How to help...

[ClaireCJ]

Hi this is my first post on here, sorry for the long post.
I have a 12 year old daughter who really struggles with friendships and home life.
We have had lots of support from her schools and local authorities, as things were a bit out of control during lockdown.
She can be so kind and loyal but she can just flip and be so angry and unapproachable. She has just fallen out with her best friend, the friend has said she doesn't like the way my daughter makes her feel and she wants a break from their friendship, this makes me feel so sad and I think I'm more upset than she is as I know how important it is to have good friends.
I just want my daughter to be happy in life and I really worry that we are not doing the best for her 😢

I'm sorry to hear that you're both struggling.

What sort of help are you and your DD receiving?

What do you mean by out of control?

We have done support though the school, she has been having a weekly ELSA catch up but she won't speak up, she will just say good things rather than anything negative that has been going on. She literally flies off the handle, she can be fine and happy then I just have to say one wrong word and she is in total meltdown. I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it's so draining!

It's hard when they're like this isn't it

Lockdown was tough on a lot of kids.

I think you carry on walking on eggshells honestly - stay calm, tell her regularly you love her and will always be there for her and that we are all a work in progress, remind her she can control the outcomes of her own life and that means facing into her problems and taking steps to solve them herself even when it is painful and difficult. Tough love message really.

Deep down does she accept it is her behaviour that has driven her friend away? Presumably she is the one that told you about it.

Make sure you take time to decompress - go running or binge watch comedy shows. You’ll be useless to her if you get dragged into the drama.

What SpringKitten said. But also - does she have a hobby/hobbies that she enjoys? Something outside of home and school where she can succeed, make new friends and be valued too. Martial arts are great for burning up energy, being in a group but also working alone, and building a sense of achievement too. But so is helping out at a stables. Or dance classes/gymnastics/lots of other sports . . .

She is in the local girls football team which she loves and does a lot of sport in the after school clubs. Her friend told her she embarrasses her and she doesn't like it but hasn't said what she has actually done. We have spoken about friendships and how important they are but she never seems that bothered. I do think being an only child has a big impact on their lives, she has no one apart from us too be mad at, argue with, laugh with etc and I think even though she doesn't know any different, it does impact her.

If she's struggling with friendships A Mighty Girl has some good guides and novels here.

I'd also recommend reading Untangled yourself