he was a little petty as she was ready by 8.30 and it really wouldn’t have made that much difference to the day but I can see that he is fed up of waiting for her everytime we go out.
I tend to give her more flexibility - say we need to leave half an hour before we actually do and it sort of works most of the time.
we try to come to a joint decision about timing with her- giving her input but this doesn’t really make much impact to be honest.
timing for school is generally better and she is ready to go by the set time 99% of the time but this is after lots and lots of us badgering her as we both work and have to be on time.
no other issues- no signs of adhd as her organisation is top notch and she excels at school.
any amazing tips?

Sounds like typical teenage behaviour but she also sounds like a good kid. I think your approach is the best one - give her an earlier time than you actually expect.

I think your DH overreacted but I get his frustration. He needs to do what you do or else he'll just end up driving himself (and you and DD) mad.

Glad to see I’m not the only one up at this silly time and thank you for your response!

I feel your pain. My DS1&2 are absolutely ready apart from a quick shower/shave/complete change of clothes/sandwich, it drives me absolutely nuts.

what is she doing that takes time?

Just getting ready but Mostly Putting her makeup on! 🙄🙈😉

Factor in make up time and tell her the time to get ready by such as 7.45am for 8am leave the house.

Sounds like she's got used to a time actually meaning 30mins later.
Maybe change it to "you need to aim to be ready by X, as we need to leave by Y at the latest"
I presume she can get out for school/clubs/job etc on time?

What baffles me about 14yo DD is that with 10 minutes to go she seems pretty much ready to go. But then is always 10 mins late. Meanwhile, her 12yo brother, who might still have been in bed with 10 mins to go, is sat in the car waiting
Things we have been working on

• putting on socks and shoes isn't actually a time free task. Even if she knows exactly where they are, it takes a couple of minutes. If she doesn't know where they are, it takes longer
• similarly, going to the loo and cleaning her teeth take time
• filling a water bottle takes time
• finding her phone takes time
• last minute pretty-ing takes time. For that matter, she is so meticulous about hair & make up that, if it doesn't go right first time, it takes time

I've started giving her a bit of her own medicine. She hates to be kept waiting (ha ha!). We were due to leave for sports training at 5.30 the other day, I was ready then, she was at 5.35 which meant that we were 5 mins late. I was deliberately 5 mins late to collect her (this had no impact on anyone else). She was so grumpy with me. So I asked why her time was more
important than mine.

It's also about a balance. Sometimes, things do crop up unexpectedly and you're delayed. That can't be helped. However, I really went to town when she was late for another activist and the way it's run meant everyone else had to wait for her to turn up. I also explained it's not a question of aiming to get there for the second it starts but aiming to get there 5 mins early so that everyone is ready to start on time.

A few times of just going without her should do the trick. Give her a time you must be IN THE CAR not just ready then drive off at that time. Of you're just supposed to be taking her to her hobby then text them to say she's not coming and take yourself for a quiet coffee instead.

I feel like I'm a bit more extreme but it's what I would do tbh.

I have a child under investigation for ADHD. I put lots more support in for her but the other 2 just have to be ready or I'm going.

If it means they're late for school or anything else then they face the consequence.

They have never been late for school and are always ready at the set time. Both DDs 15 and 17.

On the flip side they both have some anxiety about being late which I've probably created. Oops,

Occasionally sure fine it happens but no if my child did it all the time no I would not excuse it by being a teenager, they will have to turn up for work one day and be considerate of others as they grow

So yes I would be addressing it now or they have to learn to find their own way to places or miss out

815 instead if 8 just doesn't sound worth falling out over withh a teenager

Sounds like her dad needs to let the small stuff go if he wants to maintain a connection with her

thanks everyone- it’s good to know we aren’t alone and I totally agree that dad needs to loosen up a bit. I’ve warned him that she will simply stop wanting to go out with him but he can’t see it. I think we need to be a little flexible but any extended lateness will forfeit the trip.
I also will try the being late myself trick as I suspect she would hate this and it might show her how we feel.