Very Aggressive Teenage Girl

[Lighteningstrikes]

This is a bit of a weird one, but believe me, it is genuine, and I would really appreciate some advice, on what could be done about it.

My DS17 and his friends have a 16 year old female 'friend' in their group who can be lovely but can also have quite serious mood swings and become very aggressive towards them (individually). I think it depends who she punches according to the mood she's in. She can also be extremely spiteful with words as well.

My DS frequently comes home with big bruises and marks where she punched him. She wears rings for more impact.

They don't come here, only because we are rural and live outside the local very small town/community, but she does it in other people's houses, where they hang out. Her house is very small, so they never hang out there.

First of all I thought, it's just one of those things and 'play' fighting has gone far too far with her, but it's not the case and it's actually a frequent thing and tbh I'm beginning to get really pissed off with her.

My DS and his friends NEVER hit her, and don't want to hit her (quite rightly). They know what the consequences would be if they did, being male, and also because they are nice ordinary lads who just want to hang out and enjoy themselves. They don't want or need any friction.

Essentially she is getting away with murder, because if this was the other way round, they would be in serious trouble, but she is getting away with doing a lot of damage (also mentally), totally scott free.

They can't seem to get rid of her long-term, but they have short-term when she really hurt someone badly by punching his spine and kicking him in the testicles.

I think it's because she's been embedded in the group for a long time (all through school), and asking her to leave indefinitely might not be an option for some of them, also becuase it's a very small town and community.

Reading this back, it sounds absolute madness but it is a genuine. She's got a stocky build and she's got some power behind her punch, and that's not to mention the poison she can spew out.

Let me add, if they hung-out here, we would definitely say something on the quiet to her along the lines of 'hey M, absolutely no punching etc or that will be the end of it etc.'

Also to give you a bit more info about her, she was excluded at school and was only allowed to go in for maths and english lessons and then exams.

I know my DS won't leave the group because he is such good friends with the others, so that unfortunately is a complete no no.

Has anyone else had anything like this and what on earth did you do about it?

My niece had a friend like that (she was 13-14, friend was 12-13)
Since they were a year apart in school and didn't have any close mutual friends it was easier for niece to gradually start avoiding the girl, but that might be harder for your son because of the shared friend group.
Are the rest of the group in your son's school? Perhaps tell your son to talk to them, either at school or in a group chat, about the girl's behaviour.

if they were somewhat younger, i'd say its monkey love. But at 16 she knows well what she's doing. This is abuse and it is not normal. She needs serious help with behaviour or she can get into very much trouble.

@redheadnamedabigale
I'm glad circumstances helped your niece to keep well away from her.

People like her (bullies), can cause so much misery.

It's so hard to keep away from her, because it's such a tiny community/town. It's more like a village.

@JazbayGrapes
Yes, it really is abuse.
They're not small bruises either, they're very large. Plus her poison. It's actually quite sick. 'You should kill yourself etc.'

I think she knows (or at least thinks) she can get away with it, because she's female.

The last thing I want to do is embarress my DS, but I do think someone (me), needs to have a quiet word with her.

He would hate that of course.

Do it they are children.

Tell her straight you ever hit my son again I'll report you to the police for assault. Also tell her parents.

Couple of suggestions. Start documenting the aggression, both verbal and physical. Take photos and keep a diary. Can you contact the girl's parents and speak to them and say it needs to stop? Can you call a meeting with the other parents to discuss and come up with a plan? Can you speak to the local police and ask for advice and for one of them to have a word?

@HowIrresponsible
@cupcaske123

Thank you both.

You've given me such a good shove to do something about this.

All my procrastinating, just means she's getting away with it more and more, because no one (adults) ever say or do anything.

There are some ‘children’ for whom we almost need to ask how bad does it have to get before some serious intervention happens?
Being excluded doesn’t seem to have helped her to modify her behaviour

I am with the PP who say document what your son has told you / dates you can recall but absolutely if she hurts your DS you go to the police. There is better understanding of violence by women towards men - it’s assault and premeditated with the rings she wears.

If her behaviour is not dealt with she becomes the DV lead, the parent who mistreats their own child etc etc
No doubt the young men involved will be resistant to this - but if it was the other way round no one would question the action required

@Restinggoddess
You raise some very good points.

I hadn't even thought about the consequences, if this isn't stopped, and how it could potentially esculate really badly, because she's never had to answer for her behaviour.

...and yes, if it was the other way round, the boys would be in serious trouble.

A bit younger, but my DD has a friend with ‘anger issues’ which were revealed gradually within the friendship group of five girls in the first year of secondary.

DD had commented variously that this friend sometimes struggled with rages, eg punching a wall at breaktimes and shoving people a bit, as well as moods (silent treatment) – the other friends learned to just give her some space. However, things came to a head at the end of Y7 when this girl shoved another friend roughly against a car, causing quite bad bruising, and then attempted to strangle another friend, frightening her quite badly.

These incidents happened in school and were reported (all the girls were interviewed) and the girl is now receiving support, but it emerged that all the rest of the friendship group (though not my DD, weirdly) had received some physical attacks from this girl through that first year of secondary school. Things like punched arms, pinches mostly – nothing quite as bad as your DS’s friend is doing. The girl was not diagnosed at the time (and may still not be) but I know her family slightly, and she and they believe that there is some neurodiversity.

We have encouraged DD be vigilant and to report any sign of physical violence if she sees/receives anything. We are supportive of their friendship and do empathise with this girl as she clearly struggles with her emotions, but we have drummed into DD not to tolerate any sort of physical aggression in the name of ‘friendship.’ They have spent less time together this year as they are in different teaching groups, but that will change again for Y9 so we remain vigilant. I recognise it’s easier for us as they are younger and rarely socialise outside school at the moment.

I don’t think you should speak to this girl but would suggest that your DS speaks to the others in the social group and they agree amongst each other what they are going to do if their friend is aggressive to any of them again. Perhaps the best approach is to lay down the rules first (“Throw any sort of punch and we report it to the school and the police”) but they all need to recognise that it is abuse which must never recur. If it does, they must immediately unite to report it, make her leave the group that moment, ignore pleas (at least for a time) etc – just adopt zero tolerance.

I suspect that’s easier said than done, especially as they have all allowed this behaviour up to now, but from now on they can decide that she only interacts with them if she keeps her hands to herself.

I know it's a bit difficult for that age group could you as parents support a meet at one of your homes and get the lads to tell her she either stops the physical violence or can't hang out anymore?
Like a cheesy intervention but supported by adults in case it kicks off. Done kindly as they must still like her, but just straightforward we are over the violence.

Honestly this is crazy! The talk of her wearing rings to cause more damage is shocking, by the sounds of it, this girl is borderline sadistic. I agree with most of the above you need to document everything.
Personally, I don't think saying anything to the girl would do anything but harm. Mainly because a person with no respect for their friends probably has less respect for adults and just wouldn't listen. If it gets worse or your son continues to complain about it, encourage him to make a police report.

She sounds awful, female on male violence is still bad, hope your son wasn’t kicked in testicles.