Mental load of parenting teenagers

[GGBlue]

Is anyone else struggling emotionally parenting teenagers? I'm divorced, my kids (13 and 16) see their dad every 2nd weekend. For down time, days out, restaurants etc. which I'm not saying doesn't have any value, I'm happy kids get unpressured time with their dad. But I'm doing all the parenting, he doesn't communicate with me at all, and has recently started overpaying his pension to reduce maintenance payments. Despite him being high earner and knowing I'm barely making ends meet as it is. I feel lonely, unsupported and emotionally rung out. I worry I'm showing my kids I'm tolerating being treated badly. Any advice?

It's awful isn't it? Parenting teenagers is enough to drive a saint to drink. Possibly the hardest stretch of the parenting job because their hormones are running riot, they have school / exam pressures, think their mother is an arsehole and that they know everything and you're just trying to ruin their life.

The only thing I can say to you - it doesn't go on for ever, and YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

Your ex is a selfish wanker and I hope his knob falls off and that he gets really bad piles.

The woman is always the one left carrying the can and struggling to cope.

Channel your inner lioness and have a good scream into a pillow.

Thanks for the validation! Yes, it's so hard. I feel light years away from holding my babies or having toddlers running around. Teenagers are challenging to say the least. Very lonely stage of parenting. I hope as you say it won't last forever. He's unfortunately weaponising the one thing he has left- child maintenance payments. I wish I was in a position where I didn't have to rely on him financially supporting his kids. But I do.

I have LOVED being a mum until last year. I thought I was good at it. No more!

Now I have 2 kids permanently out of school. They are rude, volatile and entitled, have no ambition and nothing to do. It is driving me literally insane.

We have enough money, nice house, over the years they have had music lessons, tennis lessons, swimming, holidays, family, friends, boundaries, and SO much love. They have given up and dropped out of everything.

You do not get our what you put in, that's for sure.

We can all raise a glass when they eventually sort themselves out and we can get our lives back!

In my opinion it's the hardest stage of parenting. Bloody exhausting! They need so much support (and yet push us away!) I'm not a single parent but I'm struggling, so I take my hat off to you OP!
What I will say is when they are adults they will recognise how hard it was for us, and what we did for them.

it is such a hard stage. I honestly don't know how I'd have survived if it wasn't for dh being a decent parent on the same page as me. So hats off to you OP.

The maintenance thing is such a dick move. Does he do any actual parenting? Like advising them, helping them, supervising study, helping with choices, knowing their friends??

Nothing to say but sorry OP. This stage ends and it does get easier.

Can you renegotiate current arrangements so he takes on more of their care and day-to-day stuff? Sounds as though he's manipulated everything to suit only himself. (Which the kids WILL realise at some point btw, rather than thinking you're tolerating poor treatment).

Someone told me recently the reason you're the one getting all the crap is because they feel safest with you. Still tough to take though and I hope the tide starts to turn soon! I used to think single parents had the hardest job ever (still think they do) but in my experience also having an ex husband who deliberately tries to cause you harm out of sheer spite, has to be the worst scenario. I have to somehow take the strain of that and not share details of what he's doing with my kids so they can have a relationship with their dad. But it's absolutely brutal.

Go easy on yourself OP. Parenting teens is ridiculously hard, especially with this cohort. They have had varying experiences of growing up through Covid and in and living a weird unhealthy online existence with social media. Schools are a pressure cooker of stress and anxiety where teachers are struggling with behaviour issues and even the kids who want to learn can't because the school environment is often chaotic. Is it any wonder there is a MH epidemic and parents are at their wits end?

Yes, absolutely! I think the hardest part of parenting is parenting young adults!

I have had two boys and tbh it was a nightmare between 12 and 17. I can only say I was very, very lucky to get them involved in a trade out of school because they certainly weren't involved in school and no way would be.

Hats off to you, it is horrendous even in a married situation even though I still feel I carry all the mental load. I have 4 between 19 and 14 and it has been a very tough year. I often feel unable to cope as it's one thing after another. They want your support but fight back almost as hard. It's so stressful.

It does get better though. 19 and nearly 18 year old DCs are getting better now.and more 50/50 where you actually get to enjoy some moments of adult company as well.

14 and 16 I would say is the peak, so just hang on in there,.not long now....

Yes, finding parenting teens hard!

Sorry your ex is such a shit dad. That he sees them so little increases various risks for them, so I think you do right by focusing on the DC.

most of your post isn’t about teenagers per se but comes down to money: is there anything you can do to improve your circumstances that don’t depend on your ex? (Since he doesn’t seem to have your DCs’ best interests at heart).

Do you have support for yourself from trusted friends or family? Or an ‘outlet’ for the emotions.

I have solid group of supportive friends, without whom I don't think I could've survived the last few years to be frank. Money is a huge issue yes, and realistically the only thing I can do is sell the house and downsize. Securing the house as my part of a fair divorce settlement was what I wanted for the kids sake. But due to ex reducing child maintenance payments, deliberately delaying signing house over while interest/mortgage rates shot up has meant I'm under significant financial hardship now. I need to have serious think about selling the house before this winter. Last winter was absolute hell.

I have no idea why these men begrudge money for their kids.. does it occur to them how their kids would feel if they knew and understood his choice. This isn't on you.. It's him... you're not showing your kids anything.. he is!

Your ex is a selfish wanker and I hope his knob falls off and that he gets really bad piles.

@AmandaHoldensLips my inlaws made my life hell for the best part of 18 years... can you wish some shit on them too... just kidding (not kidding) . Seriously your post made me laugh so much!! 🤣

Make sure you tell the kids the reason you’re having to sell the house!