At a loss to manage daughters emotions

[Justme50]

My 12 year old daughter has gone from being happy go lucky to an anxious, teary, sad and emotional girl with very little confidence or self esteem and nothing I do seems to help. I try cuddles, open chats, reassurance that this is all part of life and trying to get her to meet friends or go places but nothing seems to work. It's now the school holidays and I work full time mostly from home and I am at my wits end as to how we will both get through these next 7 weeks. Sometimes I feel she is putting the tears on and putting the stutter on if I ask her to do something that isn't just sitting editing on her phone and as I am going through perimenopause at the minute just feel like I am getting it all wrong. Any suggestions on what could help? Thanks

Was it a sudden / almost overnight change? This happened to my niece and many years later it transpired that something awful had happened to her, causing ptsd. The truth only emerged after 2 years of therapy.

It may very well be an impact of puberty - one of my sons was very very tearful and wishing to be dead . It coincided with peri for me and lockdown . All I can advise is to give her plenty of time to get it all out - to cry and rant . We walked miles on our daily walk in the countryside and nobody could hear him let it all out . Being outside helped . As well as the reassurances that life isn’t easy and it’s ok to feel overwhelmed . It did pass and he’s fine now - nearly 16 and a very level headed calm young man who I’d trust with my life .

It's been a gradual thing. My gut feeling is it's been a bit of trauma as my eldest daughter ended up in hospital last year for 2 months and then needed emergency ileostomy and this was all when my 12 yo was starting secondary school. Have taken her to doctor who suggested talking therapy but she said no, she just wanted to keep talking to me.
Thanks for replying

Does she have a smartphone?

Actually DS also has a stutter - it varies but there are peaks which coincide with growth spurts

She does, she uses it to make edits of favourite songs,singers etc which is great but I don't want this to be her whole summer when I am working as I know it's not healthy

Sometimes I feel she is putting the tears on and putting the stutter on if I ask her to do something that isn't just sitting editing on her phone

The analogy of the stress bucket can be quite useful. For her it’s full and even a tiny thing can tip it over the edge and cause it to overflow with a reaction that’s more extreme than the situation warrants. She needs to find healthy ways to release her stress / emotional reservoir.

100 % agree with you and I think this is why I am struggling as this is the kind of thing I do in my work for other people but can't seem to get through to help D. All my suggestions just seem to make her feel worse and she just keeps crying and saying she is sorry and she doesn't know what is wrong. I repeatedly try to reassure her and there's no need to be sorry but seems to make it worse. Tried to get her to see what she can control and what she can't but didn't help. Going to try and get her to list some things today that make her happy. I guess for me it's like I am failing as a mum as I can't make her happy the way I used to.

It may not be “all part of life” and puberty. She may genuinely have depression. I would get her to a therapist as soon as you can. Why did she refuse talking therapy before, how long ago was this? Have you been encouraging her to reconsider? Would it help if you were in the therapy with her until she is comfortable?

Surely she’s just flooded with hormones? There’s no answer for this, they just feel sad for “no reason”.

Her editing hobby sounds good. Maybe she needs a morning routine then you let her edit away.

You really need to look after yourself through this too. Find the time to do things that make you happy and relieve some of the pressure from your relationship with your daughter.

OP,
You and your DD should have a look at this. She is saying something is wrong, listen to her. It has a helpline for teens.
https://teenagehelpline.org.uk/depression/

If you have some of the following symptoms, you may be suffering with depression.
Psychological Symptoms:

1. Continuous low mood or sadness, or the feeling of hopelessness or helplessness.
2. Having low self-esteem, feeling tearful or feeling irritable with others, and avoiding social interactions with friends.
3. Losing motivation to do things and finding it hard to make decisions.

Physical Symptoms:

1. Finding yourself moving and speaking slower than usual.
2. Your appetite has changed, you are gaining and losing weight quicker than usual, feeling general aches and pains, or changes to how you sleep.

You can also look for these symptoms in people you know, so that you can be there for them and point them towards services or resources that can help them.

It was only a few weeks ago, she said it just feels weird talking to someone who isn't me. It's just a roller coaster of emotion with her at the minute.

I found with my daughter that pushing too hard to talk or go out just made her shut down more, so I started backing off a bit and focusing on small ways to stay connected – things like watching a show together or doing something low-effort side by side, like parallel play!

That helped more than any big pep talk.

Something else that helped was luna. It’s an app for teen girls that covers things like confidence, anxiety, and friendships.

She liked having something that wasn’t coming directly from me, and it gave her a bit of space to process stuff at her own pace.

Also, don’t underestimate how much perimenopause can mess with your head at the same time (there's actually been some really interesting studies on how similar the experience is to puberty.)

You’re not getting it wrong, it's just a really tricky time, so be kind to yourself too!