Where am I going so wrong? TW - SA

[Thisisjustshite]

OK, I'm posting here as I have literally nowhere else to go with this.

I have two DC - DS15 & DD14. Married to their father, we live together. DS is ADHD & it's very likely DD is too but the neurodevelopmental team waitlist will have been five years by the time she is seen. Not sure if that is relevant? It might be. She has a history of anxiety and is an active self-harmer.

Last year DD was raped. We (mainly I, as DD didn't want DH to know a lot) supported her throughout the police investigation, attending the medical screening, organising counselling etc. It was honestly goddamn awful. School were very supportive.

Earlier this year, there was a second police investigation. For a separate incident. Explicit photos of DD were found amongst other children aged under 16 on a Snapchat account. Whole new police team, whole new set of interviews. I supported her again of course. The photos were sent by her to somebody. I don't know who but it wasn't at all related to the previous incident. The photos were sent prior to the previous incident but it only became a thing afterwards. We had a chat, she knows it was wrong, lesson learned.

Monday of this week, she was sexually assaulted by another pupil in school. A male pupil. I knew nothing of this until I get a phonecall from yet another police officer. A third one this time. So off I go again to school to meet DD and police officer for DD to give a statement. Senior Leadership Team are involved, obviously. Same as last time. I ask the same teacher why does this keep happening? He can't answer. I ask DD why the hell we are here again? Why the actual f* is she putting herself in these situations? She thinks I think it's her fault. I probably am the worst parent in the world here but I can't help thinking that's she not helping herself.

Have I washed the clothes she was wearing on Monday asked the police officer? Well yes I did. I didn't expect her knickers to be required as evidence. Again. I should've put them with the pair from last time shouldn't I? But in a separate bag of course as not to contaminate.

I'm thinking now that clearly DD cannot keep herself safe. I'm considering an all girls school for September or home school although I'd rather eat my own arm.

I haven't slept and my IBS is terrible I'm so stressed. No idea what to do. What I'd like to do is pack a bag and leave but it's not an option is it?

Thanks for getting this far.

It sounds like you are blaming her for being a victim of sexual assault. You say you supported her, perhaps physically by taking her to interviews but it doesn't sound like you did mentally. What does your daughter want to do? Move schools? Its not about her "putting herself in these situations" it's about abusers recognising her vulnerability and exploiting it to her abuse her. The fact your daughter knows you are blaming her is very worrying, you both need counselling and I think you need to educate yourself. Please change your mindset or you'll lose your daughter

@ClaireRed I really did support her mentally, well I definitely tried my best with the first two incidents. I explained that none of it was her fault, that we were so proud of her for speaking out. I said that no matter what the outcome of the investigations were, she had already won in my eyes. I was absolutely positive with her. Honestly.

But again? I am absolutely poleaxed. I literally just cannot find the energy to go through it all again. I haven't even got over the first episode.

She did have counselling. I referred us both. It has stopped, hers, due to her not wanting to go anymore.

I'll ask mine on Thursday where I'm going wrong.

again? I am absolutely poleaxed. I literally just cannot find the energy to go through it all again. I haven't even got over the first episode.

So how do you think she feels? This isn't all about you - she's the one who's been assaulted twice. I can promise you that however this is for you, it's worse for her.

And then she has to listen to you asking what she did to bring it upon herself.

My mum made similar blame-y comments when I was raped (she referred to me as having "got myself raped"). She also made it all about her. I'm low contact with her as an adult, needless to say.

It sounds really hard. I can tell you’re exhausted. But I think you’re going to have to find some reserves of strength from somewhere. Can your husband take on some of the other family responsibilities while you focus on this (assuming again your daughter wants you to be the main parent involved rather than him).

There might be ways she’s behaving, situations she’s putting herself in that make her vulnerable but that’s because she is vulnerable, it absolutely does not mean it’s her fault or take away any of the blame from those who are exploiting that vulnerability.

How would you have known not to wash her clothes if you didn’t know until later that somethung had happened. That’s not your fault.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist So sorry it happened to you. I hope you were supported, if not by your Mum.

