New boyfriend . Help needed

[twobluskies]

So my DD is 16 . 17 in September
She's had a rather rocky couple of years . Not been in a good relationship with a boy from ages 13-16 . They finally broke up in January after lots of abuse / controlling behaviour and aggression that we had to be involved in .
She's in a great place now , waiting to move onto college .
She's seeing a new boy , same age . We haven't met him but I know his friendship group and I've heard he's a nice lad . We"ll meet him next week , our Dd is his first girlfriend. Our Dd met his mum last night and was allowed to hang out unsupervised in his room .
She's asked what rules are at our house . She's on bc because of last relationship . She says she wants to get to know him well and not rush things

What conversation would you be having with your Dd around house rules , going in bedroom

I don't want her going to his all the time and said I would like to meet him

Any thoughts

Sympathies, it's a hard line to walk because if you are too heavy-handed with the rules you'll push them into open rebellion and at 16-17 they're right on the cusp of adulthood so enforcing rules they don't agree with is nigh on impossible. I had notional rules for mine in place until they were 18 and left home, after that we were a bit more relaxed about uni boyfriends coming to stay or whatever, but TBH I'm absolutely certain all the rules got broken at least once before then, but I did a little bit of blind eye turning/don't ask don't tell, as even if I didn't think much of their boy/girlfriends at that age I'd rather they were doing whatever they're going to do at home safe than pushing them into virtually moving into the BF/GF parents' house or making complicated or risky arrangements involving friends houses or out in their cars or whatever. My rules for what it's worth were:

-No 'dates' or seeing one another on school nights unless as part of an organised/group activity
-No having your boy/girlfriend over when we're out of the house (mainly an issue in daytime school holidays as we're rarely out in the evenings without the kids)
-No sleepovers unless again as part of a group where it's at least notionally boys sleep downstairs girls sleep upstairs thing
-They can go to their rooms with their BF/GF but must leave the door ajar and be prepared that I may burst in with offers of tea and biscuits at any given moment (I didn't but the threat was always there which was horrifying enough to be off putting I'm sure)
-I was careful never to be negative or pejorative about sex but we had lots of awkward open conversations about consent, contraception, not being in a rush, peer pressure etc with both DS and DDs so (I think!) they all managed to land safely in adulthood without anything too traumatising happening - that I knew of anyway.

I suppose I was "lucky". By the time I was 16 my parents had had so many convos/warnings with me about how boys would try to take advantage of me I was thoroughly geared up to - well let's say to tell them to go away! And I've always been like that. I guess what I'm saying is that treating boys as horrid creeps (no I know they're not ALL like that!) will not stop them hitting on her. So there is no reason for her (or you) to be nice to them!

Ask her what rules she thinks are fair

It may be that she's asking you to step in and be 'bad cop' to support her in upholding her boundaries so I would discuss what they are.

Do you have another private space that isn't her bedroom - a shed that could be turned into a teen den etc

I guess you are entitled to have whatever rules you want in your house. However, you need to be prepared that if the other parents are more lenient then they’ll just go there. They are both over 16 after all..

I guess I’m slightly more relaxed as my parents let my boyfriend stay over from 16.

I was going on holiday with friends from 17… they wouldn’t have got very far with a ‘he can’t stay and keep the door open’ policy. I’d have just stayed elsewhere with him.

I’d ask her what she feels comfortable with - if she would prefer you to insist on a door open policy so she doesn’t have to rush things then do that.

I wouldn’t be expect 16 year olds to be supervised though.