seeking advice on how to handle teenager daughter

[appdk]

Hey everyone,
I'm reaching out to this amazing community for some advice and support. I’m dealing with a tough situation at home and could use some guidance. Here's what's going on:
My daughter is 15 years old and, unfortunately, my husband and I have very different approaches to parenting. He believes in giving her complete freedom, which means:

• She doesn’t do any household chores.
• We can’t question her about her shopping habits.

She has 24/7 access to the internet.

Recently, her behavior has become more concerning:

• She spends weekends out of the house, leaving early in the morning and returning around 10-11 PM.
• She sleeps until noon and doesn’t spend time with her baby brother (even for 10 min /day)
• She often complains, demands to shop, and sometimes even resorts to hitting her head against the wall when things don’t go her way.

Despite my efforts to talk to my husband about setting some boundaries and rules, he dismisses the idea and even insults me in front of her. This lack of discipline and structure is really taking a toll on me. I’m exhausted from taking care of our son and managing the household alone, and it feels like my daughter has no respect or emotional connection with me.
I’m looking for strategies or solutions to cope with this situation. How can I encourage my husband to see the importance of discipline? How can I connect better with my daughter and establish some healthy boundaries without causing more conflict?
Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

All other red flags aside, why is she expected to take care of her baby brother?

I mean not like taking care, but she does not spend time with brother

it’s natural at that age to be like this, and the more you push them and the more you “discipline” them the more they will turn against you and hate you.
if they’ve had this kind of freedom for a while, the least you can give them is notice that things are changing and they need to be back by dinner time and the WiFi is going off at 10pm. Don’t spring the conversation on them, don’t get bossy and authoritative. Make their bedroom a comfortable space they want to sleep in and sign them up for hobbies or groups to encourage them out of the house more often

Sleeping till noon is normal on weekends and in holidays.

Not wanting to spend time with younger siblings is also normal.

If she's doing a lot of other stuff that is unreasonable then you need to agree a policy with your husband, but I wouldn't be bothered about either of those two.

How old is the brother? If an actual baby why would a teenager be interested in him

Err, it is most definitely NOT normal for a teenager to bash their head against a wall at this age. It IS normal to do a basic amount of chores. It IS normal to restrict screen time at that age.

There has to be more to your relationship with your husband. What sort of things does he say to you?

If an NT teen hit their head against a wall because they didn't get their way. I would laugh at them. That's ridiculous

To unpick some of the things you mention:
The things I wouldn't stress about are:

• sleeping until midday as it is normal
• not having interat in younger siblings as, again it is normal

What isn't normal:

• 24/7 access to Internet
• Not allowing Q about shopping

What stands out is:

• the fact you and your husband can't agree on parenting styles. This is the key, she is probably playing you off agsint each other. You need to be on the same page otherwise you are wasting your time trying to set boundaries if he just undermines them. To me this is the key to all of this. You need to sit down with him and get agreement on how to parent your daughter

Your main problem is that yourself and husband are not a united front.
I think you need to work on him first then your daughter.
Her behaviour is dreadful, do you track her, have you any idea who she is with and where?
What is her school life like, is she complying at school?
I feel for you and the total lack of support from your husband, he clearly does not respect you.

he is 2+ yrs old...I am grown in different culture, I used to take care of my siblings, not like taking care like what parent would do, but to look after (I mean watch, eat , play with siblings), if mom would be busy in some work..We never had to hire babysitter..coming to present situation.....when I have some urgent work to finish bcos of deadlines, I had to hire a babysitter and then he takes my son to play,while my daughter watches Netflix in hall, this somehow was a bit difficult for me to accept....

There is a huge age gap between your kids and the teen isn’t there to help you. She can however do the odd task eg unload the dishwasher each day, tidy her room, make her own breakfast. Why do you need to keep tabs on her shopping? Is it her money? Does she have an allowance? She does need her own freedom and yes that means making shopping mistakes sometimes.

if you need more help with childcare that should be your husband

Your DH is a complete prick here.

He should NEVER undermine you in front of your DD.

You won't stand a cat in hells chance unless you and your DH are on the same page.

Time to sit your DH down and tell him, he risks creating a monster.

It's not her fault, she doesn't sound too bad to me at all, but you do not want a spoilt entitled brat that bangs her head against the wall when she doesn't get her own way.

Your DH will end up giving her lots of problems and she won't cope well in 'the real world' if HE carrys on like this.

I would be interested in the reason why your husband goes for such short-term and easy wins with your adolescent daughter.

Relationship therapy may help you both understand each other's perspective. If the relationship between you isn't in a good place, then it's easy for your DD to have an unconscious investment in being "the problem".

I would be extremely concerned that your daughter is being exploited. Where does all the money for her shopping come from ?
being out of the house goodness knows where til 11pm would be a major concern for me that she may be getting involved in gangs, county lines, risky behaviour. Fair enough if you know where she is and with whom but exploitation of teens is a huge issue especially if that is combined with large quantities of money you can't account for or new stuff that may have been shoplifted. I'm probably going to worst case scenario, unfortunately it's something I see at work all too regularly.
if my husband could not agree that this whole picture was of major concern I would leave and take her with me and that is not something I say lightly

I'd say this is very normal behaviour - I was very much the same at 15 and I turned out ok... I believe 🤷🏼‍♀️ it won't last forever but I understand why it's frustrating