Social anxiety

[Saxonlady]

i really thought my dd was improving in terms of her social anxiety. She now has a small group of friends (well people she hangs out with at school and messages. There has been the odd outing but few and I think that’s the group dynamic unfortunately).
it was a social day at school today with lots of activities and dd said it was a nightmare. I asked what her friends did and she said they just got on with it together and left her. To be honest when she is feeling really anxious she just cuts everyone out and blanks people and it isn’t their job isn’t to encourage dd to join in. Unfortunately I think she is used to her dad and I doing that and she expects her friends to be the same. When they don’t she feels they don’t want her around and she cuts herself off even more. She is upset as no one has messaged her to ask if she’s ok.
I appreciate that the whole experience was too much for her and I emphasise with her as I was very shy and quiet myself but how do I get her to understand what she needs to either open up to her friends so they know she needs help from time to time or she needs to work on her anxiety.
not sure what I’m asking her but just some advice from people who have gone through similar issues.
she saw a psychologist for a series of sessions and the psychologist said she was a really sensitive, shy girl with low self esteem. No other indicators of autism or other issues.

I sympathise with your DD, I was also a shy teenager. It’s not easy!

it sounds like you’ve taken the right steps by finding a psychologist, what did they suggest about the low self esteem? Can they work on that with her?

I think people can smell low self esteem a mile away and this tends to affect socially.

She has finished her sessions with the psychologist as she improved so much. Her self esteem is so much better. It’s clear she is beginning to like herself. The sessions finished about a year or so ago. She is better and we all see that but it seems that when she hits a big problem she just shuts off. She opts out of any social interaction- I presume it’s a defense mechanism. Perhaps we need to book a few more sessions but she’s reluctant to go back.
I think the problem with school is that she now has the ‘reputation’ of being standoffish and moody and it’s hard to come back from that.

It does seem that she needs more sessions. I’m obviously not a psychologist but from reading your latest post, it seems to me that she fears rejection (understandably).

Putting barriers to avoid rejection from others? Sounds like the psychologist was doing a good job! It’s good she agreed to those sessions! I woukd try to convince her of getting more.good luck!

My DD is very similar. It's heart breaking as she's clever, funny and kind and has so many other good qualities but I think has such low self esteem that she struggles to believe anyone wants to be her friend. She has only a couple of friends at school but they're not mad so as soon as a boyfriend comes along DD gets pushed to the side.
Did you pay privately for a psychiatrist? What was the catalyst for getting one? Financially We'd struggle but I think nhs isn't an option as it would be cahms and from my experience at work cahms are so overloaded unless your suicidal you're not getting seen.

Sorry to hear you are going through a similar thing.

we did pay privately as we knew we needed fast action to stop things escalating. Luckily she only needed about 6 sessions and then we just have an open door should we need to return. Odd times I’ve messaged the lady and she’s given advice without fee and we haven’t had to return.

At the time our dd was really unhappy at school and struggling to form friendships. She had no self esteem and found things like going shopping really difficult.

we saw a change right after the first session and she always came out as if a load had been lifted from her shoulders.

hope things start to improve for your family xx

Thank you. Did she end up changing friendship group or just built on friendships she already had?

I'm just so worried about her. She seems to be overlooked by everyone constantly.

She built on an existing friendship group and thankfully she’s also become friends with others- probably the new friends are more like her. I just wish she’d reach out a bit more and try to deepen the relationships but she’s resistant to that.
A new start at college is approaching on September so I am really hoping she’s can make a new start with a totally new group of people. However, I’m more than aware it could go the totally different way 🙈

It's so stressful isn't it. Mines really awkward around people. She gets on well With people from her out of school clubs but never seems to form deep friendships. I wouldn't mind as much if she enjoyed alone time but she's really
Sad she doesn't have a best friend.

My daughter seems ok when it’s just her and her friends but she seems to constantly be on alert for rejection and runs straight away at the first sniff! Her friends are lovely if not very empathetic and they wouldn’t reject her but she can’t see that. Bullying episode at primary from one of her so called best friends seems to have had a long term impact 😢