14 y/o possibly an addict? Need advice!

[LovelySamantha1972]

Recently my 14 year old son has been acting distant towards me and my husband. He never wants to spend any time with us and prefers to stay holed up in his bedroom for most of the day. These days we only see him when he goes down to get a snack or drink. Ever since he changed I've lost sleep worrying and speculating about what could've caused this sudden change in behaviour - just a few weeks ago he was his normal outgoing, cheerful self! So I decided to take matters into my own hands, and went through his phone whilst he was at school to find something - anything - that may have given me an answer as to why he had suddenly changed. Now I wish I hadn't!

One thing I discovered was that he was being bullied again. He has been bullied in the past and it nearly caused him to stop going to school at one point. Whilst that also makes me feel sick to my stomach, the thing that terrified me the most was what he may have been using to cope with the bullying. After I went through his texts, I went through his Youtube history and found some creepy-looking "music", if anyone could call it that - half of it was mindless noise and screaming about Satan to me - but there was one band that made my stomach drop. A weird, electronic synthy project called "Heroin Makes Happy". The name told me everything I needed to know.

I haven't slept since yesterday. I double checked to find any signs of heroin or other drugs in his room, but found nothing - even so, I'm almost certain he's using heroin to cope with the situation, and have noticed that he looks especially jittery these days. Why else would he listen to a band that encourages people to do heroin?? I'm absolutely terrified. Please help me out!!

I think you are putting 2 and 2 together and making 100.

I listened to nirvana and watched trainspotting as a teen, it didn't mean I was on heroin.
He's clearly depressed, but don't jump to such conclusions. You'd know as he'd need money every day for it, you'd smell it. There's be tinfoil and stuff somewhere in his room.
I'd say just gently talk to him about how he's feeling, ask him if he'd consider counselling?
Don't accuse him of heroin use. One song doesn't make enough evidence. And it'll push him away if he feels attacked.

I am sorry your son is having a rough time. I imagine it's very unusual for 14 year old kids to become heroin addicts unless they are in very dysfunctional situations. I also think you would probably be able to tell is he was using heroin. I wouldn't put any importance on the names of the bands he listens to.

I hope you are able to connect with him and give him some support. It must be really worrying for you.

Anxiety can do this, among other things. I had a role in a school working with that age group (included looking for signs of self-harm or abuse of substances) and while a lot were happy to bandy around talk of heroin, graffiti about it, and were quite fascinated by it, at that age very few would have had a go at it. Access to weed was easier however - but again, it's quite hard to hide the smell etc.

My 13 year old would spend all day hold up in his room if I let him. He would literally just be playing video games all day and night.

You are jumping to conclusions, although I'm slightly worried you haven't looked down his Internet access enough if he's listing to music like this. Most kids don't start with heroine, but gateway drugs like weed or speed.

I think you actually need to speak to your son and find out if he's being bullied.

It's highly unlikely he is taking heroin without you having noticed. It doesn't sound like he is out of the house for long periods of time so when would he be doing this?

Listening to music with drug references does not make someone take drugs. My son likes a rapper who sings about methamphetamine. He doesn't take the stuff.

If you want to know what's wrong, the only way to find out is by finding a way to get him to open up. Snooping rarely helps! It's tough when they act out of sorts though but usually our imaginations are worse than the reality.

I listen to lots of drug type music, not addicted to anything. Have you tried talking to him about how he feels. Tackling the bullying is the priority and going through his phone will upset him if he thinks you don't trust him and are snooping.

I listen to The Velvet Underground and I'm not a heroin addict. Nor is your son.

Thank you all for your replies. It's calmed down my biggest fears a little though I am still worried about the bullying. I will talk to my son tonight and ask him about it. Hoping it'll go well!!

I think you may be jumping to conclusions here. In terms of drugs, does he have any money of his own to buy drugs with? I don't know much about drugs but I'm pretty sure a heroin addiction is quite an expensive thing! I doubt he could afford it without engaging in some real criminality! How about drugs paraphernalia? Any of that in his room? Any needle marks on his arms?

I can confidently say, without a moment's hesitation, that your child is not on heroin.

However, if he is being bullied, you MUSTN'T allow yourself to be distracted by this completely excessive and unrealistic leap you have made - your 1st duty to him is to remove him from the bullying situation, especially as you have just said you are seeing for yourself how withdrawn, unhappy and jittery he has become.

