Sadness at end of teen relationship

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Dd 17 had been with her boyfriend for a year. Really lovely young man and all our family loved him. She got on amazing with his folks too. He has been a big part of our lives and her siblings adored him.
She was open about how much she liked him and how happy she was and how her times with him were amongst her happiest but also clear that she was young and her first long term boyfriend was unlikely to be forever.

He kissed his ex 3 weeks ago and immediately told dd. Right in the middle of dds exams which was awful. She dumped him as from day 1 she had been clear this was a line that if either of them crosed, it would be over.
He was v upset at this and his family were really angry and annoyed at him. I said I was disappointed and surprised, he had been stupid and knew this. He begged her not to end it.
I told dd that it had to be her decision whether to continue relationship. She decided not, as the breach of trust and disrespect was something you couldn't forgive.
I admire her for sticking to her principles.

He called round last night to return her stuff. She was out.

He is heartbroken and devastated. He feels so guilty at hurting her and totally takes all responsibility. I believe he is genuine in how sorry he is for hurting her. He wasn't trying to persuade me to persuade her, he respects her decision.
it's a tough lesson for him to learn. Her siblings were so upset saying goodbye. He was sobbing too.

I really felt for him and whilst he should not have done it, it was hard to see a young man I really liked so upset. His mum texted to say how sad they were and hoped dd was OK and wished her well etc.

It's as if dd has switched completely. She is stone cold about him. Not horrible or recasting their relationship but cold. It's hard to explain but her iciness is so different, putting all her positive emotions into a box with a lid on.

I don't know to feel about her reaction. I guess knowing how she is, this is not like her at all. It's almost like she is performing with a false persona. A brittleness I've not seen before.

I feel so mixed about it all. She is my priority and i havent said anytjing to her about how i feel.

i just feel stupidly sad about it all. I can't really articulate it very well to anyone and just wanted somewhere to share.

Gently, you are far too involved. These things happen and food on your daughter for not putting up its shitty behaviour. You should be proud of her.

*good

This - first post nails it.

Similarly here op but no cheating.. Dd decided she didn't feel enough for her bf of 18 months.. She is 17.. Him 16. She regretted it instantly but he has blocked her in all ways. Absolutely biting my tongue. He was a big part of our family life.. Her siblings adored him. They were either here or at his house. Saw them making it tbh. Very happy together. Dd has had some issues with mh and I think this was some sort of self sabotage but too late now. Very sad...
I feel for you op. Lips shut though ime b

Well you’re bound to be upset - he’s been in all your lives for a year and you all like him. But good on your daughter for having boundaries and sticking to them - it sounds like you’ve been a good role model and she’s learnt to prioritise her boundaries appropriately.
He will have learnt a difficult life lesson to take forwards too.
There will be other lovely people in her future.

I'm sorry but this sounds way too intense, everyone's parents involved, siblings in tears - waaaaaay too much. You are the adult here and you need to be putting a lid on these dramatics, rather than fuelling the hysteria. I expect your DD finds bottling up her feelings rather easier than having tearful conversations with you, her siblings, his parents and everyone else who seems to be involved. respect her silence at the moment and when things calm down a bit she may wish to talk to you more about it.

Absolutely this.

It's lovely that you're all very close. But really, I think it's a mistake to treat a DC's boyfriend as part of the family. Statistically teen romances are far more likely to end than not - then it's hard for everyone. Why should teens bear the weight of your sadness along with their own?

Thank you folks for giving me perspective and a head wobble.

I am v proud of her for having those boundaries and self worth.

A lesson for us all about keeping ours too.

Good response, OP. Obviously, you get to have your feelings about the end of this relationship, but recognise them as just that -- your own feelings. Not something your DD needs to be considering. I'd be patting myself on the back for raising a girl with strong boundaries who prioritises her own principles and peace of mind.

This is your stuff, and you need to find your own space to deal with it. I think you need to ask yourself why you let yourself get so invested in the first place instead of maintaining a healthy distance, and why you didn't just briskly take DD's stuff back from him and wish him well rather than get sucked into the tale of teenage woe. What did involving yourself in all this so deeply give you? What insecurity of yours has you feeling so upset that your DD has healthy boundaries around being treated badly?

I havw sympathy for you as it is really easy (been there, done that), to get invested ina teen relationship when you end up with thr young person at your house all the time and if you are a close knit family, end up as a member of the family. Unlike a friendship, you are then not prepared for how final the breakup is for whatever reason. Been here several times now but the first one definitely the hardest.

Don't beat yourself up about feeling like this, it's nornal amd your dd's reaction is also a way of protecting herself, mine have done similar.