Sorry, a bit long!
Dd is 14, end of yr 9. Always quirky and since puberty (yr7) has been very anxious. Is very kind but very rigid in her thinking, socially anxious etc. has friends but struggles to keep close friends and is often a bit left out. One reason for this is despite being very caring and loyal to a fault, she is incredibly linear and struggles to flex/compromise.
I do potentially suspect some nd but gp/school aren't bothered. She does very well at school, is not bullied or actively unpopular, is top set and contributes a lot so whilst they have offered her anxiety sessions with the school nurse 'if we really have to' that's it.
Huge blow up with a friend yesterday (dd2 is in same friendship group so I got a lot about this!). Argument about politics descended into shouting and name calling on both sides. Friend has had an awful, traumatic time this year (lost a parent) and got very very upset apparently because of the shouting rather than the content of the argument.
Dd definitely didn't mean to upset her but then also didn't check in to make sure she was ok and in fact ignored her.
I spoke to her last night about learning to back off on sensitive arguments and that even if she was cross with her friend and didn't get why she was so upset, that doesn't mean she should not try to be considerate.
Dd got upset and said I was 'blaming' her because I called her on what I viewed as not great behaviour. My view is if she wants to retain her friendships i need to help her manage a bit better. I didn't tell her off, I spoke to her rationally and calmly and with affection and cuddles. Because this is an area she finds hard.
DH thought I shouldnt have said anything (and I wouldn't with dd2 because she can manage these things herself). The only reason I did here is because dd is pushing her friends away which is exactly what I don't want for her and she doesn't want.
Was I wrong/how should i have helped?
I am a bit worried about setting her up properly to be happy in the future and I have finally got her to agree to engage in a bit of external support after the summer holidays. Am I doing it wrong now?