advice needed re teenager

[nicpic71]

HI I dont often post on here but just needed some advice. we were away at weekend leaving son behind. He was told not to have a party and of course ended up having one. SOme kids he didnt know turned up part of a wider group. I woke up to a text from my neighbour saying that they had pelted apples at the wall of her house and chucked bottles into her garden. MY son denies all knowledge of this and admits he was really drunk and it all got out of hand. I had phoned him earlier at 10 and asked them to leave but to no avail.
The first thing we said when we gortback was that he needs to go round to next door and apologise and have laid out the consequences if he doesnt. He point blank refuses and does not appear sorry at all. IN fact he has called me boring and over the top for telling him to apologise. My question is what would you do?
The consequences are that we have said that we will stop paying for his phone and i have taken his provisional licence as i dont think he is reponsible enough to drive yet.
Am I being over the top?

No, the least he should do is say sorry. God I hated the teenage years, my youngest is 21 now, thank God😉

Not OTT, I def wouldn’t be taking him for any driving lessons soon!
I’d perhaps think of something, so for every day he doesn’t go round and apologise it adds up…. Could be extra chores, removal of pocket money, days until licence is given back…. Something to give him a push to go apologise right now basically!

Ps - mine also had a party once, and was also attitudey after! He’s now an amazing 20 yr old who today has cleaned the house top to bottom!

This. He needs to apologise to your neighbours and take responsibility for his actions. I'd be telling him it's all part of growing up.

thats encouraging! He is 17 so I was hoping he would start to grow up a bit. He works so doesnt get pocket money and actually owes us money for a festival, he couldnt pay it all back as he ahd to buy some trainers for 250 pounds. I just feel so distant from him at the moment,

had

Has he said sorry to you? This behaviour might be bravado or does he genuinely not give a shit?

Id probably leave it to the end of the week when the wind has settled a bit and have another chat about people being in your private home, having access to your private things, possibly going in your bedroom, stealing stuff, damaging stuff ect and that the trust has gone. I’d be saying this in a none accusatory tone as if your just sad about the situation

Id probably have taken the phone off him if I’d paid for it. But you have to be careful to not be adding more and more punishments on as it was create issues on top of issues.

Regarding the neighbour- he does need to make amends in some kind of way - I’d leave it to the end of the week and raise it again. Maybe he could clear her garden, wash her car something that shows he knows he did wrong.

Taking his phone and his license seem fair untill he is ready to really appreciate what he did and apologise properly

My dd1 was pretty wild between 17-19 😫

She did a lot worse than that and is now living in Dubai loving life as a high flyer at 28. Thr do grow up eventually but you do have to be firm but fair

Yes it’s true, they do change back again, honest, stick to your guns though, try not to loose it with him, he probably hoping you will back down

I'd invite the neighbours round for tea and corner him.

I wouldn't leave him alone in the house again, appreciate this is not much fun for you but he can't be trusted.

You can't make him apologise - and if you do it will just be performative so pointless. You can make him repay you all the money he owes and pay you some extra to buy the neighbour a bunch of flowers. You can remove privileges in your home (as you have with the licence).

You can go to the neighbour and say you are sorry this happened and you are taking steps to ensure it can't happen again by not leaving him alone again for the time being.