Bullying is absolutely poisonous, and I would strongly suggest first suggesting that he doesn't have to go back in this year if he doesn't want to (he's year 9?) and then ask him if there is anything he wants to talk about. Talk to the school and don't be fobbed off.

If they do ANYTHING other than convince you they are going to take strong action and fix this (you say he is being bullied again? was he bullied before at this school?) then now is the time to change schools, before he gets stuck into the 2 year GCSE curriculum. I moved my child at the end of year 9 and it was great timing.

I was bullied mercilessly in school and my parents did nothing. I have zero tolerance for it now. You are his ONLY advocate, so remove him from the situation while you get to the bottom of it or fix fix it.

And stop letting your imagination run wild with nonesense about drugs - you are letting him down if you do anything other than address the bullying.

Some teens do try drugs but I don't think they tend to go straight for heroin!

Goodness, you have really jumped into an anxiety quagmire there !!!
I would suggest connecting with your DS,
discuss the bullying,
don’t criticise his music tastes
be careful what you may be inadvertently teaching his about managing anxiety

@whynosummer Yes, he was bullied last year and his anxiety from it made getting him up for school difficult. He told me after we talked with the school that they took appropriate action and that he wasn't being bullied anymore but from my knowledge it may have started again. I'll make sure to have a talk with him this evening.

I wouldn't jump in straight with the drugs debate, you need to prioritise supporting him with the bullying

I wouldn't mention the phone tonight, I would say ask him if he's OK, he seems very quiet, is everything ok at school first. If he's being bullied again then support him through that and speak to the school again.

Oh also, don't bring up the music thing. It's got nothing to do with anything. I listened to music like that when I was a teen and am a completely well adjusted, happily married, stable adult now with teenagers of my own. People are REALLY surprised when I tell the what I was into at that age, because you'd never think it. It really is completely irrelevant to the kind of young man he is growing up to become.

Your brain went straight to smack addict? I think you and he may need some talking therapy.

Another voice to say that song lyrics in general don't translate into behaviour! My nerdy academic son went through a rap music phase and the lyrics made my hair curl. But it didn't make him actually act out any of those lyrics iyswim.

Sorry to be flippant but I love the song ‘Dancing in the moonlight’. Don’t think I have ever done it.

What evidence have you found that he is being bullied again?
I appreciate you are worried about his change in behaviour but based on the fact you thought he was 'possibly an addict' from the title of one song he'd seen on YouTube it sounds like your judgment might be a bit off and you are actively looking for something.

I'd tread very carefully here and as others have said just try to have a general conversation and let him know he can talk to you about anything.
It might also be worth saying that you are not comfortable with all the time he's spending alone and put in some new boundaries around it that create opportunities for open dialogue- once a week an evening walk, or you share a binge watch together every Wednesday night sort of thing.

I don't want to be hurtful but you sound quite naive and seeking some education for yourself about young people and current drug trends and behaviour may be beneficial to you and your son for the future.

How on earth did you conclude your 14 year old son is using heroin based on a song?!
Of course he's not on heroin 🤨 he's a teenager. Teenagers don't generally want to spend time with their parents and families very much and most of them would spend all their time in their rooms if allowed. So far so normal. Being bullied is a worry and you need to talk to him about it. But heroin? Come on.

If he was using heroin you would no about it.
My sister was a user for years it's not a pretty sight.(12 years clean)
Plus he would need a hit every day so he would need money every day and it's not cheap.
And there's more than one way to take it.
Bullying can be sorted.
But as posters have said most teens would stay in there rooms anyway.
Teens don't really want to spend quality time with their parents either.
They are growing up and they are going through changes finding themselves.
Music has nothing to do with it.
I'm a mother of 2 grown boys believe me I've been through it.
The smoking the weed the drinking the drama spending all day in their rooms spending all night out without calling me.
Music I can't even understand.
Then the clubbing the nights out the girlfriends.
Now I'm at a stage where I can worry less as they have gone through all above stages and now adult men and now work and moved out.
They also cringe looking back at their behaviour lol.
Music don't make you an addict.

Also can confidently say he is highly unlikely to be on heroin. There would be signs but not these

I have, and I hate the song! It's a funny old world we live in 😂