Lazy teen

[Sunfinally]

Ds 16 recently finished year 11 is driving me up the wall and making me so sad and fed up.

I'm dreading his GCSE results because although he did work hard at school he hardly did any revision. Despite my absolute best efforts. He's smart enough but lazy and zero common sense.

He's so lazy it's unreal. Says he wants a part time job but has done nothing off his own back. Seems to have the attitude that certain jobs are beneath him. I could get him some nice easy voluntary work at his siblings sports club for a bit of experience, but he says maybe, when he's got time. The shop next to our house does paper rounds. He's refused to even go and ask. I've told him he needs to get real but I don't know what goes on in his head tbh.

That wouldn't all be so bad as he's starting college in Sept, but I go to work and come home to find he's done fuck all. All his dirty dishes and pans are left everywhere. Not even emptied the bin or taken recycling out. He's stripped his bed but didn't bother to wash it and slept on bare mattress. He's gone out and left TV downstairs and upstairs on wasting electric.

I do not understand how I've raised such a lazy child. Dh and I work out arses off. I'm really firm with ds, I make him to chores but it's a nightmare and so draining having to force a 16yo to do basic things.

Please be kind because I feel so sad and anxious. Me and dh are run down with our own jobs and it's exhausting having this lazy teen you're having to force to do anything.

Teens are naturally lazy and self absorbed. You would be better off giving him a list of chores rather than expecting him to see things that need doing.
The bed thing is annoying but also his problem so although it's frustrating I would leave him to it with his own room as long as dishes are brought down and washed.
He could be doing his own laundry seeing as he's home all summer- he will soon learn when he runs out of clean clothes.
As for the job, assuming he needs money to see friends etc? I would be giving a set amount per week, if chores are done. Anything more would be a no, this would be an incentive to look for a summer job.

And as for the exams. No point worrying now there's nothing you can do until the results come out. But some people just don't need to revise as much as others or have different styles of learning- he might do better than you think

You have to teach him gradually. We don’t become 16 and suddenly see things like adults do.

Thank you for replying. I really needed to vent. That's all really good advice.

I do usually leave him a list, just basics like empty dishwasher, take out recycling, yesterday I didn't and I came back to such a mess, ds gone out. It really wound me up.

@Sunfinally my mum used to give us a list of jobs to do and if they weren’t done, there was hell to pay, no going out, no treats etc etc

You sound like a lovely mum, leaving the tv on and buggering off out is taking the piss, do you give him pocket money? Start withholding that and he will soon learn

How do you teach a teen who is so against everything you suggest?

Believe me I have tried and am trying but his attitude is terrible.

No point worrying about the exams they are done and dusted.

If he's off to college in Sept then he has a plan.

Best way to encourage them to get a job is to have a set amount of money per month you give them and no more. If they want more get them to either do (additional) chores and tell them to get a job. Takes a while but does work long term.

For what it's worth a lot of them go through this stage and most of them turn into a decent human being at the end.

I don't actually give him pocket money and he doesn't really ask for money. Going out tends to just be to a friends or girlfriend's house or they come here, or they'll go walking around. His grandparents give him the odd £20 and he uses that if he really wants to do something or he'll use his birthday money. If he does ask for money I always get him to do a few jobs for it.

When he got home I made him do all the clearing up for the mess he'd left so it's not like he got away with it, but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter what I do it doesn't change him.

I would make his pocket money dependent on getting some jobs done. Be realistic though. Not everything you would like doing. Saves a lot of argument. Mum ...friends are going down town ...can I have
£10 please. Sure .. as soon as you've hoovered the house 😃. First time probably won't happen in time to go then you get as bit more thought put into it. Mum I would like to do xyz tomorrow ...hopefully smile... Yes if you do ABC today. Getting transactional saves a whole lot of argument. Also teaches them; n a very practical way why we all go to work. Gets them motivated. Job done up and out of the house. Of course this doesn't mean a yes every time. Once he's motivated a bit he might see how great it would be to have more money from that part time job. Good luck op. Managing teens can be worse than having toddlers 💐

I'd stop anyone coming round until he's doing jobs without being asked.
Re the job continue with no money once he gets to college others will have more and he'll likely want the same

Thank you.

He doesn't really seem bothered about having no money.

I'd like to think I haven't spoilt him. He had a phone for his 13th birthday which he's still got, I pay for a cheap contract. If he wants branded clothes they are generally birthday/Xmas presents. If he does ask for money I'll say ok, but you can cut the grass.

Perhaps when he starts college that might change.

Ah! Cross post. I see you already get him to do jobs for pocket money 😃

Honestly I could have written your post OP about one of mine. It’s soul destroying isn’t it?? Especially the attitude that certain jobs are beneath them!
Much as you want them to understand how their behaviour impacts you, they probably won’t, so you need to make sure it impacts them. Mine is v dapper so I refuse to do his laundry. He does it when he runs out of clean stuff. I’m different to a lot of MN in that I wont accept a disgusting room, with food everywhere and dirty sheets, so that is a battle every time but if the room doesn’t get a basic clean every week or two I hide the ps controller until it does.
I also refuse money for fun stuff. I’ll pay for college bus fare, new socks, haircuts etc, but you want takeaways out with your mates? Get a job! I am helping to achieve this as I think it would never happen otherwise.
Solidarity.

@shiningstar2 thank you, teens are bloomin hard work, well ime anyway.

He's quite content just to go out playing football or he'll walk to the retail park and buy a sandwich. He can get by doing that just from the odd bit of money from grandparents.

Although I'm sure that once he starts college and sees others doing more that might change.

What's upsetting is I feel as though I've failed when he's turning his nose up at certain jobs.

