Teenage girls

[SewingWarriorQueen76]

My DD is recently 13 & to give more independence we have suggested that she meet friends go to town / cinema with friends but without parents. It’s 4 miles away and will be the first time navigating public transport on her own.

She is an only child and we are ok with but it seems that in her friendship group that the others can’t seem to motivate themselves to agree, or to suggest anything.

If someone offered to pay and transport plus be chaperone, I am sure that they would say yes

Do I have unrealistic expectations of what teenagers want or are se just to lazy to sort anything out?

I would be happy with my 13dd in a group at the cinema but I wouldn’t feel happy with her travelling on public transport alone. She’s only got to have one out-of-her-depth experience of a predatory opportunistic male on there and it could scar her for life. (Or worse). Why can’t you give her a lift to meet them there?

My daughter is 13 in October and travelled to a town about 20 mins away on bus with her friend to go to the cinema. I do worry but feel it's important that they get bits of independence slowly. We live in a fairly large town but quite a rural area and it's likely when the time comes, if she goes to uni, she will have to move to a city so even more vital for me that they learn/develop these skills over a period of time so it becomes the norm.

The idea is that they all go on the bus together. It’s 4 miles and they have previously had a parent tagging along.

My question was whether all teenagers are too lazy to sort out social activities ?
My DD has asked her friends but they can’t even be bothered to try to agree a date.
Is it really too much to ask for someone to say , for example, “ I can only do Tuesday “

It's maybe sorting things out with parents etc that's putting the skids on things. 13 year olds don't always have loads of free time.

@Screamingabdabz surely this is totally normal at 13?

I do think modern teens are not as motivated as previous generations....lets be honest their home set up of screens...phones...gaming...parent ked activities....means they just aren't bored enough to get out of thst comfort zone and get onto doing stuff that involves effort !

I was reading the novelist Stephen kings autobiography recently....ye talks about how glad he is thst he grew up without a TV....just before tv became common. He walked miles every week to the cinema in the nearest towns...literally miles there and back because there was nothing else to do. It was an adventure and he still remembers the films he saw.

Or...as I read recently about the Beatles...when they were growing up kiss would cross town to visit a friend rhey heard had a new record ....

Kids now lack this sort of impetus....

I live in a more walkable town so I see my son at 11 showing more independence than you are describing here. Since year 7 him and friends do things like this every weekend and are more often doing it without parental involvement ...

DD will only do things with 1 other friend and that is often difficult to arrange due to their schedules. Both are living on opposite sides of town so they have to take the bus.

I don't think taking a bus is a big issue. DD needed some help the first time she had to change busses as it also meant going to a different bus stop but after doing it together and showing her how to use the bus app.
We take the bus most times we are going to town as I hate the car park so she is very familar with it.

We have time restirctions though until when she can take the bus, if it is later than 6pm, especially in winter, we collect her.

My question was whether all teenagers are too lazy to sort out social activities ? My DD has asked her friends but they can’t even be bothered to try to agree a date.

No teenagers are not all too lazy to sort out social activities. It's a rather strange and generalising assumption. I mean based on your post I may ask 'are all mothers of teenagers sticking their nose where it doesn't belong and micro managing their teen's social life'? Teenagers just like adults are just individuals and all quite different. Maybe it's your dd's particular group of friends who either too buys or have better options than to meet with your dd. Or maybe they are not as good friends as you and your dd think. Time to branch out and find people who are happy and have the time to socialise.

Regarding travelling by public bus, I don't see the issue if they do it as a pair or in a group? No chaperone needed, they're not five. I'd do the journey once with your dd and talk through all the challenges and options so she is familiar.

I never quite get the negativity towards teenage girls from some.

I never quite get the negativity towards teenage girls from some.

Actually I do, I have seen it so often. It's internalised misogyny.

No my DD (and DS) regularly took the bus on their own from age 12. As for organising an outing with friends it took one 'leader' and the others would go along.
Is your DD suggesting this to her friends and they are just all saying they can't be bothered? I found my son great at getting kids to go do stuff but my daughter was happy for another to suggest it. Happy to go along, but didn't instigate things herself.

