Do you ever intervene with teenage 'mean girl' drama?

[Deliaskis]

I mean I know you're supposed to butt out and leave them to it once they're high school age, but this is the first time there's been any drama of this kind for DD (13, end of year 8), and she's been sobbing at bedtime for the past few nights worried about losing all her friends etc. I do think it will probably blow over and they're all tired and hormonal and ready for the break, but I don't know what to advise and it's horrible seeing it happen.

I don't know at what point you would let school know what's going on and try and support them in resolving it. I wouldn't say it's bullying at this point, but it has the potential to turn into it if it's prolonged.

She does have friends out of school etc and a couple of close school friends who are standing by her, but it's still all really upsetting her at the moment.

I do find the whole 'stay out of it' thing really hard at this age - they're still very young and for DD she's always really avoided drama of any kind so is really devastated to find herself a target. So I will stay out of it, but would love to understand at what point you move to gently giving a heads up to relevant adults at school that this is becoming an issue, without escalating the problem for the teen concerned.

Any thoughts or advice?

If my daughter came home crying every night of course I'd intervene. Read back your post. You are using words like "bullying" and "target". If there's something going on then let the school know. There's a difference between normal tiffs/ friction within friendships and bullying.

My advice would be respond to the scenario in front of you.

Do school need to know? Is my child at risk of harm? What can we, as a family, do to support?

If my daughter was that upset then yes I would. I think Yr 8+9 can be especially difficult for girls with changing friendship groups etc and there are frequent fall outs but if it's getting to this stage then I would gently step in. Exactly this sort of behaviour when I was at school lead to me developing anorexia which affected me for over 15 years.

This is what my mum would call “endoftermitis”. They are all shattered and ready for a break. Probably hormonal. And yr 8 is prime time for all the friendship stuff to wobble.

as long as you’re happy it fits in that category then the overwrought tears are normal (I’m there myself with my 12 year old). We fix it with ice cream and family time.

If you’re concerned there’s more then speak up to school before term ends.

I think it depends on the school. My DS’ school has a zero tolerance approach to bullying, and ime anytime I’ve raised a concern (Y7) it’s treated as such. There’s no such thing as a quiet word. This is good when there is a serious problem as it’s taken seriously. But not in this situation where a quiet word for teacher to keep an eye on things would be reassuring. I think it’s partly as they’re not wanting to get drawn into ongoing arguments so they stamp out anything that happens.

on the other hand, DD school (girls prep) loves a drama and are frequently involving themselves in disputes. Personally I think it’s because we have a useless but power hungry deputy head who everyone hates but sees these things as an opportunity to try to stamp her authority on kids she doesn’t like.

So in conclusion you need to be sure you know how the school would react if you do… there’s a risk that when poorly handled it can make things worse. I also think you have to tell them all or nothing, otherwise they have a tendency to jump to the wrong conclusion or it gives the chance for some of the more manipulative kids to shape a narrative in their favour, and again your DD can end up worse off than before.

If your dd is being targeted at school, the school should be made aware and address it. Age doesn’t come into it. My dd is 16. She has not been in the receiving end. However, she has told me about children, who have and I both times I made a call to the school to let them know about a situation. Issues between girls generally tend to die down after year 9.

I meant to add, if your dd is being sent shitty messages or included in group chats, where things turn ugly then also intervene if needed. A simple ‘this is x’s mum, can we all chill now please’ calms things down.

It depends on what it is.

But I'd def be talking to her to help her work out some diff ways to "solve the problem" and get through the next few weeks.

Gosh this has been very reassuring thank you. I think the notion that I should do nothing and leave them to it was bothering me - yes for sure when it's minor tiffs, but when she's this upset, it feels wrong.

I'm very grateful for your responses, especially so quickly at this early hour! I'm going to draft a note to her form tutor who she likes a lot and trusts and give him the heads up and ask for any thoughts/advice.

What advice have you given her on what she should do OP?
I have tried to stay out of things, in as much as I haven't said anything to school or other parents. But I have advised my DD not to spend too much time or energy on people who don't make her feel good. And if these girls are making her feel like that they are not her friends. I'd advise her to get involved in some new lunchtime activities or clubs if that's possible and probably leave the big WhatsApp groups etc.

Everything can be so over dramatic at this age and some situations can seem a lot bigger than what they actually are. But on the other hand, with SM and everything our kids have to deal with today, if it is bullying, it can be a whole lot worse as it doesn't just end at the school gates anymore. I would sit down and have a really good chat to her to get to the bottom of what is going on and if anything can be sorted out. If not then she needs to distance herself and stick to the other friends she has.
Girls are a different breed entirely if they are in a group and there always tends to be one singled out by the 'rimgleader'. I used to get it with my daughter and it would be the end of the world to her when it was her turn and I'd get "I can't go to school tomorrow and everyone hates me". Almost every week it would be a different girl in their group and over something trivial like one had a new "Blackberry' so was showing off, or one had the boyfriend they all had a crush on. They do move past it and find their feet and their real friends. My daughter is still best friends with 2 of hers and they are all mums themselves now.
Just keep a close eye to make sure it isn't anything more nasty going on. Good luck!

I don’t let my 13 year old have a phone because mean girl bullying is almost a right of passage at this age.

Earlier this year I had to intervene because my daughter was being the mean girl to my friends child. I went absolutely ballistic. A month later she was picked on at school. I hope it’s been the lesson she needed to be kind to others always.

If your child is coming home crying you need to speak to school about it and let them handle it. Bullying is a huge problem at this age.

I think it would help to know the situation that your DD is in and what she's experiencing. As different situations might yield different answers.
It also might give you a perspective from people who aren't emotionally involved in the situation.

Definitely talk to her Head of Year. I would also take her phone away in the evenings and spend time together. Phones make them behave in a way they simply wouldn't face-to-face, and she will just keep torturing herself by looking at messages/snapmaps/chats etc.

Just popped back to thank you all for your take helpful thoughts and insights. The main thing I had struggled with initially was as I'd said whether to intervene and let school know. After reading this I did, and I'm glad I did because he form tutor was very supportive and also very discreet. She was adamant she didn't want anything to 'happen' this week, as in didn't want an actual intervention at this point, but he had taken her aside and said he'd noticed she was having a difficult week and if she was ready for school to step in they would do. As it turns out, by Thursday afternoon it resolved itself. DD's close and supportive friends (they're a group of four) had seemed in their strength to show the 'wannabes' that it's ok not to pander to the queen be type when she is being utterly unreasonable and so queen bee ended up sort of semi apologising to DD in the end. It was a good outcome and it has really helped DD to learn a little more about this kind of thing - she came from a small primary and never had much to fathom in the social dynamic arena.

I'm really grateful though for your insights. I felt completely useless earlier in the week when I posted and you helped me to figure out which kind to walk so DD knew she had support of she needed it.

It’s really good to know the teacher noticed and things resolved themselves. The form teacher sounds great as do your dd’s friends.

Dd is having a friendship issue also. It's tricky when to let the school know. I had to over an issue earlier in the year with her group, who are also in her trutor group. It was resolved however we have also had another issue the end of the week, with a message from one girls in her group saying they no longer want to be 'best' friends with dd, and an issue at lunchtime.

Dd has been spending time with another group, and it might be that it's just a natural transition that was going to happen. But it has upset dd a lot.

My main concern is tutor groups are being changed and I don't want dd to be with a group who have decided this and then have no one else to talk to. The other group are not in her tutor group, and she doesn't have many lessons with them at all.