Arghh ds and gf

[Bighoopsandbling]

Just after a bit of advice or someone to tell me to get a grip.

Ds16 has his first girlfriend and I'm fretting over him a bit. They've been seeing each other for a couple of months and he's very into her but it all seems very much on her terms.

A few times ds has supposed to have been doing things with his brother or mates and drops them because the girlfriend has asked him to go out. Otoh if they've arranged to meet up she changes her mind leaving ds at a loose end.

Which is all fine, I'm only scared he seems to be very much waiting around for her all the time.

I know I need to just butt out but it's hard watching him go round like a lovesick puppy. Most of his friends seem to be in quite intense relationships.

How do you be there for them without interfering?

My youngest son (in his 20s) has just split up from a demanding little madam. Just welcome the gf into your home. Don’t bad mouth her. They have to decide for themselves I’m afraid. If he asks your opinion or advice keep it mild.

That sounds rubbish but I'm not sure what you can do, really. Maybe gently point out that it isn't really on to cancel arrangements with friends/siblings in favour of the girlfriend. Or better still, get one of their siblings to point out that it's pretty rubbish behaviour! I know my dd certainly takes a very dim view of it when friends behave like this, and friendships have been lost over it!

DD has been together with her bf since they were both 16 (now 19) but they have both been super clear with each other from the start that friends and family are also important and they will both prioritise time with friends/family as well as with each other. I think this is much healthier and I'm very grateful for it, but to some extent, I think they need to figure it out for themselves because they're unlikely to listen to us when intoxicated by young love!!

All you can do really is be there to pick up the pieces of and when it falls apart.

My 19 year old DS recently broke up with his demanding little madam of 2.5 years. It is a breath of fresh air now she has gone. We never said anything much but she was very rude to us on occasion and we did point that out to him at the time. She eventually miscalculated and pushed him too far, so he broke up with her.

Keep communication going, be mild in anything you say but don't be scared to point out that he should keep his friendships going outside of their relationship.

It feels as though he's making himself too available.

She seems to keep arranging with him to go out then changing her mind/not letting him know. I'm not convinced she's as into him as he is to her.

All I've said is to make sure he's making an effort with friends. I was a bit hurt that he ditched his brother but it was the only day she could see him apparently 🤷‍♀️

So hard to try and not interfere. Ds thinks she's the most wonderful human to ever walk the earth.

From my experience way back in the distant past of 25 years ago, this is what going out with a 16yo girl was like. Either you saw them when they wanted to see you or they found someone else who would dance to their tune.

Many a time would one mate not show up to the park to play footie, because his girlfriend wouldn't let him, and then a different friend would show up because Tracy had decided to go out with her mates instead.

It was bad enough then, I can only imagine what its like now everyone has a mobile phone.

It's not the best scenario, but he's learning. It's better that he seems to be eager to please her and make her feel special. Some lads that age think it's cool to have lots of girls on the go and treat them really poorly!

My DS started seeing his gf end of year 12. He has just split from her at end of second year uni.
He is currently at home and has no friends here because he ditched them all 'to be with her'. He spent all his time at home with her, or waiting for her to get back from doing what she was doing. Meantime she kept all her friends. The break up was all her. (Cheated).
He needs to see his mates, and not repeatedly let them down.
Having said that it's hard to get through to them when they are in the throes of a first love/ relationship.

Feel free to tell him my DS bitterly regrets not treating his mates properly.

That’s kind of just how it is a lot of the time at that age to be honest. I don’t think there’s anything you can do besides encourage him to keep his friends and be considerate of them and their time. When I was a teenager I had an ex who patched his mates for me (I didn’t not ask him to do this) and it got annoying because after a while he didn’t have his own life outside of me and used to guilt trip me when I didn’t hang out with him. I think it’s just going to have to be a learning experience for him because if he loves her anything you say will fall on deaf ears and may harm your relationship with him.

At that age it’s more than likely he won’t even remember her name in a few years’ time. Just go with the flow unless she does something unacceptable then you could just gently ask him how high his bar is set and surely he must have a cut off point. Trouble is you can’t put an old head onto young shoulders. They have to experience all of this in order to grow x