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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Impossible 14 year old

8 replies

GreySnail · 01/07/2024 11:02

Is it even possible to parent teenagers?? My son flat refuses to do anything we ask of him. He won't do any homework whatsoever, won't help with anything around the house, even if offered money for certain tasks e.g. washing the car. He is awful to us and his brother, never has anything to say that isn't an insult. Punishments do nothing to help the situation, he just gets angry, says that we are horrible to him and behaves even worse. All he wants to do is lie on his bed watching tiktoks. He is making our lives hell and we are completely powerless to do anything about it. Should we give up trying and let him get on with it?

OP posts:
Irishmama100 · 01/07/2024 11:47

No def don’t give up!
He wouldn’t have a phone to watch anything on if he went on like that in my house. He would have an existence but not a great life until he learned a bit of manners. I recommend a round table talk. Let him explain what his issues are and you explain your requirements. At 14 they should be well capable of helping. Good luck

Original poster
GreySnail · 01/07/2024 13:40

Irishmama100 · 01/07/2024 11:47

No def don’t give up!
He wouldn’t have a phone to watch anything on if he went on like that in my house. He would have an existence but not a great life until he learned a bit of manners. I recommend a round table talk. Let him explain what his issues are and you explain your requirements. At 14 they should be well capable of helping. Good luck

Thanks, his phone has been confiscated for the last couple of weeks, but as I said, punishments do nothing to alter his behaviour unfortunately. We have tried to talk to him and have explained that he is expected to do x, y, z and in return he gets his phone and pocket money, but he refuses to accept it. His issue is that he doesn't want to do those things and doesn't see why he should have to. He would rather be miserable than do as he is told.

OP posts:
Irishmama100 · 01/07/2024 13:57

GreySnail · 01/07/2024 13:40

Thanks, his phone has been confiscated for the last couple of weeks, but as I said, punishments do nothing to alter his behaviour unfortunately. We have tried to talk to him and have explained that he is expected to do x, y, z and in return he gets his phone and pocket money, but he refuses to accept it. His issue is that he doesn't want to do those things and doesn't see why he should have to. He would rather be miserable than do as he is told.

Show quote history

Oh Christ that is bad!
Have you taken everything- IPad, x box everything???
Not allowed out with friends. Have you stripped all privileges - even watching TV?

oapcarer · 01/07/2024 16:30

My 15 year old is the same. My daughter was at that age, too. I'm hoping he'll grow out of it as she did.

Like you, nothing particularly worked/works either

Popfan · 01/07/2024 16:39

I personally wouldn't be taking everything away from him. All you'll be doing is making him angry and miserable and resent you.

The key I think is to try to build and maintain a good relationship with him which then in turn may probably help with other things.

Non negotiable is going every day to school. You can also decide on any other non negotiables but pick the ones that are most important to you. If he doesn't do his homework that's up to him (I talk from experience, nagging and going on won't do any good and just leads to more rows).

I'd try hard to spend quality time with him... at the dinner table, taking him to activities often leads to good chats in the car, going for a McDonalds etc. Ask if anything is bothering him and so on.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences for bad behaviour but taking all the things away he likes won't help.

Original poster
GreySnail · 01/07/2024 19:45

Irishmama100 · 01/07/2024 13:57

Oh Christ that is bad!
Have you taken everything- IPad, x box everything???
Not allowed out with friends. Have you stripped all privileges - even watching TV?

Show quote history

He doesn't really socialise outside of school or watch TV. He still has his PC, but seeing as his phone and money are more important to him than it, I don't think it would change anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreySnail · 01/07/2024 20:02

Popfan · 01/07/2024 16:39

I personally wouldn't be taking everything away from him. All you'll be doing is making him angry and miserable and resent you.

The key I think is to try to build and maintain a good relationship with him which then in turn may probably help with other things.

Non negotiable is going every day to school. You can also decide on any other non negotiables but pick the ones that are most important to you. If he doesn't do his homework that's up to him (I talk from experience, nagging and going on won't do any good and just leads to more rows).

I'd try hard to spend quality time with him... at the dinner table, taking him to activities often leads to good chats in the car, going for a McDonalds etc. Ask if anything is bothering him and so on.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences for bad behaviour but taking all the things away he likes won't help.

Yes, taking things away is making things worse. I can't think of any other consequence to give him though!
Doing homework was the one non-negotiable thing (other than going to school) that I was trying to get from him, but maybe it's the wrong thing to go for. If he doesn't want to take school seriously, that's his decision, he knows how we feel about it.
We don't really do anything together, he doesn't want to spend time with either of us! A McDonalds may tempt him though

OP posts:
waterrat · 02/07/2024 00:02

I dont agree with endless punishment

In the end what you need is some sort if relationship with the teen that isn't just endless conflict

It's not their fault they are growing up with all this tech. Phones are just a basic way they all communicate....and endless anger isn't helpful for anyone

It's bloody hard op and some kids really don't respond to authoritianism.

Is he unhappy ? Could you try to defuse the situation and begin again with some negotiation rules?

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