My middle child hates me and the family

[MerryKoala]

My middle child hates me and the family
0 replies

MerryKoala · Today 12:54
I am a mum of 3, my middle child has always been quite strong willed and independent. For the past 3yrs her behaviour has become unacceptable to the point she is putting herself in danger running away staying out god knows where, she just says she hates me and her siblings wants to move out at 16, doesn't go to school. The school have tried everything reduced time tables managed moves the lot she just doesn't want anything, I have had social workers out because of somethings that have happend with a relationship she had, but the hatred and the disrespect is uncalled for we haven't done nothing wrong when I ask what have I done? she says nothing she just hates me, I was there when she was in the bad relationship trying everything to get her away from him, was that what I done wrong the things she is telling me slowly is awful. Not to go into to much detail but if I hadn't turned up well found her one night she could of been dead and to hear that is soul destroying but I tryed everything phoning the police phoning the social worker everything, but it feels like she is punishing me for not doing enough. I am at my whits end I don't know where to turn I have tried everything she has got a appointment with CAHMs but she is saying there is no point in going. Am I really that bad?

How old is your daughter?

What age is she and what reason does she give for hating you? We can't possibly say whether you are 'that bad' because we don't know you at all but you seem to be trying to help her and some kids blame their parents when they are hurting inside, whether the parent deserves it or not. Is she using drugs?

Also to add I hope you have some support for yourself as well. I ask if she is using drugs because I've seen many people including teens using drugs and blame everyone around them. Is she away from the partner she was with? Was he a drug user?

I’d put money on it some thing bad has happened to her. Scrape every penny you have got some therapy got her.

Kids are not born angry and troubled. Something has gotten her to this place and she needs help,

What happened with the relationship she was in? She sounds like she's been hurt and is struggling to process it. With teenagers it's really common for all difficult emotions to be expressed as anger, which means they are often at their least lovable at the time when they most need love and connection. It's horrendous and you have my total sympathy. Mine tended to target me in particular - because they know I'm not going to walk away - and it was incredibly hard to take.

My advice would be to scale back on the expectations in terms of school attendance and other demands on her, for now. Focus on providing a safe and calm environment and trying to find small ways to connect and open up communication. If she isn't already having counselling and if she would be open to it, that would be great - but if it's just another demand that stresses her out, I wouldn't push it.

She is 15yrs old she is counting down the days she in her words move out. The partner she was not a good lad but the social worker has said nothing bad in the sense of sexual assault happend it was more mental, I have tried getting her a councillor but she wants to see one she was seeing before and I have got to go through CAHMs to get the help if that makes sense where he is you have to be referred. She can't give me a reason for hating me she just says she hates me I ask why and she says she just does, I havent done nothing she just hates me I don't know what to do.

Most people don’t admit to being sexually assaulted. Doesn’t mean that her boyfriend did it either. Could have been someone else.

I’d be booking an appointment with her GP to check her bloods and hormones

AND

I wouldn’t give her the choice of ‘waiting’ for CAHMS as it could be 18 months, tell her this will get the ball rolling till her CAHMS appointment comes around.

But something has happened to her, maybe sexual assaulted, traumatic experience, hormonal imbalance, mental health.

I’ve three daughters and I KNOW around 16 they can become hard work, but even though she is being a little sod it’s just acting out something.

I know it’s tough that you’re getting verbally battered, it’s not fair. I hope you have support too.

I think the fact she says she hates you but doesn't know why - asks for your help - and tells you stuff shows she doesn't actually hate you.

She's just angry.

Angry at what's happened to her and it's easier to be angry at you rather than angry at herself for her choices.

Keep those lines of communication open. Keep supporting her. One day she'll mature emotionally and you'll probably have the strongest bond with her.

She may want to live out because she doesn't want to live with people who know what happened. Hopefully over time with your love and support she'll start to accept it.

And I'd use the typical line when she says "I hate you" and reply "that's a shame because I love you - and I love ....." (add something about her or she's done to show her you notice)

I have tried the G.P she won't get out the car I have tried every which way getting her in the doctors surgery, she has a appointment with Cahms next week, I know she might be keeping exactly what happend to herself atm I think that's why she wants to speak to this certain councillor which is understandable. Thanks for the advice its nice to be heard

She doesn't hate you, she knows she can say that to you because you love her. Keep showing her love. Let her know it doesn't matter what she does, you will always love her

Hand hold. My son HATES me. At around the age of 12 he just shut down and stopped communicating, I kept trying and he sneered and mocked me. Only spoke to me to demand money/food/be rude. I tried to keep things civil in case he matured over night. So many insults (cunt, bitch) but when I said WHY am i a bitch though? there was never an answer.

Doesn't sound like she hates you, it sounds like she's lashing out at her safe person.

I would love bomb her and listen with no judgment to everything she says about her life. Just validate her feelings and when she's talking about her ex be really careful to avoid comments that could sound like victim blaming or sympathising with the guy (eg "you should have told me", "i wish i'd known", "he must have had a tough upbringing" etc).

Do you have a teenage mental health drop in centre near you? We did & ds went every week to see a counsellor who specialised in teenage mental health, they were so useful & then referred him to a charity for 12 intensive sessions. This all helped until he got to see a psychologist on the NHS.