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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Relocating with 15 year old

27 replies

Montannah · 05/07/2024 19:07

I am a single parent of a 15-year-old daughter. We are currently living in a small town in South Devon after making a move from our hometown of Birmingham four years ago.

I decided to make the move as I was struggling with personal issues and thought a fresh start for us both would be a good idea but now after being here for four years I am realising it was a big mistake as we do not have any family here, all of our family are in Birmingham, my daughter however has settled into school well and has lots of friends and loves it here whereas I absolutely hate it. I haven’t fit in to the way of life here everything is different and I am really depressed that I am here! I just want to move back to Birmingham and forget that this move ever happened ever since I have been here nothing but bad things have been happening to me.

My daughter is currently in year 10 going into year 11 in September I have found a beautiful house back in Birmingham and have spoke to my daughter about moving back and she gets really upset because she really doesn’t want to go home as she says that she doesn’t know anybody there anymore. I feel awful as a mother that I will be tearing her away from everything she knows as she loves the way of life here. I worry that she will have to change schools in year 11 and that she will hate me forever but I am so depressed here.

I just don’t know what to do whether to stay here for her sake and be miserable or to move back and make her unhappy. I feel like I am putting my happiness before hers but I really just can’t stand it here.

Any any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
stickthewellyin · 05/07/2024 19:08

Year 12 starting sixth form yes. Going into year 11 absolutely not.

dammit88 · 05/07/2024 19:08

I think it would be a very difficult time to move her an if possible would wait until she is 18 or so and perhaps planning to go to uni or able to move out herself.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 05/07/2024 19:11

She needs to see out her GCSEs. You cannot move her for Y11 - subjects offered at GCSE and exam boards are different between schools. You will be putting her at a real disadvantage.

If you do manage to find her a school that can offer her the exact subjects she is doing now (unlikely) I can guarantee they will have structured the curriculum differently so she will be repeating stuff she's already been taught and missing things they learned in Y10.

Please don't do it.

ThirdSpaceFan1 · 05/07/2024 19:19

Please don’t move her in Y11. You’ll screw everything up for her

is there any chance you’re idealising your old life? You left for a reason
What kinds of things have you tried to establish yourself in your community.

Invisimamma · 05/07/2024 19:22

Imo you are being quite selfish here and putting your own needs before your dd. I think you need to wait it out a couple of years until she has finished school before you think about moving again. It's such a crucial point for her and I can understand why she doesn't want to move and start over again.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/07/2024 19:25

Moving her going into Y11 is a terrible idea for her timing wise. The impact on her long term could be massive.

I really think you need to stick it out at least until next summer

keylimedog · 05/07/2024 19:27

I think at 15 I would also be upset if my mum had just moved me somewhere random four years previously on a whim, then decided it wasn't working for her and she wanted to move back 🤷

As PP have said you will probably mess up the GCSE phase for her if you move her between years 10-11. But also it will be hard to make lasting friendships I think if you move her at college age too, she's settled and made friends where you are now, that gets harder the older you are when you move!

DaytripperShoes · 05/07/2024 19:28

I am surprised any parent would even consider this - once they are Y9 you are pinned in place until they have done their GCSEs. You could move back for 6th form/ college and a big city could be more exciting for a teenager - but suspect she won't thank you for it in the short term, if she is otherwise expecting to move up with her friends.

You need a good reason to disrupt her life to this extent.

plysa · 05/07/2024 19:29

I don't think you should move this year. Let her complete Yr 11 where you are and consider moving next summer. Better yet wait until she finishes school before moving.

TheCookieCrumblesThisWay · 05/07/2024 19:30

Don’t do this to her.

SnapdragonToadflax · 05/07/2024 19:32

You cannot move her at this age. Wait until she goes to uni.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 05/07/2024 19:33

You need to suck it up for one more year so she can complete her GCSEs and attend events like prom

Year 12 is a much better time to move schools.

ShaunaSadeki · 05/07/2024 19:35

You can’t move while she is in the middle of her GCSEs, you need to wait until the end of year 11 at the very least.

ShillyShallySherbet · 05/07/2024 19:35

I agree with others, can you look at ways to make living where you are more bearable? Can you share on here what you dislike about living where you are and what would make it better?

Original poster
Montannah · 05/07/2024 20:00

ShillyShallySherbet · 05/07/2024 19:35

I agree with others, can you look at ways to make living where you are more bearable? Can you share on here what you dislike about living where you are and what would make it better?

