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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do I let DD1 miss school?

20 replies

Newyearnewbrain · 08/07/2024 21:33

Hello wise bunch. I haven't posted for ages but am totally stuck.

DD1 13 has always been quite intense. She would say she has school anxiety and going in every day is a massive effort. She does though and is doing well.

She has a sports day and two Discovery Days (essentially a walk and a day of art) coming up and is desperate to get out of them, saying she hates sport, hates everyone looking at her, is worried about making social faux pas, that sort of thing.

For context, her dad, my DH is ill in hospital with cancer and I can't decide whether to say sod it don't do any of these three events or do one or make her do all of them.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with everything that's going on and supporting her and DD2 (11) and find making a decision around this so hard. I don't want her to avoid doing things she doesn't enjoy, but equally adding to her stress seems wrong.

I'm completely fried.

OP posts:
melchim · 08/07/2024 21:44

Is she distressed about it or just complaining? I think in this instance I'd say give her a break, because of your DH being unwell.

I'd have her choose one that she'll attend and skip the other two.

Make it clear this is not always going to happen though.

Original poster
Newyearnewbrain · 08/07/2024 21:56

Thanks, it will generally escalate the nearer we get to it. This usually results in sleepless nights.

It sounds stupid, I worry what the school will say about her attendance - even though they're not teaching days. I'm be probably built this up as a bit of anxiety in my own head.

OP posts:
Poppycatgrrrl · 09/07/2024 06:42

I agree with Melchim. It seems reasonable to agree a compromise if she can commit to that. Does she have friends doing the days too? Is there an opt out option where she could do some catch up or homework at school perhaps? Sounds like you all have a lot on though and perhaps this is a time to pick your battles. Hope it goes without to much extra stress.

bergamotorange · 09/07/2024 06:58

Her father is ill in hospital with cancer? Yes I'd allow her to miss these days. Many adults would take compassionate leave from work in her situation.

But say to her it is because of the situation and the fact the days are not vital.

I would not lie to school, I'd explain she needs a break for her health.

bergamotorange · 09/07/2024 07:00

Newyearnewbrain · 08/07/2024 21:56

Thanks, it will generally escalate the nearer we get to it. This usually results in sleepless nights.

It sounds stupid, I worry what the school will say about her attendance - even though they're not teaching days. I'm be probably built this up as a bit of anxiety in my own head.

School probably will say something, but sometimes the correct answer to school is 'My child's needs matter more than your statistics'.

MultiplaLight · 09/07/2024 07:02

Give her a break. Compromise on 2 out of 3 if you want to. But don't over think it.

Spacecrispsnack · 09/07/2024 07:02

I would let her choose which one she wants to miss the most and allow that one.

cansu · 09/07/2024 07:15

It is completely understandable for her to not want to go to school. It could also be the start of more entrenched school avoidance. Often once kids start to be off with anxiety it snowballs and they refuse more often. Only you know if this is likely to become an issue. I would be tempted to instead ask pastoral support to check in on her on these days and send her in.

GoodVibesHere · 09/07/2024 07:16

Give her the days off. She sounds like a good kid! She's doing well to go to school everyday despite her anxiety bless her heart. Whilst it is good to teach resiliance, forcing her go to these events will do her more harm than good.

BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne · 09/07/2024 07:19

Let her out, you both have enough on your plate.

Singleandproud · 09/07/2024 07:20

Does she have friends? In my experience may secondary school students view the event as an obligation but the unstructured time during the rest of the day spent with friends is appreciated.

NoraLuka · 09/07/2024 07:28

I might make her go to just one of them, if there’s one that she dislikes less. You know her better than anyone, if you think time off would do her good it probably will.

My DD2 has needed pushing to go into school for the past year, I let her miss one trip and the odd day here and there but that’s it. I’m not sure if that was the right approach, I spend ages worrying about whether I’m too strict or not strict enough. I don’t think there is a black and white correct answer, all you can do is what seems best at the time.

SD1978 · 09/07/2024 07:40

Sports day, I despise them, they have no purpose, and shouldn't be mandatory, the other two though, she wouldn't be 'on show' by the sounds of it? I'd absolutely let her miss the sports day.

mumzof4x · 09/07/2024 07:42

Yes I would cut her some slack and let her stay off . You sound like such a lovely mum btw.

user1492757084 · 09/07/2024 08:07

The only way your child will cope okay with ordinary day to day tasks and responsibilities of independent life will be if she knows rules apply to her. She is the same as all of her classmates; no more special.
Give her the day off if she has to sit at her father's death bed or attend his funeral (genuine reasons) otherwise have her experience slight stress of being like all the other kids.
The more she participates the less stressed about being a normal teenager she will be.
Being with her peers on a school day is normal (even if they are all a little bored) . Why would you want your child to appear different?

Original poster
Newyearnewbrain · 09/07/2024 11:20

user1492757084 · 09/07/2024 08:07

The only way your child will cope okay with ordinary day to day tasks and responsibilities of independent life will be if she knows rules apply to her. She is the same as all of her classmates; no more special.
Give her the day off if she has to sit at her father's death bed or attend his funeral (genuine reasons) otherwise have her experience slight stress of being like all the other kids.
The more she participates the less stressed about being a normal teenager she will be.
Being with her peers on a school day is normal (even if they are all a little bored) . Why would you want your child to appear different?

Edited

"Give her the day off if she has to sit at her father's death bed"

It's a view I suppose.

OP posts:
coldsummer1312 · 09/07/2024 11:23

user1492757084 · 09/07/2024 08:07

The only way your child will cope okay with ordinary day to day tasks and responsibilities of independent life will be if she knows rules apply to her. She is the same as all of her classmates; no more special.
Give her the day off if she has to sit at her father's death bed or attend his funeral (genuine reasons) otherwise have her experience slight stress of being like all the other kids.
The more she participates the less stressed about being a normal teenager she will be.
Being with her peers on a school day is normal (even if they are all a little bored) . Why would you want your child to appear different?

Edited

I don't interpret the problem as the girl risking to be "bored" of "ordinary" things. We are talking about something that triggers anxiety within tricky family circumstances, not something that you have to just toughen up and endure for the sake of it.

Or did I misunderstand?

Miffylou · 09/07/2024 11:33

As a non-sporty person I sympathise with the sports day feelings, but discovery days are different. Does she not have friends she will be able to be with? Such days are joint experiences that act like team-building. If she misses them she'll be excluding herself from the "group" both on the day and in the discussions and memories afterwards.

Because of her dad's illness and the obvious family tension I would let her skip one of them this time. Let her choose which one she dreads most. But make it clear this is a one-off: the only way she will learn to feel less dread about such things is by making herself do them and realising they weren’t so bad after all. Be aware though that unless you lie and say she is ill (unlikely to be believed more than once), the school will count it as "unauthorised absence".

NoraLuka · 09/07/2024 11:46

Just want to add that if she has any level of social anxiety, unstructured social time might be a source of stress for her - don’t know how the discovery days are planned but maybe she prefers to follow a set timetable and worries if she doesn’t know how the day will pan out, who she’ll be sitting with, etc?

Original poster
Newyearnewbrain · 09/07/2024 15:09

NoraLuka · 09/07/2024 11:46

Just want to add that if she has any level of social anxiety, unstructured social time might be a source of stress for her - don’t know how the discovery days are planned but maybe she prefers to follow a set timetable and worries if she doesn’t know how the day will pan out, who she’ll be sitting with, etc?

Very much this!

OP posts:
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