violent teen

[Lahemaa]

My son, 14 has always been difficult child, impulsive, constantly picking up fight with sister. Within last few years he has became increasingly violent. He has officially diagnosed autistic spectrum disorder and unofficially he is ticking all the boxes of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). He is throwing me against the walls, pinning me down, suffocating me, squeezing and bending my hands, so that they all covered with bruises. Also he attacks his dad. He is telling us, we are no one, we are not fit to be in charge, he can do what he wants. He is grammar school student and in the school he has no major behaviour problems and he is good at his studies.
So, today he was particularly violent, because I took his phone as punishment for his violence.
I feel so down. If my husband was violent, I would have thrown him out, but what shall I do with child? I am trapped with him. He has counselling every week, but it has made no difference.

What are the consequences for his violence?

As consequences, Wifi goes off or I block his account in computer. But then he will tell he has homework to do and I am not letting him and he becames even more agressive. there is no punishment really for him

Self refer to social services. I know personally this problem will not get better if you ignore it. He has to know this behaviour is serious and utterly unacceptable.There will be a reason behind it but that is not an excuse. Sorry this is happening in your family

Call the police if he assaults you again. They will take it seriously. At his age he probably won't be arrested, although this is possible, but it will trigger referrals to support and can be very helpful in diffusing the situation. I have done this several times with my DS who is now 16 and much less violent.

If there are literally no issues with his behaviour in school, then he's doing it at home because he can.

ASD doesn't just turn itself off at school and on at home.

You do need outside intervention if, as you have described, your life is at risk. Because it is. What happens if he attacks you the way you describe one day and doesn't stop?

It's hard, but you need to make the authorities know what's happening behind closed doors.

This is domestic violence, you need to call the police. You need to speak to social services.

He can control himself, he doesn't want to.

Pinning you to the floor and suffocating you is dangerous behaviour. It could kill you.

If my brother had done this to my mum my dad would’ve absolutely thrashed him. Your son is on the cusp of being a grown man, you are entitled to use whatever self defence is necessary.

Totally disagree with this.

ASD in a grammar school is hot pot for masking. He's coming home like the shaken up Coke bottle ready to explode and doing it behind closed doors where it is 'safe'.

It's not right and it needs to be dealt with but most likely it stems from lack of autism support at school, sensory demanding environments at school, difficult social situations at school and severe anxiety.

This was my child at a younger age and all the aggression disappeared once his school changed to one that understood autism.

This is definitely possible. Alternatively, it may be that school is an extremely structured, predictable environment and he is coping with that better than the more spontaneous environment at home. Or it could be a combination of both.

How much do you support his autism at home OP- do you have a rigid routine/ timetables for everything etc to make home totally predictable? Does he have sensory support in place to help him decompress at home?

You say counselling isn't working, but is it being delivered in an autism specific way by somebody experienced with an autistic person using socially inappropriate coping mechanisms? Has your son been taught about autism and how it is affecting his neurophysiology?

I do actually agree with involving the police and this can be a route in to more support. I would also tell the school exactly what is going on if you haven't already, just so your DS knows all the adults are on the same page.

Hi Op, this is so hard. I have DD who was very similar. It is like being in an abusive relationship that you cannot leave. She was eventually diagnosed with ADHD but too late to help us. I had seen a Health Visitor for advice when she was quite young as we already had melt downs and kicking/ hitting. The advice was, which I have tried to stick with, not too try and intervene or threaten sanctions during the meltdown. Give her space and then attempt to discuss the behaviour at a calm moment. Ask her what she feels she needs is too do when she is feeling/ behaving so angry. We have tried to do that and it helped a bit but was hard for younger siblings as it looked like she was behaving abominably and getting away with it.
She also had no issues at school or indeed anywhere other than home and most people who knew her would struggle to believe she ever behaved badly as she is so kind and caring must of time.
As a young adult now she frequently apologises for how awful she behaved. She still struggles massively with daily life but is trying to finish a degree . It was so peaceful at home when she moved out and our other children felt safer and more seen. I realised they had been hiding in their rooms, not because they were teenagers but because they were afraid of her.
Not much advice other than to not listen to the horrible stuff that is said when in meltdown as it is not meant personally. I was devastated each time and took it so personally. She knew all the worst things to say that would hurt me most.

An autistic person may find unrelated consequences for behaviour difficult to understand, have you explained in advance what the consequences will be and why? Rather than losing your rag in the moment. Then you can give a warning and an opportunity for him to back down.

If he has ODD have a look into PDA strategies. I expect his grammar school is so demanding with rules and expectations and also sensory triggers that having more of that at home will just make everything worse.

You can't treat an autistic child the same as someone who is neurotypical. It just doesn't work. I'm really glad that some of the posters on here clearly aren't parents of ND children as their knowledge is so poor.

Try and involve your son more in making decisions together .

That's my advice as a parent of a formerly violent autistic child (and social worker)