My son has lost all his friends

[ThePandoricaOpens]

My son is 13, in year 8 and is neurodiverse. He really struggled to make friends at primary school, he didn't really understand how to, and would come home crying that he wanted a best friend.
He started secondary in September 2022 and was so anxious about it, he was having panic attacks about it at the start of year 6, so we were really worried he wouldn't be able to make friends. The first few weeks were quite difficult for him, but amazingly he made loads of friends on the bus! So all through Yr7 we had a constant stream of kids in the house - it was brilliant! The only problem is that he would get completely attached to one person, talk about them all the time, they'd be at our house for weeks on end, then he would stop talking about them and we would never see them again. Onto year 8 and all his male friends seemed to disappear, he's not really into things that a lot of boys like, such as football and sport in general, so all his friends were girls. He came home upset a couple of weeks ago as one of his friends was telling everyone that he's autistic (he's not very open about it) and she was also talking behind his back. He tried to talk to her about it (he's quite grown up) but she was very rude and unkind to him. He lost a few more friends due to them siding with her. So now he has one friend and I'm so worried that she'll be swayed to join the other girls and ignore him. He's now saying he doesn't want to go to school and that he just doesn't fit in anywhere. I know this happens with friendships at this age, but he's so sensitive and doesn't really understand and I'm unsure of what I can do to help?

His single person obsession sounds quite suffocating

Is he following social etiquette himself?
Can he explain the causes of his friendship breakdowns?
Would social stories help him navigate this time?

That's going to be the problem with mostly being pals with girls at this age, their relationship behaviour is complex and hard to understand from an autistic perspective. I hated being a teenage girl, I didn't understand anyone's behaviour at all (Dx'd ASD at 42). Does he have any hobbies/interests that he could go to groups or classes for, where he might find kids who he'd enjoy hanging out with? I think a lot of kids feel socially isolated at this age and like their primary school friendships are over but new ones not yet made, but it's a lot harder from a ND perspective. I'm sorry he's having a hard time x

Can’t help but DS is going through similar in year 7. SEN ASD. He’s more comfortable 1-2-1 as he can’t keep up with the flow of conversation even in a small group. He’s very sensitive and doesn’t understand banter (although I don’t class some of the issues he’s experienced as banter). However, part of me wonders if that’s such a bad thing. He’s got great instincts and some of the boys he was friends with initially have turned out to not be very nice kids so he values friendships with nice people. Sadly, there aren’t enough of them out there (I say this as an adult too). In fact he old me that he’s rather 1 good friend than lots of fake friends.

That said, he is missing out on parties and socialising. He does two clubs outside of school and over the summer we’re going to engineer some get togethers with boys from these clubs to help him develop his social skills. It’s hard, and heartbreaking to think of your child in that situation. Try and find activities outside of school and throw everything into them. School isn’t life and is just a means to an end so focus on the things he loves doing in his free time.

I'm unsure of what I can do to help?

The most important thing, for me, was that I needed to told it was ok to be alone, to not have the same friendships etc that others do. I know that isn't at all what you are asking and of course you want to support your DS in managing friendships but in the short term I think it is always helpful to hear 'it's ok'

My DGS has this problem he is disabled and neurodivergent. The other kids are frightened of him. He thought he'd found a friend in a girl the same age but she let him down and was awful to him. He is terribly lonely. His DP has enrolled him into quite a few clubs but, although the instructors include him, he still has no friends. It's terribly sad 😞

@Seaside1234 Thank you x He loves music, baking, cooking and 'organising' things, but is really against joining any clubs as he finds it really stressful being around new people. I had a really hard time at school with girls being spiteful to me, which makes me feel worse for him!

@Karatema I'm so sorry to hear this, that is really sad. It's such a worry x

@Nevergoodenoughforthem I'm really sorry to hear your DS is struggling too, it's just so stressful isn't it. I wish I could get him to join clubs, but he's so reluctant due to anxiety. He also refused to go on every school trip and residential since primary, so is missing out on building relationships like that. He finds being around lots of people quite exhausting too.

for you.

I'm hoping as he grows he finds a friend but telling a 12 year old that life will get better seems impossible to him. His DP go through periods they have to hide the knives because he says he hates his life. Breaks your 💔

I think firstly I would inform the school of the behaviour of the rude girl so that sort of shitty behaviour gets dealt with, her and anyone else who has sided with her, name names. This way school know to watch out for it in the future too and your son potentially has somewhere to turn to in school either SENDCo or pastoral.

Schools are often very supportive in helping with friendships. Are there any lunch time or after school clubs he can attend? No new people, just people he is hopefully already familiar with. Is there anything he likes to do online where he could connect to other people without the meet up?

Year 8 is a weird year anyway, the newness of year 7 has worn off, they aren't the newbies anymore and it is usually a coasting year academically too. Year 9 usually sees the start of option subjects so with setting for maths/English and science the usual form group is broken up too. It is completely shitty that your son has endured this culling of friendships, as I said school may be able to find a like-minded kid he can connect with.

Just checking in, 4.5lb down overall so far, not brilliant but it's the right direction. I know I haven't stuck to it brilliantly, I still find it hard. But I like the company on here and it does work when I make myself stick to it. Coming weeks are going to be tricky with two weekends and a whole week away from home. Plus birthday and special wedding anniversary (not mine) celebrations.

Wrong thread?

I'd have a chat to the school. What measures are they putting in place for kids who find friendships difficult? He won't be the only one. Are there clubs and groups, places he can go to during breaks and do stuff so he doesn't feel obviously 'alone'?

The problem with it all being focused on this one remaining girl is that this is quite a tough position for her to be in, if your DS is depending on her a lot. The friendship is more likely to survive if they both have space within it.

With the holidays starting in a few weeks time, hopefully that will give your DS a reprieve from school and I'd focus for now on thinking about clubs/workshops/camps and other activities your DS could get involved with during the holidays to build up his confidence and hopefully make a few like-minded friends.

@ThePandoricaOpens have school noticed his struggles at all? Have they been helpful?

My DD is speaking to the school counsellor for the first time today. Not sure it will help but the offer a well being service so thought it was worth a discussion. That said, DS wasn’t keen.

Are there any hobbies your DS enjoys even if they aren’t part of a club? Something he can get excited about.

Anxiety at that age is hard to deal with. We had some sessions with a local teens crisis service so helpful for my DD (also ND but health issues too). She’s like a different girl now and is starting to find her voice and trust in herself.

Just to add, girls can be awful to their friends. One minute they are the best of friends and calling each other Pookie, the next minute they've fallen out about the most ridiculous thing.

What are his interests? Are there clubs at school with boys that aren't into football etc? Computer club or maths club or collecting club or gaming club. Or just fund boys into these things rather than football etc