14 DD and boyfriends

[Southcmp]

Second of four DD's and probably the easiest of the four until now.

Background is that she is going from boyfriend to boyfriend. She seems to like the chase and then dumps them once she goes out with them and to me I think she enjoys creating the drama with her friends. The last boy was very upset and we had a long chat about his feelings and how maybe she wasn't very kind.

At the time I suggested she focused on friendships rather than boyfriends. However, she now has a new boyfriend. I don't know the boy and she has been lying about being with him and saying she's with her friend when she isn't. I haven't met him as she said he doesn't do parents.

Fast forward to last week and she had told her Dad she was at a friends after school but as I was driving home I spotted her kissing the boy. Her friends were also there with their boyfriends.

I think I handled the situation all wrong and now she's grounded for 2 weeks for lying about where she was. She's gone from spending time with her good friends to hanging round the local park with groups of kids I don't know. I don't want her to see this boy and I've overreacted saying she isn't allowed a boyfriend so she's become withdrawn and emotional. She won't talk to me.

This is new territory for me, I don't want her to lie so need to work with her. I don't have friends with older teens who have been through this to ask advice and those with similar aged DD's are not going through the same thing.

So what do I do? I'm happy to admit I've overreacted, I just don't want her hanging round with kids I don't know and getting in trouble. I hate the fact she is so upset.

We had a situation earlier in the year where she was sending a photos of herself on snap chat that I didn't feel were appropriate. I think I got that message through to her but she seems to making some really silly decisions and I'm terrified she will now keep secrets or rebel due to me overreacting.

She's mature for her age, a woman rather than a girl and looks much older than her friends. She's such a lovely girl and I never have to tell her off so we're both struggling with this.

Thanks

Not sure I can help but my Dd went from a sweet and compliant child to a complete hellraiser aged 14. We spoke about trust and why hanging about in Parks and drinking vodka weren't good choices. She is 17 ( nearly 18) now with a lovely BF, studying very hard for her A- levels, volunteering and generally a pleasure. All I can advise is hold on, it gets better. 💐

At 14 "boyfriends/girlfriends" aren't meant to be serious.

As for you -you need to accept at this age you won't possibly know everyone in your child's social circle. Hanging out in parks is normal rite of passage. It's not primary where you arranged playdates and got to know everyone's mum. As a compromise, invite her new friends for a bbq or film night.

I think that you need to talk to her - apologise for embarrassing her and I would lift the grounding.
But, explain why you are concerned, you don't want to curb her freedoms but you are worried she's making risky choices - like lying to you about where she is. Trust is earned.
However - she's hitting an age where she is pulling away from you and wanting to spend more time with her peers.
It's such a tricky age when your teens are mature but not as worldly as they think they are.

Op I was a hellraiser like that! I am not sure what the answer is but I would really try to keep lines of communication open - but I have to be honest I think perhaps my parents should have had some tougher boundaries on what I did with my time. It's so hard as I have teens and know you can't just go hard line on them - in the end the relationship is what matters.

What would you prefer she spent her time doing and can you work on that instead?

although - I do also think there is something at least postive about kids being out and about in parks being social - at least they aren't stuck indoors staring at screens?!

I have followed through with grounding her this week focusing on it being because she lied to us and used the opportunity to spend some 1 on 1 time with her as she’s 1 of 4 DD’s . I’ve been honest with her and told her my concerns and explained this is new to me too but have ultimately said we need her to be honest. She’s going to have the boyfriend and a couple of friends over on Friday after school as I thought this would be a good way for us to meet him and at least I can put a face to the name without it being awkward for them.

As for what I would rather she be doing instead. I want to ensure she doesn’t loose her good friends as she has lost interest in them over the last few months. I’m hoping I can encourage this over the summer holidays as we are always happy for friends to come over.

No 14 year old is a woman. Please don't encourage this idea in her. A woman wouldn't be hanging around parks, kissing boys in the street and lying about where she is. Maybe you need to think a bit more about her development levels and how you treat her. The teen brain is not the same as an adult's. Your DD still needs you to guide and protect her. To keep her safe.

I completely agree about her being 14. I meant she is a woman more in the way that she hit puberty much earlier than her friends and is a beautiful young lady but definitely looks older than a lot of her peers. I treat her with respect and have clear boundaries that are appropriate for her age as compared to her 17 year old sister. I’m just trying my best to get through this period of unknown which is why I am looking for advice.

I would do exaxtly what you suggest. I also have a dd15 who started dating at 13 but the rules were always clear... she would only be allowed a boyfriend if we met him. So dates with boyfriends would be at home under supervision or at his parents if I had met them etc...

This approach did tend to doscourage reckless behaviours also.because the boys feel part of a family and act nore reaponsibly typically. Also there is less keeness to 'get with' a lot of them after the rigmarole of bringing them home etc

I didn't like the idea of my kids hqving loads of boyfriends/girlfriends either.

There's nothing wrong in principle with hanging about in parks (parks exist for people to hang about in) as long as they aren't being yobs about it.