This just sounds so awful for you and so stressful.
Kids who are Nd are often developmentally 18 months younger than their biological age. This maybe impacting her. Also girls with adhd often have very low self esteem.
The amount of P@rn around now unfortunately really affects how boys behave.
Your idea to send her to an all girls school is possibly a good one.
I think I would be keeping an eagle eye on her phone and possibly really restricting it.
Maybe some coaching about how to recognize dangerous situations, trusting your gut and some good self defense classes. Could you do this together ? They might be helpful for both of you

This isn’t your fault.
This isn’t her fault.

Many young women are regularly sexually assaulted and harassed.

Many of them don’t report it. Your DS has been brave enough to identify and report the abuse. She may well turn into a woman who takes no shit as an adult- with your support.

The reason I was vulnerable was having a dominant parent I needed to please. I became a people pleaser and didn’t want to cause trouble.

Can you see a dynamic in your situation that could be driving her vulnerability?

Sounds to me that there are definitely vulnerabilitues here that your daughter has that make her more susceptible. It's highly likely that she is ND and with all this she definitely needs extra support. I really feel for you OP. You don't deserve to be bashed. You're shocked and terrified as to why this has happened again.

The school are probably downplaying her needs in school. I feel they all do this to a significant extent.

I think all girls school in September is not a bad thing tbh. I went to one. There's some freedom in knowing you don't have to deal with all the ' boys' side of things.

I'd be all over her phone etc in a regular basis. I know it's difficult at her age.

Yes, something is up here, but you need to focus your energy on what that is, not get angry that it's "again."

It's uncommon for a child to have been coincidentally involved in 3 unrelated incidents of this nature. Granted, it's not impossible that it really is just horrific coincidence. Very unlikely, but not impossible.

I don't know if it's counselling, psychiatry, a different route of support who will help dig deeper into why this keeps happening to her. That's not victim blaming, that's acknowledging that there is something going on where she is the common denominator more vulnerable to predators. Once is once. Twice is unusual. Three is a pattern, and you must help her do everything she can to not somehow become involved in a fourth.

Whatever she may/may not be doing, does not excuse what these vile people have done. Don't get angry at her. Understand why. Help her protect herself.

It's a well established fact that abusers target vulnerable people, and a teenage girl who has been raped before is vulnerable.

So no, it's not unusual for the same individual to be targeted more than once.

I was a revenge porn victim at age 14, experienced many sexual assaults both in and out of school. I felt worthless, disgusting and held guilt for many many years. The same situation happened to me over and over again because in the eyes of other people that was all I was worth. I craved love and for someone to see that I was worth more than my body. I was “easy” and in all honesty, I felt like I deserved it.

I hyper-sexualised myself because it was easier to do that to myself than to let others around me do it. It’s like taking the piss out yourself because when others try and do it to you it doesn’t give them the same effect. I was numb and felt 0 emotions from about 14 to 21, I had to close myself off to prevent myself from feeling the emotions relating to it. My nervous system was and is completely fucked. I had to walk back into school the very next day it all came out, 1200 sets of eyes on me.

Whispers. Mocking. Pointing. Laughing.

Those little moments of innocent childish joy. Gone.

It was easier to give in, to not fight anymore. Closing your eyes and going to my happy place was easier than facing boys double my size because guess what. Whether it happened or not they would still say they done X to me. I was always a goal in their desire to conquer.

When your reminded every single day by those around you about what “you” have done, what a disgusting person you are and how every single person has seen the most intimate parts of you sometimes it’s easier to not fight anymore.

We go to the extremes to feel because someone ripped out that ability when they decide that we are there to be had.

'I ask DD why the hell we are here again? Why the actual f* is she putting herself in these situations?'

As a victim of CSA reading this made me recoil in horror.

Same. It's a horrific thing to say.

And everything Shamrockk said above is spot on. What she describes is a really common way for SA victims to feel following assault, and blaming them for how they cope with the trauma does nothing but compound the problem.

Aww, sweetheart, what a time you've had.
Hope you are mentally and emotionally well now.
Sending 🫂 x

Ok.

So she sent explicit photos to someone.

