Dd16 stealing cash

[Lemooon]

Dd16 has been stealing cash from us and I feel totally overwhelmed and don't know how to handle it. She is often very angry with me (I think in a normal teenage way) and I know she will 100% deny, and be hurt I could suspect her, even though it's true.

When we have money in notes I keep it all together in case of emergency (or a day out). Usually there's about £100 to £150. The cash was in an envelope , in a drawer in my bedroom. I noticed some money was missing, and then we realised that a couple of times we had half-woken up to DD by that drawer- she would say she was looking for something. Didn't connect it until afterwards.

I was gutted but had no clear proof and didn't want to risk our relationship without cast iron proof. I moved the money and hid it in a cupboard downstairs, with the amount clearly noted on the front of the (hidden) envelope, hoping this would be a deterrent.

A couple of days ago I found DD by this cupboard - could have been getting a pen. But when she stepped away there was a £5 note on the floor. I said what's this, and she said "it's fallen out of my phone case". Thought it was odd, but gave it to her.

Checked the cash -£45 missing. Think I must have disturbed her.

But still doesn't feel like enough proof.

I am so disappointed in her. Has been suggested I leave a note saying stop stealing with the cash? But feel I should deal with it more directly.

We don't have a lot and this money going missing has meant missing out on things for everyone.

If she's going out, I ask if she needs cash. I transfer her £20 a month (not loads but I can't afford more and she's planning on getting a job). I buy the things she needs, give lifts, give her food money.

I took an extra £10 out of DM's account when I was 15 and I still feel bad. My friend used to take cash from their parent on occasion. So I know it is within normal but I don't know where to go next with this.

Honestly I think you’ve got enough to safely know it is her that has been taking the money and I’d be having a proper sit down chat to discuss it- as well as asking what she needs the money for.

My brother has just had a very similar situation with my niece. She’s 15 and they have always had a glass jar in the kitchen cupboard which they put £20 a week into and then they use that cash for window cleaner/takeaways/unexpected costs, it’s basically just an extra savings pot for them. They hadn’t needed to use any cash from it for months and so when they had to pay a deposit for something last month they knew there would be enough to cover it (£100), except there wasn’t, the jar should have had around £250 and only had £80. He actually didn’t suspect my niece initially because he always gives her money whenever she goes out for cinema, food etc so it never occurred to him that she would take money, after all why would she need to when all she has to do is ask! He thought his cleaner might have been behind it so he topped the jar up with £50 and set up a ring camera in the kitchen. He checked it again a couple days later and another £40 was gone so checked the camera and sure enough it was my niece. When confronted it turned out she’s fallen into a bit of a difficult crowd of girls who all vape and drink alcohol, she’d be taking money from there for that because obviously she couldn’t ask her dad for cash for those things.

It’s not an easy conversation to have by any stretch but it is a necessary one, and there may be a reason she “needs” the cash that you need to be aware of.

My sd used to do this. From her mums as well as us.
We removed all money from the house, and locked my bag away when she stayed. I often found cash missing as did my husband and in the end she did admit to stealing money from us all.
Left me feeling very uneasy in the house when she was around and no amount of taking to her stopped it hence removing any we had.

The problem is we have other children. 1 doesn't ever go to shops. 1 has a big bank balance (saved legitimately) and doesn't spend anything. So I think DD will try to argue there is doubt.

It's obviously becoming a habit.

I would speak to her about it and importantly try to find out what she is using the money for.

Make sure you hide it properly from now on. This will also serve to break the habit.

Don't keep any cash in the house at all. And lock purses away etc. my sd mum got a safe in the end for her house

So what? It doesn't really matter that she is going to deny it to you. It matters that she knows you know it was her. I wouldn't push her to admit it, I'd just say it needs to stop

@Lemooon is she still at school? while the stealing is not good, to be honest 20 quid a month is not nearly enough for a girl of her age!! that is less than 5 pounds a week/ what is she mean to do with that?? even living in scotland where they get free bus travel, that is not enough.

She's 16. Why doesn't she have a part time job? I'd be inclined to stop her allowance until she can show she can be trusted not to steal from you.

Thank you - I have hidden it much more thoroughly now, and with a note attached. I hope that it seems like not real money and victimless to her. Because it's more hurtful otherwise.

That's good advice. I am going to speak to her next week, calmly, and say that she doesn't have to confess anything to me but that it needs to stop. She tidied up last night which was lovely - then I thought was she just looking for cash?

Yeah I agree she's stealing because she feels stressed and depressed having no financial freedom. How do you socialise with that? You basically can't.

I got £5 a week in 1995 and it wasn't really enough.

I agree it's not enough, but that's what there is. She is only just 16 and has finished GCSEs. She's had a rough time at points this year. We are away for a couple of weeks, then she will be applying for jobs. She often refuses to do the one chore she is asked to do (in rotation with siblings) as she doesn't feel like it or is going out. So it doesn't make me feel like increasing it! I give her and friends lifts when I can, pay for clubs and activities, offer her money when she is going out, often transfer her an extra £10 for food etc if she's out/ going to the cinema. So although it's £20 cash regularly, she has more than that. And she could ask if she needs cash. I don't always have it but if I can help I do.

She turned 16 during GCSEs, then we're away. So she will get a job when we're back.

We don't have much spare money, even though both parents are working - I give my kids what I can regularly and then more when there is more or they need it/ are going somewhere/ if they ask. More money is always helpful but not always an option. And I don't think it not being enough excuses the lies, that's what hurts. I am right here and often checking if money is needed. And when she asks I usually find some somewhere.

It's stressful and humiliating to have to ask every time (I am not blaming you - I know money doesn't grow on trees but this is probably why she's doing it).

Thank you - I appreciate the difficulties it causes, but if there isn't much more to give and offers to earn more are rejected I can't do more. We live in a city centre so can walk to see friends easily. I give lifts when that's possible. I know it's crap not having spare money but it's not something I can solve easily. I don't know how to approach the stealing because I know she is stressed and finding things hard, and I don't want to upset her more (I know this is stupid). So after the weekend (family visiting and I don't want to make that horrible for her) I will speak to her. Whether or not she admits it, maybe she will tell me when she needs more money and we can talk about how she can manage that.

I agree, it's rubbish. But there are other siblings, so I can't just give 1 more and then say to the others I can't afford to increase yours too sorry. I need to address the issue and say I know asking is rubbish and awkward but this is why it is that way, and how can we make that better - and that stealing isn't an appropriate response to that stress. Thank you - that helps me frame the conversation in a more understanding less accusatory way I think?

Thank you to everyone who has replied - I really appreciate your time, opinions and honesty.

I am sorry people have shamed you on here saying you're not giving her enough pocket money. This isn't the point of the post.

You don’t need an admission from her- you know it is her. Just tell her you know it is her and it has to stop.

The fact that this has happened repeatedly would be raising huge red flags. You do need to talk to her urgently. She's obviously tapped into the fact that you are afraid to confront her. If she can't find your savings she will be looking for other ways of obtaining cash. Siblings? Your purse? There's no excuse.

I don't think you should be too gentle about it.

She knew it was wrong and did it repeatedly, not small amounts either.