School refusal and self harm

[ButterflySeason]

Dd has been struggling with school for the past 10 months. School haven't been very helpful and GP has said it's anxiety due to school so up to school to deal with. The anxiety around school is making her sick, she cries constantly in the morning. We have spoken to her and don't know exactly what it is about school causing the anxiety.

A couple of days ago I found cuts on her arm and she told me she had cut herself when she felt sad about having to go to school and because myself and dad were trying to make her attend. I feel so awful. I've discussed changing school she doesn't want to. I have a meeting with school on Monday.

I feel so sad and worried about her future. She is 14. She has 1 friend and says she doesn't like anyone else as they are loud and rude. She would ideally like to attend school 4 hours a day to avoid the crowds in the morning and then at the end of the day. Can school agree to this?

I do completely sympathise. Our DD refused school too.

Our DD is now on the Pathway for assessment for ASD and similarly couldn't really express which bits of school she was struggling with. We managed to pick up that the toilets were a big issue. She was given a toilet pass so that she could leave lessons if she needed to. She was given a pass to a different toilet that was quieter. She was allowed to leave lessons 5 minutes early so that she wasn't in the corridor crush and there was a room for DC who were struggling where she could work if the lesson she was in was too overwhelming.

We didn't have self-harm but I've heard good things about this book, see if she is willing to give it a try.

You might find Helping Teens Who Cut helpful too

I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. Our 12 year old has ASD and refuses to go to school most days. We just found out she has started cutting, too. No answers here I'm afraid, but plenty of sympathy. We are trying to find appropriate therapy/treatment for her but there's a long waiting list for private treatment and absolutely nothing on the NHS. I feel so guilty and helpless. It's a horrible situation.

Thank you for the book link, @CadyEastman. I'll be reading this thread with interest, OP- so thank you too, and I hope you are able to chart a course through this.

V sorry about this. Your GP’s response isn’t OK: it is a health issue. would ask for referral for mental health services.

I am in the middle of something similar. You can refer her to CAHMS now for support. My daughter has been referred for ASD assessment, we are waiting to hear from them but the waiting list is incredibly long. Our GP is convinced that she has autism, I'm convinced too. She has been masking for years and we are dealing with anxiety, school anxiety, misophonia, self harm, an eating disorder and vitamin deficiencies. Luckily our GP is amazing.

Get a second opinion, look into ASD, refer her to CAHMS, have a meeting with school- they may have onsite counselling and should put into place reasonable adjustments. Ask for help from everyone, you can't do it alone. Sending my sympathies and support. You are not alone.

Sending empathy. - we went through this with DD in Y9. Cutting and anxiety, panic attacks. She has had EHCP for dyslexia since Y6 - she actually quite likes school and has friends - just hates lessons and the pressure so she has spent most of secondary school hiding out in learning support area and getting occasional 1-2-1 with a TA.

They definitely can do the 4hrs a day - reduced time table is a reasonable adjustment. Loads of kids especially with ASD have arrangements to arrive early or late to lessons to avoid the scrum in corridors at change over time.

All of which depends on supportive and sympathetic SENCO. You don't need EHCP to get support by the way just may be harder to get their attention.

We paid for v expensive private therapy when DD was self harming because CAMHs referral took too long. It did take 24 sessions - which interestingly SENCO predicted. It's a 24 to 30 session problem not a 6 session CBT tools problem.

And it stopped her self harming - didn't solve all the issues. This year she has had anti-ds (finally got CAMHs referral) - remained on reduced timetable and has just taken v limited set of GCSEs with every kind of support you can imagine.

I never thought we'd be here and I am so proud of her.

Just re-read your post. I think supportive school is really important. If yours isn't and she isn't attached to it, can you move her or take her out altogether? Maybe explore other options for 14 - 16 yr olds in your area.

I took mine out of school when he was 12. I had to prioritise his mental health.

Have you applied for an ECHP yet @ButterflySeason?

And if you haven't already, it might be worth taking to the Young Minds Parents Helpline, especially before you speak to the school.