I have made some friends but I just don’t fit in here they don’t really like outsiders I have joined fitness classes tried different jobs and I still can’t bear it. My daughter has slotted in nicely as she started in year 7. I will likely stay till she finishes school. She has her dad in Birmingham she didn’t see him when we moved but he has started being more involved in her life over the past 4 years since we have been here she also has both sides of the family up there I think long term we both need to be around family it’s just hard cause I’ve completey messed up her life moving her around.

OP posts:
MysteryofNils · 05/07/2024 20:02

But you haven't messed it up. She is happy in Devon. You'll mess it up if you move her now.

LIZS · 05/07/2024 20:06

You can't move her for another year, don't mess up her gcses. Sixth form/College places are easier to organise from another area.

Pantaloons99 · 05/07/2024 20:18

I actually think you need a bit more support and understanding here. I agree with trying to find some middle ground.

Is life really going to be better back in Bham? How often will you see family. Or is it more the fact it's familiar, a big city so much more diversity and less insular? Small rural places can be very difficult if you're a single adult.

At least stay until the end of GCSEs. Then maybe review it as GCSEs year is coming to an end. I don't know if it's an option for your daughter to stay there at 16. I imagine that's a bit much and could be difficult.

I believe you have to do what's best for you tbh. If I was telling this to my counsellor,one I really trust, I know she'd encourage me to do what is best for me. My only hesitance is how sure you are that you will feel happier there. You left and moved quite far away so are you going to feel that way again?

Truetoself · 05/07/2024 20:29

@Montannah do you really think you will be happier back in Birmingham? You left there as you were not happy.

I think you work on yourself. Counselling may help. You can't move your daughter now but if you are still desperately unhappy when it comes to sixth form, you can revisit the move.

Comedycook · 05/07/2024 20:32

Sorry but I really think you need to let her finish her GCSEs. One school year will fly by...they finish their exams round about June...

Original poster
Montannah · 05/07/2024 20:33

Pantaloons99 · 05/07/2024 20:18

I actually think you need a bit more support and understanding here. I agree with trying to find some middle ground.

Is life really going to be better back in Bham? How often will you see family. Or is it more the fact it's familiar, a big city so much more diversity and less insular? Small rural places can be very difficult if you're a single adult.

At least stay until the end of GCSEs. Then maybe review it as GCSEs year is coming to an end. I don't know if it's an option for your daughter to stay there at 16. I imagine that's a bit much and could be difficult.

I believe you have to do what's best for you tbh. If I was telling this to my counsellor,one I really trust, I know she'd encourage me to do what is best for me. My only hesitance is how sure you are that you will feel happier there. You left and moved quite far away so are you going to feel that way again?

Thank you this really helped I suffer with borderline personality disorder and tend to make decisions out of the blue at the time which moving here was one of them, i had a relationship breakdown and chose to run away from the problems instead of work through them. I have been unhappy here ever since so moving back has been in my mind for a long time now so I know it’s not a decision that I am making out the blue again I just can’t help but feel awful on my daughter and don’t want her to decide to stay here on here own when she’s old enough as she will have no family at all here.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 05/07/2024 20:34

You cannot move her in the middle of GCSE's, that would be an appalling decision and would significantly disadvantage her.

Pantaloons99 · 05/07/2024 20:40

I know it's very contentious but a huge proportion of women diagnosed as BPD actually have something else going on. This diagnosis seems to make no sense. A large proportion of women told they have BPD are later discovering that they are actually Neurodivergent ( Autistic and/or ADHD). Im digressing here sorry OP.

Another poster suggested looking at counselling. It might be something you find really helpful. You'd be better off paying and finding a female counsellor privately. I would talk this type of big decision through with them in your shoes. It's a really big move and I think you need to be really sure as to why this move outweighs staying.

I can see why life would be more comfortable for you being in Bham. There's something about being an outsider in small rural areas that makes you always feel an outsider. If you like having more choice and the familiarity of family,Bham makes sense. It's alot to sacrifice your well being fit your daughter tbh. How many dad's would be expected to stay indefinitely?

converseandjeans · 06/07/2024 09:37

Agree you can't move a student half way through GCSE unless you have to. Ideally stay until end of A levels.

I don't think going back to Birmingham will solve all your problems. You left for a reason.

Turquoisesea · 06/07/2024 09:48

I have a DD16 that’s just finished her GCSEs. You cannot move now, like others have said, she might not be able to even do her option choices at another school and the exam board may be different. Also with the stress of GCSEs she doesn’t need the added stress of being in a new school with no friends and feeling isolated. If you are thinking of moving back don’t do it until after year 11 or maybe wait until she’s 18 then she might be off to uni or college and it will be less of an upheaval to move.

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