No friends

[Liz79k]

My soon to be 17 yr old daughter doesn't have any friends to socialise with. At primary school she thrived and was very sociable with both boys and girls. However once she got to secondary school things changed. She seemed to develop a bit of social anxiety which then became much worse during the covid years. There were also alot of friendship issues within the group of 4 girls she had become "friends" with.

I'd hoped things would get better once she had gone to college where she could make a fresh start. She's chosen to go down the sporting route and it is predominantly boys on the course who she has become friends with but none of them live local and I don't think it's quite the same as having girls to hang out with. She just doesn't seem to have found her tribe yet.
Thankfully she has a sporting hobby which gets her out of the house alot. She competes competitively and is on club and county teams. However none of the people she meets live locally to us.
Its also difficult for her to find a part time job that fits around her hobby as she has team commitments from March to September. I have advised she gets a part-time job during the winter months.
I know she is lonely because she has told me and she has cried which literally broke my heart.
She is now feeling sad about her 17th birthday in a few weeks because she doesn't have any friends she feels she can ask to spend it with her.
She does have two friends one is 21 who she knows through her hobby they talk alot and the relationship is very sisterly but I think the age gap hinders a lot of social activities they could do together. Her other friend is 17 and is a friend she has had since secondary school but she has a boyfriend and prefers to spend all of her time with him.
I just feel so sad for her. I think she is ready to get out and see the world but just doesn't seem have anyone to do it.
Anyone else out there experiencing the same thing?
Thanks for reading.

Is she going to Uni? I’m sure she’ll find friends there.

She has one more year at college but hopes to go on to Uni afterwards.

Something similar here, secondary school has been very lonely for my DD (just doing her GCSEs). I’m praying that she’ll make friends at college.

It's so very hard to watch them go through it. I hope things get better for your daughter and her exams go well.

Watching with interest, going through similar thing with my son. He's only 13, and I find myself counting down the days until he can go to college, because I can't see anything changing in his small comprehensive school. But reading this, the college may not be a given either. It's heartbreaking. At least she has the hobby, my son doesn't have that. And she does have a couple of close friends so she can definitely maintain social relationships. By next year the age gap with the 21 year old will disappear and as others have said Uni may be the change she needs, tell her to hang in there! I'm thinking a part time job in supermarket might be a good choice, I worked there in college and it was mostly kids my age so lots of opportunity to meet friends.

Sadly no advice but sympathy, my dd 16 also doing GCSES doesn't really have any friends. I am really hoping she makes friends at college.
It seems fairly common with this age group and I am sure covid played a huge role in this.

@DoesItEverGetEasier would your son be willing to try Explorer Scouts? That was good for my daughter for a while, and gives them a regular social interaction with a variety of peers… she left it when not-friends from school joined it unfortunately.

It's hard. My DS had lots of friends at primary but not many at school and no best friend or 'crew.' Now he's at uni and it's still an issue. He does have friends but no many and I don't know how strong a bond they have. We don't talk about it as he just shuts down. I always had lots of friends when young and it breaks my heart for him. Tbh I think it upsets me more than him.

My ds teen has always struggled with friendships, he has SEN and social interaction is harder for him. He does some sports but spends a huge chunk of time online gaming. I think COVID has had an impact on friendships. I hope your DD finds her tribe in the next stage of her education.

@BumBumCream I doubt it, he quit cubs, we have tried every club going! Currently nagging him to start a graffiti art course or fire cadets or surfing but it's all "no" at the moment! He does have two activities a week, which he goes to reluctantly, keeps himself to himself and tries his best to get out of! I think "what's the point of paying" but at least it's a couple of hours out of the house and one of them is a life skill. He doesn't seem to want to help himself at the moment but I worry that the social anxiety is going to get worse if we do nothing.

@DoesItEverGetEasier
Sounds a lot like my DS. He doesn’t like group activities so I’m constantly searching for coaching to get him into something but it’s hard. Other than that he does cricket and football and online the rest of the time. Hated scouts, group tennis lessons, golf etc. I feel so guilty he’s online so much. It’s not what I anticipated.

Thank you for all of your responses. I'm sorry that other kids are going through the same thing. It's much harder once they become teenagers/ young adults. There is only so much we can do in these situations. I do think that the Covid Lockdowns have caused alot of damage with regards to our young people. The secondary school years are crucial in aiding their social development. Also the way they socialise has changed so much. Everything is all online and seeing other kids looking like they are having a great time on their Snap Chat posts must make the isolation feel even worse.

I really hope things get better for our young people and they all go on to find their tribe.

Me too ☹️ he’s indoors now, sad as he’s seen online that the closest thing he has to friends are all out together - he wasn’t invited. He never is, he’s anxious, but a really nice thoughtful boy. It’s awful.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have a 14yr old DD and I really worry for her. Rarely goes out, seems to fall out with friends when she does have them. Hasn't done anything for her birthday for years because she doesn't have the confidence to invite people anywhere. Sometimes she won't even leave my side in a shop because she feels anxious / self conscious. It's just very sad indeed.

Hard to know how to help them. Especially when it's shoved in their faces via Snap Chat etc, as you say. Some of me just hopes they become a little desensitised to it all. But it is hurtful. Sending you a big hug x

Yes, same situation here. Lovely 15 year old lad, who very very rarely socialises outside of school. Has a couple of mates at school, who he's known since he was tiny, but it's a funny old situation - they're brothers so either they are both around or neither are (most likely).
My heart breaks for DS. He doesn't have the confidence to "expand" his group, but wants friends.
His big brother is very sociable, and he idolises him which is also really hard.