Dds friends can be a bit rubbish about agreeing stuff.

Sometimes I think it is because parents organise their lives and they don't know what else they are doing and when. And then cba to ask their parents!

We have a Google family calendar which has everything we are doing on it as a family or individually (so may not be around for lifts). This gives DD the ability to see when she's free which others don't have.

I also suggested doing a WhatsApp poll for arranging iceskating date. This did actually garner some responses so might be worth a try.

DD is 13 and it's very variable with her friends. She doesn't see much of her school friends outside of school, because they do a lot of socialising via phones etc. She does have a lovely close friendship group though and we have taken a couple of them on holidays with us etc. (DD is an only) and they have had a great time and definitely take the initiative about planning more when they are out of the expectation of everything happening via phones etc. She will also plan an activity with a friend, like shopping for ingredients then baking brownies etc. But not as much just 'hanging out' together the way we used to.

DD then plans activities with her pony friends but they often rely on parents to take them places or trailer the ponies about, but they sort of decide they'd like go to x this week and we figure out which parent can take the time out to take them.

I think when I was their age, if I wasn't out with my friends, I was on my own at home (or doing activities) but they can be very social right from their own rooms now so the whole dynamic has changed. It's not all bad though - there was a group of about 5 of them watching the football last weekend and on a group call at the same time, and the chat and the laughs and the groans and the cheers etc. it was the same as being in the same room, but nobody had to drive around at 10.30pm to collect them etc. So we try and embrace that as social time too.

I too have encouraged DD to get the bus to town with a friend and they've been a bit 'meh'....there isn't much in our local town these days apart from coffee shops, and they're all savvy about shopping online. It's not like when I used to walk to town after school and spend ages in the Body Shop or HMV. I can sort of imagine them getting to town and having a coffee and a cookie and then being bored in about 10 mins.

@SuperDen I asked teenagers were too lazy- it wasn’t a sweeping assumption just a straw poll. The answer is it just depends

And also you are accusing me of micromanaging when I am asking for a general idea of what other teenagers are like. As I said , I have one.

But you know, have a go if you like to shout into the void,

Thank you everyone else.
I get the feeling that they are mostly a bit meh and that it might turn around a bit, especially when the summer holidays seem to go on

On reflection after posting yesterday or whenever it was, I would say DD and her pals will arrange to get together to do a specific thing, but it's often a big thing and sort of requires our intervention quite often, e.g. driving them somewhere or booking tickets etc. They don't get together so much just to 'hang out' in the way I did, probably because they just hang out in a virtual space.

So DD has now said that on Thursday her and a friend are going to talk to a local shop and buy ingredients and bake. And one of the days next week I am taking them to a big out of town shopping centre. But between now and then they'll just message each other etc.

We're in London. 13 year old DS (just finished year 8) travels all over- his friends live in all different parts of London so he's figured out Citymapper, got his travel card and he's off. He's a planner though- the group organiser. He's the one checking cinema times, booking mini golf, trampolining, organising lunch. He's currently researching where to go fishing and there's a plan to get a train. His friends are grateful and turn up but rarely plan anything.

I think it's because he has an extremely social 18 year old sister, sees her out all the time and just assumes that's what one does.

He's on life360 and good at keeping in contact. I prefer this to him being on screens all day, despite the odd catastrophe (he ended up in Stratford by accident recently and was an hour late home- but texted!)

I don't think it's laziness. I think ultimately if they wanted to, they would sort it out one way or another. So probably they don't really want to. It's difficult I know, I also have a 13 yo m always trying to get independently out of the house but I think the idea and the impetus has to come from them. It will eventually. My 15 yo is happily round and about with her friends without much input from me these days.

My 13 navigates buses and goes out in this way, so I think it's reasonable to encourage and expect it. However perhaps they have to want it to happen and that may come as they get older, if not I don't think it matters x

Also in London, as a PP, and DC have no issue with public transport. They started to organise their own social life from final year of primary school (with local meet-ups); a bus somewhere wouldn’t be an issue at 13.