She was raped
She's been sexually assaulted.

Having spent a long time in teaching in my experience half of the school have sent explicit photos. We spent endless pshe sessions telling them not to and that it was illegal.

It does sound quite likely that she is vulnerable and may have put herself into dangerous situations.

I do know students who have been in similar situations - they really really wanted positive attention. Some were from family backgrounds where they had been rejected (looked after by grandma because both parents awol sort of thing) but others came from more standard families.

Many of them believed their boyfriends loved them and for some of them they saw it as an opportunity to be more adult and get beyond the childhood restrictions.

It's also very difficult at school if others find out about it.

I would advise:

Getting her on the implant (pill is too easy to forget)

Phone restrictions (the difficulty here is that she may get another one)

Therapy if you can manage it

Dear god this is horrible. I wish I could give you a hug through the screen. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I hope life is better now.

My friend has recently gone through similar - her DD is quite clearly ADHD and (I’m ducking for cover) her lack of impulse control, and rejection sensitive dysphoria make her make some frankly crappy decisions. She is unmedicated. I truly wish the friend would throw money at a private diagnosis and meds and give this girl a chance to function at something approaching normal instead of ricocheting between crises.

My teen son was a victim of violent crime twice in the same year. I never thought what am I doing wrong because it’s not the victim’s fault.

I would be withdrawing her from the school and taking away her phone as presumably they are unable to keep her safe. Going to a girl’s school may protect from sexual assault during school hours but always picking her up and forbidding her from leaving the house out of school hours so she can’t go and meet boys is not going to work because the internet makes meeting people so easy.

Why the actual fuck is she putting herself in these situations? She thinks I think it's her fault. Your post comes across like you think that.

I realise that you can’t give details but as a parent, I’d want to know how the hell it happened during school hours. Does your dd use an app like Snapchat so you can’t monitor her messages? Has she got multiple social media accounts and only allow you access to her finsta?

I really understand that you aren't blaming her but are asking how she can have experienced this despite your active parenting- it's really easy to believe if we do a good enough job our children will be safe.

We want to identify a locus of control so we can make sure it never happens again.

That can translate as thinking it's her fault. I know that's not what you mean. But it's hard to discuss without it sounding like that.

Look at the shark cage analogy. Wonder whether there are some bars missing in her shark cage and how you can fix it together if there are.

I don't understand why my friend is able to say she's never experienced sexual assault. I've been assaulted- as in pinch on the bum level- more times than I can count. And had more serious assaults. The latter I know I was unlucky coupled with a bad shark cage. The former I don't see how anyone avoids them, it's so prolific.

I think you need support in order to give her more support.
Perhaps you could get support from a charity which works with families in your situation, or approach the police for guidance. It sounds like you need more help to understand what she is dealing with and how it might affect her.

I think your observations are really valid. My son is Autistic/ADHD and there are struggles with certain things. It needs to be acknowledged more. The school will probably downplay it all ( the neuro divergence) to avoid any responsibility here.

There's some fantastic comments on this thread so definitely read them carefully OP.
I just wanted to offer my experience as someone who works with sex offenders - they're often drawn to those who have already experienced abuse as they're less likely to report and more vulnerable.
Please consider removing her from the school, restricting her phone usage (implementing phone checks etc) and making some safety plans.
I'd also recommend having a look into 'fight, flight or fawn' which may explain the way she is reacting in unsafe situations due to her previous rape and the trauma around this

Op when I was going through sexual assault and being raped there was nobody to turn to my mum was away in a psychiatric hospital my dad was not around as he was away visiting my mum.

When my mum came home I told my parents everything the man went to prison and then everything was hushed under the carpet I didn't have nobody to talk to.

I felt ashamed dirty and felt I was to blame please support your daughter she's vulnerable that's why if happened she's not to blame for being in that position.

One of the previous posters got it absolutely spot on when they said you need support to support your daughter. Show support let her know she's not to blame and give her time but let her know you are there for her anytime she feels ready to talk.

Being shamed into silence is absolutely destroying and it messed up my teens and twenties.
Good luck op it never goes away but with the right support it does get better