Like he'd be lucky to get a job. A bit of graft can go a long way but he doesn't seem to see that. Even if that's not a paid job but doing the basics round the house.

I’m not sure at this stage. What I’ve done is never make housework something associated with anger or being a bad person.

My mum used to go mental over mess which meant as soon as I moved out I avoided housework like the plague - I could finally just live and be free, not miserable like her! When I think of her now, I think of her shouting, calling me lazy, selfish, miserable, disgusting. I grew up thinking these things about myself internally and it’s affected my sense of self. I have to override this programming even over age 40.

It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I developed a sense of personal responsibility and found my own reasons for having an organised and clean household - ironically its was that I wanted my family to remember living in a nice, organised and stress-free environment.

My children have seen me and DP calmly taking care of the house and enjoying the results. They have natural copied us in their own time by waking up and taking care of their rooms of their own accord.

I say things like “Hey kids, when you leave the bathroom can you make sure you wipe down any mess before you come out as that saves me a job in the mornings” and they say “sure” and will do it.

It hasn’t always been perfect. Both of my children have had their stages of being grumpy and low-energy, close to tears at a request to do a simple thing.

I remember this feeling so well from when I was a teen so would vent my anger to DP in private but hide it in front of the DCs and try to be matter of fact with a dash of humour if possible. “If you keep plates on your floor, you’ll get mice in your room and they’ll start eating our house” for example.

Yeah, the thing is SOME kids will see you clean and keep thing nice and naturally copy you… and SOME kids will never do that in a million years! I don’t think housework has to be a punishment but it is just part of life, it’s not really optional for adults. Trouble with teens is they want all the priveledges of adulthood with none of the graft!
OP, I agree, once yours starts college and sort of moves into the next phase of wanting to maybe go out more or maybe buy more expensive clothes or tech, or whatever it is, it might motivate him to get earning. I would try to be positive about the benefits of work- experience, independence, meeting people etc .

So this is the scenario this morning.

He got up at 10.30am. I told him I was going to the supermarket. I asked him to take the bin bag out, empty the dishwasher, and bring his bedding in off the washing line and make his bed up. Should all take 10 minutes right?He slept on bare mattress again last night despite me telling him to use spare bedding.

I got back from the shops and he'd took the bin bag out but not put a new bin bag in, he'd emptied the dishwasher but not loaded the few bits into it, he still hadn't bought the bedding in.

He wanted to argue that I didn't tell him about the bedding. I mentioned the bin bag too and instead he stropped off to get the bedding so I ended up just doing it myself.

Asked him to chase up after a job he'd applied for. He'll do it later, he won't though.

Where am I going do wrong? It's exhausting doing this merry go round every single day.

I've found with my teens it's better to give them a list of jobs they are always responsible for, rather than giving them ad-hoc things. We also got their buy in to what they thought was "fair" (once we'd moved past - yes they did have do something and in return they got stuff done for them).

Also pick your battles. If he wants to sleep in squalid/no sheets, then frankly, let him.

I wouldn't force the job thing if he's not motivated to get one himself. I imagine he might be a nightmare employee :)

I agree that starting college might be different - it was absolutely the norm for everyone in my DCs' sixth forms to have jobs, and this resulted in turn with them spending more on "going out", planning summer festivals and holidays etc. If he sees he's left out because he can't fund things he might suddenly be keen on earning money.

Does he have an idea of the job/career he wants? I found over years of teaching that once teens have a plain/aim they get more focused.

He will change at college if he sees others doing "better" etc if he's got some ambition. If he's got no ambition or aims then that's the starting point as the perpetual ambling around means they drift and can become depressed and that self reinforces the apathy.

I'd probably call a bit of a family meeting and set a chores timetable which then leads to consequences such as games consoles or telly access going, but also have some one on one time and see if you can start to tease out why he seems so apathetic towards things.

Ok I think you need to go back to the sort of positive parenting strategies you use on little kids. So, my kid would never remember that list (he takes after me, I wouldn’t either!) Next time maybe write the tasks down as bullets on a big piece of paper?
The fact that he did at least make an attempt is really positive, so praise that. It seems really silly because you think- it’s nothing, he should have done it all / properly. But the thing is if he half arse tries, you tell him off, it breeds more resentment on both sides and then he’ll just stop even trying.
With positive reinforcement they get some encouragement. Literally, use the same strategies you use on toddlers. It does help I promise. At heart teens don’t want you to be mad at them ( it’s hard I know!).

I wouldn’t let anyone sleep
on a bare mattress either - gross!

Before I went to the shops I asked him if I should write it down. I said because often you tell me that I didn't tell you things.

His response was no, do I think he's stupid, he's not an idiot he can remember a simple list (that's how he speaks). I could have wrote it down anyway but that would have caused another row.

I asked him to phone up about the job he applied for. He asked me where he can find the number 🤷‍♀️ and what he's supposed to say.

Ye exactly. This bedding situation has been going on for three says. I didn't know he'd stripped his bedding off until dh noticed.

He'd stripped the bed but not put it in the wash or even put spares on.

Every single tiny thing is a huge effort. I know people are saying it's his room etc but sleeping on a bare mattress really isn't on.

I asked him to phone up about the job he applied for. He asked me where he can find the number 🤷‍♀️ and what he's supposed to say.

Well that’s fair enough. We’re not born knowing these things. My step-mum modelled how to do it by picking up the phone and talking as if she was doing it. I was terrified but once the first one was done I had the confidence.

I do wonder if other adults have completely forgotten their own childhoods sometimes.

He obviously isn’t the most academic or smart. He needs help navigating life, not scorn.