Friend’s Aggressive Teenager

[BruFord]

I had a call from a close friend today to say that yet again, her teenaged son 15, nearly 16) had sworn and shouted at her today when she asked him to tidy up his room and help her out with a couple of household chores as she has a bad back. She had back surgery a few years ago and genuinely can’t lift heavy boxes, for example, whereas he’s 6ft and sporty so it’s no problem for him. Plus the summer holidays have started here in the US so he had plenty of spare time.

This isn’t the first time that she’s ring me asking for advice on how to deal with his aggressive behavior and I don’t know what to say, tbh. Unfortunately, his Dad (her ex) is a nasty person whom I never liked even when they were together, and actively encourages his son to be rude. She says that he parrots phrases that her ex used to say, that she’s useless and a bad mother, etc. Unsurprisingly, her DD (20) has chosen to go NC with her father.

Sadly, I think her son is turning into a copy of his father and I honestly don’t know what to say to her as I’ve no experience of this type of behavior. How do you support someone in this situation? She’s also terrified that he’ll move to his father’s and be very hurt when his father shows his true colors. Despite claiming that she’s a bad mother, he wasn’t interested in 50:50 custody and misses his weekends when it suits him. He doesn’t really want to look after his son. 🙁

Sounds tough

I'd suggest pick your battles eg does it really matter if his bedroom is untidy? I'd probably let that go

I try to think about actions / consequences eg "I asked you to help with X, you didn't, so I had to pay someone to do it, therefore I don't have money for you to go out at the weekend"

Steer clear of "You're as bad as your father" or "Why can't you be more like your friend Bob?"

She controls the purse strings doesn't she?

No paying for any of his hobbies etc until he is respectful and cleans up after himself.

She does @CollyBobble. his Dad pays for his phone though so she has not control over that.

i think she’s terrified that if she’s tough with him, he’ll pack up and go to his Dad’s, and she’ll barely see him again.
The Dad openly badmouths her to their children and the son seems very influenced by him. Luckily her daughter (20) saw through his BS.

I feel sad for the mum and the son who has not only got a toxic example of bad behaviour from his dad but also been abandoned .
For safety I would advise she chooses her battles and doesn't butt heads with him . But I would also advise her to calmly tell her son that if he continues to use threatening behaviour she will inform the police .
Remaining calm while putting in boundaries .
And keep listening to your friend , reassuring her of her worth and what she's doing well . It's really tough but not uncommon x