Immature 17 year old.

[confusedmomofteens]

Our 17 year old son is (I feel) very immature. He has his leaving cert in June but will bearly do any study for it despite failing 2 subjects) in the mocks (we are in Ireland)

He wants to do a trade after school, which is great and he would honestly be very good at it. He has applied to one place and thinks - that's it - job done - they will get back to me. He honestly thinks he is going to walk into it when school is finished.

He also quite lazy. He has the same basic jobs to do every day/week. (Dishwasher/bins every day - wash & hoover car every week) for which he gets paid. He EVENTUALLY does them, but we have to nag him for hours to actually do them, which constantly ends up in a row. He does not see what difference it mays to stack the dishwasher straight away after dinner at 5.30 or leave the dishes in the sink until around 11pm.

He goes out in town with his friends and we collect him after 12/12.30. (Taxi is not an option as we live 30 mins away)

He doesn't really get into trouble but I suspect he vapes, but I don't really want to bring them up with him with proof. & there is probably nothing we can do about it when he turns 18 anyway.

He argues that we treat him like a child but he honestly acts like one. My question really, I suppose is how to get your almost adult child to actually behave like an adult. 🙈

Seems fairly normal. Its your house and your dishwasher and your car. He just doesn't see the importance in doing it in your timing. When it will be his house and his dishwasher and his car - he'll do it without being nagged.

He argues that we treat him like a child but he honestly acts like one.

Yes, he acts like one because you treat him like one. No more money for things he should be doing anyway. Stop doing his laundry. If he doesn't do his fair share around the house, he gets to enjoy life with no wifi or phone, because I'm sure you're paying for that. If he wants money, he gets a job. Tell him if he doesn't want to be treated like a child, he can stop acting like one.

Stop being his personal taxi all the time. He needs to learn consideration for your time.

@JazbayGrapes good to hear he is not the only one. I didn't think of it like that but maybe you are right - he does keep his room clean.

@Aquamarine1029 that's it, he doesn't appreciate anything we do for him. He can be very entitled. The Wi-Fi is actually based in his room (he has a booster on it for his PS) so if I turn it off, he will just turn it on again. He pays for his own phone credit (from his odd jobs around the house/car washing etc) so can't really take that. I feel like we nagging him 24/7 but if we don't he won't do anything.

It could be Ross tinted glasses but I don't remember my siblings or I being so immature.

Doing jobs round the home is very different to working. I was rubbish at home but very dedicated at work. Sounds normal rather than immature to me.

@TeenLifeMum well that's good to know. Maybe we do expect too much for him. He has worked an odd day on the building sites with hubby but he literally has to be kept after to keep him on task (might be different with a non family member boss)

I worry that he doesn't really want to study or work.

Hi fellow paddy here. We have a 25 year old Who was exactly the same. However my husband is a rugged Cork man and once all the kids turned 16 they had to get a job for pocket money.

Jobs round the house all have to be done anyway because that's what we all do as part of the family. If they wanted to earn pocket money they had to do jobs over and above their regular chores. That may have been in a shop etc or extra jobs at home.

We did a fair bit of taxi jobs for them
As we are in the stix but if they had attitude for no good reason then they didn't get a taxi.

I think pp is right. He's acting like a child because you're treating him like one. Throw a family meeting and lay it out for him.

I think that you’re in a vicious circle - he acts like a child because you treat him like one and you treat him like a child because he acts like one.

@confusedmomofteens It could be Ross tinted glasses but I don't remember my siblings or I being so immature.

I've been saying for years that teenagers seem more immature now than even when I was one

@Catchlock

Yeah maybe we do need to change first and then he will.

Family meeting could work, although we haven't had a one in a while as he says he feels like we are just telling him everything he has done wrong/needs to change) so he refuses to participate. I do feel myself that we are always on his back so maybe it's time to ease off.

It doesn't help that his 13 year old sister is the complete opposite. 100% dedicated to school and all his sports. If we praise her, he takes it as an insult to him. He does kick-boxing & gym but isn't very dedicated.

Well 17 is still quite young - I found it easier to think of them as 'work-in-progress' at this point. But, as others have already said, you can help too by having higher expectations and sticking to them. At 17 he should be doing his bit to help the household run smoothly, without getting pocket money for it and he should have a job, any job.

@SonicTheHodgeheg I think you are right. Although I have no idea how to get out of it at this stage.

I'm trying to ease off asking him to study. (I literally ask him to do an hour a day as he has his LC next week) & only since his mocks at Easter. Before that he would never open a book.

If I say nothing. He will do nothing. We really are in a vicious circle.

I think leaving cert years are just so hard on the entire family. I remember my mum being in a heap all year over mine and me just feeling like she hated me and I could do nothing right.

School was so draining that year I know I really slacked on chores and tidying at home. I found it hard at that age to express in words that I was upset or stressed, it definitely came out in my actions instead (laziness, crabby mood, immaturity).

He will learn so much in the first year or two off school. He may get that job you mentioned or he might have to apply for 100 more. He might get even more lazy for a while, but it’s something he’ll just have to work through and it will all even out in the end.

@loropianalover

You're right, it's a nightmare for everyone. I'm way more stressed about it than he is. Hopefully he will find his way sooner rather than later. My brother in law is very similar and has never grown up. 29 now. Does drugs (recreationally) Hoping from one job to the next and PIL constantly pick up the pieces. (Financially) he has no appreciation for what they do for him at all. I'm afraid son will go the same way.

For those of you saying. Stop treating him like a child. Don't pay him for house jobs etc. we pay for his gym & kickboxing membership every month and want him to stay going as it's good for his mental health & i feel keeps him busy and out of trouble - should we stop paying for this if he doesn't help out around the house/study/look for a job etc. or just continue to pay as I know he won't have the money for it?

How else could we treat him like an adult? Apart from withdrawing lifts etc? Genuine question. I'm at a complete loss with him at the moment. Teenagers are impossible 🙈

How else could we treat him like an adult?

Instead of nagging him to do his jobs, just let him do them? Does it really matter if the dishwasher is done at 11pm?

He does kick-boxing & gym but isn't very dedicated.

If he doesn't really want those things - stop paying for them. Stop paying for his phone and other subscriptions too - if you pay him money for certain things you expect hims to do - let him pay himself for what he actually wants or needs.