My daughter who is 14 has previous for unhealthy relationships going both ways. Her dad set this pattern and we can’t seem to repair this- despite several SEMH professionals as she likely has borderline with some “unhealthy traits” (abusive in my opinion honestly) meaning as soon as the therapist has built a relationship and stops idolising her and tries to get to the actual work- to tell her she’s wrong about something etc, she instantly hates them with a passion and won’t see them. Just for the Background.
Part of this unhealthy relationships involved sending nude photos to her boyfriend when they were 13 and 12/13. Police visited and spoke with her and she was rude to the police as her views on relationships are so distorted she thinks “adults don’t understand teenagers nowadays” and the police were wasting their time trying to stop 13 year old girls sending nude photos as that’s a normal thing everyone does. Oh and it’s completely normal her ex was threatening to share this photo to the whole school and he wouldn’t actually do it obviously! We grown-ups just take everything so seriously!
PSHE tried to cover healthy-unhealthy relationships last term and she disrupted every single lesson with incorrect views, arguing/debating with the teacher, ending up in IU over and over again.
This led to her deciding she would identify as “naughty” now and so she makes deliberate poor choices to get into IU etc.
This escalated to suspension and while at home suspended she stole her brothers old mobile and used WiFi to download Snapchat. Connected with another child (a 16 year old boy that is not in education due to being expelled).
A week or 10 days later I noticed the phone, took it back. Explanation on how it would have been nice if she was able to understand the dangers around what she was doing so she could get a phone back for her birthday but that she keeps breaking my trust and it’s so disheartening/disappointing.
The whole Romeo and Juliet plot kicked off here as she couldn’t contact “Romeo”. She was skipping lessons using other kids phones to talk to him all day as he was at home. School just let her sit in the toilet snap chatting him all day- what can they really do I suppose? But she is clearly not safe at school.
She used these phones to arrange to run away and meet him. She left the house on a Friday evening sneakily, but leaving the door wide open so I would instantly notice. And a note hidden in her bed saying “I’ve ran away to stay at Romeo’s house this weekend. If you tell anyone or call the police I won’t come back Sunday as planned.”
Me and a friend went to this 16 year olds flat. His single-dad was staying at his partners that weekend. The place stunk of weed. The boy was locked in but spoke to us through a window and insisted Juliet wasn’t there. I said I would have to call the police at this point as if she isn’t there, I don’t know where she is, and as she has left a note saying she is at his, I am sure they will want to search his home first. At the mention of the police, a local 18 year old drug dealer climbs out of the window and disappears as he clearly has stuff on him he didn’t want the police to know about. We get inside the house and my daughter is in there, in Romeo’s bed. She has climbed in via the window so was locked in with this 18 year old man and the 16 year old, likely smoking weed for the very first time and who knows what else could have happened to her.
Everyone in her life talked to her about how dangerous this situation was but she again was very much arguing and mocking us that this was completely normal and we are just old.
She ran away again a couple of weeks later, this time he took to her a drug-deb type house with his friend and two adult men. Again she is so vulnerable.
I suspect these adult men gave her a phone so she could contact Romeo, as school said she defo has one- but school are crap at safeguarding so could be another kids- can’t be sure. I asked for the phone that has appeared to be recorded on CPOMS Incase it was a “gift” from these men as part of grooming and the head laughed at me, saying “CPOMs a teenager having a phone, ok.”
It worries me that she’s seen him twice (we don’t let her out of our sight so really do think this is all she has seen him) and both times he has introduced her to adult drug dealers. No cinema dates or McDonalds. It feels really like grooming to me… or certainly puts her at risk to it.
So now I am keeping Juliet away from Romeo, destroying my relationship with her…. Doing the exact opposite of what you should do when someone dates a partner you don’t like, as I don’t know how else to help her safe?
I know I’m not doing the right thing, but I don’t actually know what the right thing is- as letting her see him and see she is worth more etc feels like handing her over to these adult men….
I also am aware I might be completely blowing this out of proportion… but everytime I have worried about her, it’s been true and worse than I even thought…. So the fact I’m worried about this…. Worries me.