My son being overtly self-critical about his progress in football

[Confused1919]

Dear All, my son (12 years of age - a very able footballer) has become very self-critical about his performance recently. Crying in the car about his ability not being able to play at his top ability. I have asked him whether his coaches or fellow players have addressed a weakness - yet the response is no. It is his own personal feeling. I have told him that in life one progresses, then reaches a point when things stagnate for a while or dip slightly only to then progress again. I am curious to know whether any of you have experienced anything similar?

From what I've seen they change so much between 12-14 physically that in a few years he'll be playing a very different game. Remind him that he's growing fast and he will get bigger and stronger and it's important to keep going, to eat well and to practise his skills. He might just be exhausted and need more sleep.

What level does he play at? If he's at an academy, then it's pretty cut throat (as you'll know) and there will be some outstanding players so, if he's not in that category, he might feel a bit dejected as he will be comparing himself to them; if he's at grassroots and various team mates are trialling at academies, it might be that moment of realisation that he hasn't been asked to trial and is unlikely to be and is feeling a bit despondent about that; otherwise, it might just be that the coach or a team mate has said something he's taken to heart or that he is struggling with an area or two. Is he Yr7 or Yr8? If Yr 7, they'll be moving to 11-a-side for the next season so that could mean team re-jigs and he could be worrying about what that will mean for him. It will also create opportunities as other clubs may be looking for players.
FWIW, DD had a miserable year of football in Yr7. I'm still not sure why but things just didn't seem to click, particularly with the new coach who joined their team and then, with going to secondary school, different people were at different schools together whereas she was the only one from her school and felt a bit isolated and then it just seemed to spiral from there. Ability wise, she was in the bottom half of the team but by no means at the bottom but she began to feel more anxious about her position which made her more nervous on the pitch so she was less vocal so her team mates passed to her less when then made her feel that they were actively choosing not to pass to her which she worried was because they knew she wasn't strong enough which increased her anxiety so made it more likely she'd make a stupid mistake etc. There were at least a couple of others in the team who were similar but the atmosphere meant they worried away by themselves rather than supporting each other. It was miserable. She left the team at the end of Yr7, moved to another team and it was the exact opposite. Really welcoming, relaxed atmosphere, invited DD to choose where to play for the first couple of weeks so she'd feel most confident and she has thrived there. She is a totally different player - and person - to two years ago. They've had a brilliant couple of seasons and run rings around her old team when they've had matches against them this season.

I'm no footie expert, but this situation could apply to any sport/activity where one wishes to progress.

Assuming the coach hasn't said anything to upset him, I'd suggest your DS actually speaks to his coach and explains his frustrations and asks for advice/tips to help him over this hurdle. You are correct that in anything like this there are periods where progress seems to stall for a while and it can be extremely frustrating for anyone.

At least if he speaks to the coach he is taking active steps to help himself with his progression (if nothing else it's a good lesson in how to deal with this type of problem rather than allowing the frustration to become overwhelming and so upsetting for him) - or if it transpires he is being overly critical of himself, then he may get a bit of additional reassurance that he's on the right track.

I would suggest your DS has the conversation with the coach himself (empowerment/confidence building) but maybe sit with your DS and discuss it first so he can identify and articulate what it is that is really frustrating him - he can then take it to the coach and calmly ask for advice on how to improve on any particular areas/skills. Any decent coach would totally respect that approach by a kid.

Many thanks for your advice… we shall follow it 🙏

Could be a growth spurt. My DS was a fabulous footballer and very fast. He had a growth spurt and for about 3 or 4 months it was like watching a baby giraffe trying to play football on ice until his brain and his newly extended limbs started to talk to each other again.